I’m scared. Do I tell her?

So I recently had a mole begin to act very strangely (it swelled up, changed colour, etc.). I got myself to the doctor and he’s made an appointment to see a specialist. The doctor, the first one, couldn’t tell me one way or the other if it was cancer. Anyway, I’m pretty fucking scared. I haven’t really said much about the whole thing to my wife (other than I’m going to see the specialist just to be safe). I want to be able to share what I’m feeling with her, for the support I know she’ll give me, but I don’t want her to worry either. What’s the right thing to do here?

15 thoughts on “I’m scared. Do I tell her?

  1. Dennis Hong says:

    [Yikes, man! Tell her that shit. I think she’ll be even more upset with you if you don’t, ya know?

    In all seriousness, though, I’ll send whatever good karma I can find your way.

  2. Happy Pants says:

    [I can only tell you what I would do, which is to tell her, because if it were me in that situation, I wouldn’t be able to handle the fear on my own. And that’s the kind of thing you should be able to share with her, right? She may be worried for a bit if you tell her, but if you don’t, and it turns out to be something bad, she might be angry with you for holding off telling her.

  3. Matt Sanchelli says:

    [She’s your wife. You should definitely tell her. She may worry but you are obviously a bit worried about this thing too and I’m sure she’d rather be there with you so the two of you can go through this together; rather than you alone.

    Turn things around and ask yourself, “Would you want her to go through something like this alone, or would you want her to tell you so (despite your own worry) you’d be able to be there with her.

  4. Missy says:

    [Agree with everyone above.

    I know that what you’re going through is scary, but don’t let your fear get the best of you. There are so many types of skin cancer and most of them are slow growing and can be treated quite easily. Even the biggie can be cleared up if it’s caught right away, and it seems like you’re on top of it. Good luck to you.

  5. EricaSwagger says:

    [Absolutely tell her! A wife is there for support! Tell her and you’ll feel a little better just talking about it! You should never have to keep stress like this bottled up. Tell her, she’ll worry, of course, but you’re already worrying overtime, so give her a little. It’s what she’s there for.

  6. LMcMack says:

    [I have to contribute to the unanimous advice to tell her. You will probably feel much relieved to have someone to talk out these fears with, you know? I’m sure they will need to do a biopsy, and there are shades between “cancer” and “not cancer” so try not to freak yourself out unnecessarily! The point here is that you are doing exactly what you are supposed to do by getting things checked out that seem a bit abnormal. For what it’s worth, I’ve had 5 biopsies of various moles that have either looked suspicious and/or changed, and so far so good.
    I think something like this is exactly what your wife is there to support, and I’m sure she may be hurt if you keep it from her.

    I’ll be thinking good thoughts for you!

  7. Maracuya says:

    [Egad, man! Tell her!

    I’d feel miserable if I found out my boyfriend had to shoulder that kind of worry by himself. That’s what a partner’s for.

    I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts. Good luck.

  8. lilredbmw says:

    [Tell her! Not just for her, but for YOU. This is something that is hopefully nothing, but it’s still scary while you play the waiting game. You need to have a support system in this. Yes, it is upsetting to think about the “what-ifs” of the situation, but it’s even more upsetting waiting alone. I would tell her, and be open about what you are feeling. Having a sounding board and a support system while you are going through this is imperative. I am sure she would want to know. I am sure you would want her to share in this journey, even though it’s scary. Remember, the key to a great relationship is honesty and communication, so open up! And I am sending my positive thoughts your way!

  9. PKP says:

    [Thanks for the advice everyone. Part of my problem is my bad habit of communicating none of my fears to her. I don’t ever want her to be afraid or hurt, etc. I know she’s strong enough to handle it, but I don’t want her to have to handle it. Plus, the dilemma for me is that this could all be nothing, so why tell her something worrisome if I shouldn’t even be worried yet (though I am)?

    My appointment is a week this Thursday. I’ll post the outcome.

  10. BreckEffect says:

    [Agreed with everyone on here! Let her share your burden, that’s what a partnership and marriage is about. Sending good thoughts your way and hoping it’s not serious!

  11. PKP says:

    [Okay, so apparently I’m not a great actor like I thought. I was just sitting on the bed this evening and I looked at the mole again. She walked into the room, saw me, and told me not to worry, everything would be fine, and the chances were slim that this was anything. It’s all stuff I knew already, but it definitely helps when someone gives a voice to your thoughts.

  12. Solstice says:

    [Good luck, PKP! I’m late to reply, but I agree that telling your wife about this or any other future medical concerns is the best thing to do. I’m glad she knows and is being supportive! If I’m in a relationship, and I’m worried about something regarding my health, I usually tell my SO right away just to talk it out, see what they think, etc. and I would want them to do the same with me about any of their health concerns.

  13. MargieCharles says:

    [My boyfriend actually had a basal cell carcinoma removed within the last year, and I agree with everyone else who is saying “tell her.”

    I was obviously worried about my boyfriend’s physical health, but more than anything I was worried about his emotional health. I know he was afraid of how I would react, or whether I would think the scar on his chest was ugly, or what if he got skin cancer on his face that disfigured him and then I wouldn’t find him attractive anymore, or if I would think it was too much baggage. I wanted to let him know that I was there for him, and that I’d love him regardless. I wanted to be there for him emotionally.

    If you don’t tell your wife, I could see her being very hurt on top of worried. She’ll be concerned for your health, but she’ll probably be sad that you didn’t feel like you could share this with her and lean on her when you needed support. I’m sure she’d love to be there for you while you’re having this health scare, and it sounds like you could really use the extra love and reassurance right now.

    Tell her, and good luck with it all!

  14. PKP says:

    [Okay, I saw the dermatologist and she didn’t bother cutting out the damn thing. She said it wouldn’t be worth trading the mole for a scar… It’s on my left pectoral, so I wasn’t too worried about a scar. I don’t know, she didn’t seem very interested in the whole appointment and didn’t make me feel much better. I’m thinking of seeing my doctor about it again. She gave me a pamphlet and told me to keep an eye on my moles… What the hell?

  15. PKP says:

    [I think it’s our Canadian health care system. It’s fantastic because it’s free, but we’re lacking doctors big time. Those we do have are overworked. Going to set up another appointment. Thanks for the support everyone.

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