Hmmm. Maybe today I’ll have kids with a guy I don’t want to be with anymore.

My 39 year-old friend is gorgeous. She’s intelligent, funny, has a good job, the list could go on and on. She’s also been dating the same guy (on and off) for the past 12 years. She doesn’t want to spend the rest of her life with him and knows she’d be happier without him, but also won’t make a clean break. On a regular basis, they have outrageous fights, don’t talk for weeks, then get back together. Did I mention she’s 39? Anyhow, now that she’s 39 and realizing she wants to have kids, she keeps saying things like, “Maybe I should just have kids with him.” OK, (a) I only have two ears and they’re both clean-out of sympathy, (b) how many times can you repeat this cycle and keep your self-respect intact, (c)…do I really need a “c”…

I know there is nothing that I can do about it…but kids with this guy? Really? Do I just stand by and watch the madness? What would you do?

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6 thoughts on “Hmmm. Maybe today I’ll have kids with a guy I don’t want to be with anymore.

  1. resullins says:

    [I can’t believe she’s let this go on for 12 years.

    I guess I have a couple of questions for you. 1: How good of a friend is she? Best friend? Good friend? Acquaintance? How comfortable are you with confrontation? You have to talk to her about this. It’s an unhealthy relationship, it’s an unhealthy situation.

    She needs to end this, and you may have to be blunt with her to get your point across.

    However, that plan of action will lead to one of three outcomes. One: she’ll end it, all will be well with the world. You will be best friends. Two: she’ll end it, but she’ll resent you. Three: she’ll maintain the exact same pattern she always has, and she’ll resent you.

    You can change your attitude or you can change your situation. You have no REAL control over what she does. The only thing you can do is choose to voice your opinion or you can choose not to. The rest is up to her.

  2. Happy Pants says:

    [I think we all know what your friend is thinking is a horrible idea, and to preface my comment, I am aware that you do not need to get married to have children; however, on the bright side, it’s a lot easier to divorce someone you’ve already broken up with a thousand times in your head. (Clearly not for the guy, but obviously your friend isn’t really thinking of the guy’s feelings, now is she?)

  3. Kelly says:

    [Well, as you’ve said you’re powerless to do anything about it. She’s an adult making her own decisions based on the same (and more) information that you have.

    Do you stand by and watch? If she’s a good friend then I’d say stick around if you can stand the madness to be there when she needs you. If not, distance yourself, explaining that you need a break from the drama.

    On another note, it’s possible that some people seek out or create drama, maybe because drama = passion to them. They prefer their relationships this way and only leave to move on to another fiery relationship.
    Your friend has been in this relationship for 12 years. She’s probably getting something out of it. You and she may not crave the same thing but, as hard as it is, maybe you should make an effort not to judge her taste.

  4. LMcMack says:

    [The desire to have children is often not rational. Sure, everything you say here seems TO US that it would be absurd to have a child with this man. However, there is nothing you can do here that won’t seem as if you’re criticizing her. When it comes to things like children, religion, and politics… it’s often best to simply stay out of it and let your friends make their own mistakes. And hey – sometimes those “mistakes” actually do turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to them. You simply can’t know.

  5. lilredbmw says:

    [So your friend has reached that moment when she looked in the mirror and realized, “Holy crap, I’m no spring chicken! I better get moving if I want kids!” At this point, I sense some desperation. She is on and off with this person who is obviously toxic. So, she possibly feels that she has only two options…1) Have kids with this guy, or 2) Never have kids. Maybe she needs to be enlightened that there ARE other fish in the sea. Why don’t you invite her over for a wine night with just the two of you? Get honest. Get real. Communicate what you see in her. It could be that she isn’t seeing what everyone else sees. It seems that if this person has stayed in this relationship on/off for 12 years, she could be lacking confidence. So, I would try and really boost her confidence and then express your concerns about her life-altering option with this guy. If you don’t say something, you may wish you had. If you say something kindly and communicate effectively, you may save this situation, or you may not. But after you HAVE said your piece, at least you can rest at night and then wash your hands of it.

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