My boyfriend is a neat freak. We’re going to move in soon and he is MUCH cleaner than I am. I can see it causing friction. There may be a pile of clothes on the floor, clean unfolded laundry on the bed, and a sinkful of dishes that I’ve left there for half a week. He, by contrast, is a two showers a day/laundry 2-3 times a week guy.

Anyhow, thinking about this, I brought it up to him and he 1) said it would probably be a problem. 2) He would be fine with general rules rather than assigning chores. However, when I said he would have to compromise and relax a little on cleanliness too, he balked. He said, “Well, I can just start on things and you come help me,” which seems fine but sometimes I’m tired and I don’t *want* to. He doesn’t seem that concerned about it how it’ll work but I don’t want to be policed all the time.

I do like a clean house, but coming from a messy family I’ve never really gotten in the habit of picking up as a go, so I feel it’s something I’m learning and he shouldn’t have such high expectations.

So here’s my question: What move-in problems did you have? And how did you handle them? Am I being unreasonable with my thoughts?

So I recently had a mole begin to act very strangely (it swelled up, changed colour, etc.). I got myself to the doctor and he’s made an appointment to see a specialist. The doctor, the first one, couldn’t tell me one way or the other if it was cancer. Anyway, I’m pretty fucking scared. I haven’t really said much about the whole thing to my wife (other than I’m going to see the specialist just to be safe). I want to be able to share what I’m feeling with her, for the support I know she’ll give me, but I don’t want her to worry either. What’s the right thing to do here?

My friend just started dating online recently. Neither of us have any experience with it, and we only know one other person who’s ever tried it, so we’re trying to figure it out.

She just met someone online last week who she seems to like a lot. She went on two dates with him over the weekend, and she’s all about him now. I worry that she’s getting ahead of herself and getting her hopes up because I’ve read about so many people being frustrated with not finding anyone online. He seems really into her too. To everyone who’s dated online before, is this normal? Do you think it’s possible to find someone within a couple of weeks? And how long do you wait before becoming exclusive with someone you met online? I’m very very happy for her, but I’m scared she’ll get hurt. She turns to me for advice, and since I don’t have any online dating experience, I want to hear what some other people think.

My 39 year-old friend is gorgeous. She’s intelligent, funny, has a good job, the list could go on and on. She’s also been dating the same guy (on and off) for the past 12 years. She doesn’t want to spend the rest of her life with him and knows she’d be happier without him, but also won’t make a clean break. On a regular basis, they have outrageous fights, don’t talk for weeks, then get back together. Did I mention she’s 39? Anyhow, now that she’s 39 and realizing she wants to have kids, she keeps saying things like, “Maybe I should just have kids with him.” OK, (a) I only have two ears and they’re both clean-out of sympathy, (b) how many times can you repeat this cycle and keep your self-respect intact, (c)…do I really need a “c”…

I know there is nothing that I can do about it…but kids with this guy? Really? Do I just stand by and watch the madness? What would you do?

Now that I’m “an adult”, I’ve come to realize that my dating pool is much larger than just the people I go to school with, or friends of friends, and it seems as I get older, so do the guys who are interested in me, and disproportionately so. It’s yet to be decided whether it’s because I give off an older vibe—whatever that is—but I appear to be popular with guys about ten years older than I am.They make up the bulk of who hits on me, sends me messages online, etc.

It’s almost always been like that—when I was 18, it was guys in their early 20s. When I was in my early 20s, it was guys pushing 30. Now, it’s guys pushing 40, and even into their 40s. So I’ve been thinking about it, and have been trying to figure out just what age caps off my self-selected dating pool.

So far, I think the decade rule works for me, although I guess things might be different if I was looking to settle down right now. What about you guys? What’s your personal experience with age gaps? How old is too old for you? Do you think relationships with significant age gaps can work in the long-run?

I will preface this by saying that am in an exclusive, committed relationship—I have no intention of leaving my boyfriend or of cheating. That said, I have developed a bit of a crush on a coworker. He and I work together about three days a week. I am definitely NOT interested in a relationship with this guy; he’s pretty immature and doesn’t hold a candle to my bf in a lot of the personality department, but I really respond to him physically. I can’t help thinking about sex with him, what kind of stuff he might be into, things like that.

My question is, what should I do about this? I feel guilty that I’m having these thoughts about another person, even though I know I won’t act on them. How can I stop having these thoughts?

I have a theory about why it’s hard to succeed on dating sites.

It seems to me, in the scheme of things alike attracts alike but provide too much information and people start seeing things they feel are unalike or they don’t like the sound of. Ironically a lot of what people write on profiles isn’t wildly relevant but people can’t help judging what they see before them.

Since in real life actual words make up only 7% of communication and a dating site profiles being made up of lots of words and usually a bit where people write lots of their own and 93% of normal communication is missing, it’s doesn’t seem surprising that people have trouble rationally interpreting profiles.

Having rewritten my own profiles endlessly I’ve eventually discovered what works best is lower on fact and higher on other forms of expression (photos/humor/attitude) This I reckon is more closed aligned with how people judge other people in real life.

Certain dating sites positively encourage lots of information to be provided but this seems crazy to me if people can’t handle too much information.

There may be a scarcity principle angle in here somewhere too as that relates to more or less choice. Which is kind of the same as more or less information.

comments/thoughts on this?

My boyfriend Alan and I have been together for about 7 months. When I met him, I wasn’t looking for a relationship at all; I was really enjoying being single. I liked him so much right off the bat, more so then I’ve ever liked anyone, but it was still difficult for me to let go of being single. I did, though, and I’m really happy with him–I’m extremely attracted to him, he treats me amazingly, we have a great connection, and I could honestly see myself marrying him. The problem is, despite how much I love him, I still think about being single and hooking up with other people a great deal. I don’t know why, because our sex life is great and he completely fulfills my emotional needs. But every time I go out without him, I am afraid that if a hot guy starts flirting with me and we really hit it off, I might cheat on him. I have never cheated on anyone, and I am extremely against it, so this really worries me. But I find myself fantasizing about it a lot. I feel that while I am physically satisfied with Alan, what I’m missing is the freedom and unpredictability of being single, the excitement and sexual tension with new guys, and the super-sexy passion with first-time hook-ups.
I don’t want to feel this way. I in no way want to do anything to harm my relationship with Alan, but I just keep having these thoughts. Is this normal? How can I fix this?

My first blurb! I know this is primarily a dating site, but it seems it is evolving to be about all sorts of relationships. I’d like to put forth a scenario.

My first cousin, with whom I am extremely close, recently had a baby. My long term boyfriend is also very close with her husband – they are more like brothers than friends. I assumed that we would be asked to be the god-parents. Not only did we not receive an invitation to the Christening, but they asked some mutual friends of ours to be god-parents instead. The two friends they asked are both in their own relationships, and are not actually a couple. I’m not certain if that’s relevant.

I’ll be honest, my feelings were really hurt by this. While I know they are all good friends, I also know that the four of us have a much closer relationship. I love her baby, and since I am unlikely to have any children of my own I really did think that I would be the obvious choice to raise her child in the event of a tragedy.
About a month ago, she casually mentioned that they considered having us as god-parents, but since we didn’t attend church they weren’t comfortable with it. She said she couldn’t have her child raised by someone that wasn’t religious. Now the people they DID choose do not attend church regularly, but on holidays like Christmas and Easter. Even the parents themselves rarely attend church on a regular basis. I can’t help but feel her justification was a tad hypocritical.
Both my boyfriend and I believe in God, but choose not to participate in organized religion.
Am I wrong to be hurt by this? It would be one thing if both the parents and the now god-parents actually attended church regularly, then I could perhaps justify that approach. But knowing that they don’t, and that they are more fair weather church goers, it simply doesn’t make sense to me.
I changed the subject with her because I was simply too confused and hurt to have any sort of appropriate response. What would you have said? Am I being selfish and inconsiderate? Should I bring this up to her and explain how I feel about it? Or just leave it alone, since it’s a done deal and there’s nothing to be done about it anyway? I feel as if she should have discussed this with me before making any final decisions, but also don’t want to be critical of the way people choose to handle choices about their children. Any advice on how to either approach this or get over it is much appreciated.

I’ve been reading about breakups (because I’m perverse), and a common theme seems to be how one person thinks everything is fine and is going happily about their business when suddenly their partner bushwhacks them with a breakup.

Now, the general consensus appears to be that the one who does the dumping has probably been thinking about it for a while and that’s why they can move on so quickly and easily, because they were emotionally detaching long before they ever thought to say it out loud. And most people seem okay with this. Like it’s just the way things are.

Does that strike anyone else as insidious? How do you do that? How do you sit there thinking about how it’s not working for you and maybe you want out while maintaining a facade of happiness for your oblivious partner? How cruel is that? How can anyone do that without drowning in guilt?

I get that, as human beings, one trait we all share is ferocious self-interest. That’s why there’s cheating, lying, etc. But it’s so dismaying to see that a lot of people think this is just how it is, that it’s okay to do this. I know we all like to hedge our bets, but deliberately concealing your true feelings from a significant other just to spare yourself some discomfort and personal responsibility seems so…cowardly. It leaves all the burden on the one being broken up with. The ex is left to deal with all the pain alone. And that seems just so unnecessarily callous.

Any thoughts?