My first blurb! I know this is primarily a dating site, but it seems it is evolving to be about all sorts of relationships. I’d like to put forth a scenario.
My first cousin, with whom I am extremely close, recently had a baby. My long term boyfriend is also very close with her husband – they are more like brothers than friends. I assumed that we would be asked to be the god-parents. Not only did we not receive an invitation to the Christening, but they asked some mutual friends of ours to be god-parents instead. The two friends they asked are both in their own relationships, and are not actually a couple. I’m not certain if that’s relevant.
I’ll be honest, my feelings were really hurt by this. While I know they are all good friends, I also know that the four of us have a much closer relationship. I love her baby, and since I am unlikely to have any children of my own I really did think that I would be the obvious choice to raise her child in the event of a tragedy.
About a month ago, she casually mentioned that they considered having us as god-parents, but since we didn’t attend church they weren’t comfortable with it. She said she couldn’t have her child raised by someone that wasn’t religious. Now the people they DID choose do not attend church regularly, but on holidays like Christmas and Easter. Even the parents themselves rarely attend church on a regular basis. I can’t help but feel her justification was a tad hypocritical.
Both my boyfriend and I believe in God, but choose not to participate in organized religion.
Am I wrong to be hurt by this? It would be one thing if both the parents and the now god-parents actually attended church regularly, then I could perhaps justify that approach. But knowing that they don’t, and that they are more fair weather church goers, it simply doesn’t make sense to me.
I changed the subject with her because I was simply too confused and hurt to have any sort of appropriate response. What would you have said? Am I being selfish and inconsiderate? Should I bring this up to her and explain how I feel about it? Or just leave it alone, since it’s a done deal and there’s nothing to be done about it anyway? I feel as if she should have discussed this with me before making any final decisions, but also don’t want to be critical of the way people choose to handle choices about their children. Any advice on how to either approach this or get over it is much appreciated.
LemonVibe 
[I don’t know…I tend to think that something like this is such a personal decision for the parents that there’s not a whole lot to do besides accept it and move on. I mean, I totally get why you’re confused and hurt by your friends’ decision, but, ultimately, it’s about them and their family and for some reason they decided to make these other people the god-parents.
And, not to make light of choosing someone for god-parents, but REALLY what is the likelihood that you or the other people would ever be called into service as god-parents? I guess what I mean is that, for some people it seems really important, for others it’s not as meaningful because they don’t really expect that it will ever have to be put into action. It’s also something that can be changed as time and circumstances change who the family is close to and who would be most appropriate as guardians.
If it’s really, really bothering you, you could try asking her a little bit more about what went into the decision, but it also just seems like it’s not your deal – are you hoping to change her mind? Will you hear something that you don’t want to hear and will that damage your friendship? Seems to me that it’s best to let it go.
[Yes, I agree with Erica that this is a more symbolic position than literal. That said, I totally understand the hurt when you are passed over for something that you take so seriously.
I would guess there was (obviously) no discussion of this beforehand. While I do think it would have been appropriate for her to discuss this with you before making a decision – at the same time, if it really was so important to you then you probably should have mentioned it to HER and opened it up for debate proactively.
I think I’d just let this go if you can, and hey – maybe they’ll have other children and you can fill that role then.
[I think for a lot of people, the godparent role is more symbolic than literal. My parents went to church while they were growing up, as did their brothers and sisters. While I was growing up, I went as well, but after confirmation, the family kind of stopped going. I’m with you, now — I believe in god but I don’t need to go to church to “prove” that to anyone.
Godparents don’t have to be a couple, though. My godparents are my aunt and uncle. My father’s brother, my mother’s sister. They are not a couple. My brother’s godparents are my dad’s best friend, and another one of my mother’s sisters. They are not a couple, and they don’t attend church. My parents chose people they loved to symbolically entrust with my upbringing. I think If they really had passed away when I was young, I would have gone to live with my grandparents, regardless.
Anyway… I totally understand why you’re hurt — you and your SO are incredibly close to the parents and expected to be the godparents. When you expect something ahead of time, it’s more of a let down when it doesn’t happen. Your friends’ “they go to church and you don’t” excuse may be true, or it may not. But, I don’t think you should read too much into it. From my experience, the godparent label doesn’t really mean what it used to mean, so maybe your friends just didn’t think it was that big of a deal.
However, this clearly means a lot to you, so you should still talk to your friends. You’re right, it may not change anything, but at least they’ll know how you feel. And maybe they’ll be able to offer up a better excuse if you really push the issue.
[Going to church does not always signify religiousness and vice versa. Keep this in mind. Maybe they are more vocal about religion than you and that’s why they were chosen.
[I don’t think your friend necessarily made her decision thinking that you weren’t good enough for the job or anything. I think a lot of it was simply a misunderstanding of what you religious beliefs are; and some of that blame falls on her for not asking you before making her choice.
But I’ve also heard of situations where individuals were passed up to be called a godparent because the parents didn’t want those people to feel burdened by the “responsibilities” that come with it.
I side with Erica that the godparent role is more of a symbol than a literal title. I have a niece and nephew and am the Godfather to my niece only. The Godmother is my sister’s best friend. Now, if something happened to my sister and brother-in-law, 1.) I doubt they would break up my niece and nephew and 2.) I doubt I’d be given responsibility over either kid…at least I wouldn’t be the first choice.
But getting back to other items you mentioned…when my sister asked me to be Godfather to my niece I began looking into what it all meant; the literal aspect of the title. I’m not the most religious person in the world and definitely have my own belief system when it comes to that topic. I don’t go to church often and have a fairly open mind about religion. So, I asked my sister how she wanted me to play that particular part. Despite my “non-practicing” nature I do still believe in understanding the basics of religion and learning the ground work from which it is structured upon.
I was raise under a specific religion but have been given the freedom to take what I learned growing up and combine it with life experience; forming my own opinion and outlook. That is the structure my sister saw…being there to help build the foundation and help my niece get the ground work for what having faith means but also letting her know that she’s allowed to come to her own conclusions and decide what she wants to believe when that time comes.
Since this does seem to be bothering you a bit, and has hurt you, I would say talk to your friends about. Simply state that you were hoping you’d be chosen to be a godparent and it kind of hurt that you weren’t even invited; and that you’d still like to be an influential part to the child’s life.
All in all, you don’t need the title to be there for the child. You could even very well end up having a better relationship with the kid than the appointed godparents.
So, at the end of it all…it’s only really a title. Nothing more.
[The role of godparents may be different depending on your faith but in the denomination I belong to it has absolutely nothing to do with who the parents designate as legal guardians in their absence. I can’t imagine any church has that kind of power, actually.
In my denomination a godparent (only one is necessary but many people choose two and whether the two are a couple makes is inconsequential) assists with their godchild’s spiritual development. Godparents are chosen based on how well they would be able to fulfill that role. It’s not about who is the closest relative or the best friend.
Even fairly nonreligious parents can desire a more spiritual upbringing for their children than they had or than they can provide alone.
I think being a godparent means something different to you than it does to your friend. It sounds like participation in organized religion was the basis for her choice. I know you’re hurt but try not to judge by calling them hypocritical for not attending church as often as you think they should, given their concern for their child’s spirituality. They and the godparents attend church sporadically. Maybe their spiritual beliefs align more than you think.
[I can sympathize. I have two nephews and I don’t know who my brother and his wife picked to be god-parents but I know it isn’t me and my wife. I’m an agnostic heathen who worships Crom when it amuses me (often!). It hurts, but I learned a long time ago not to bother arguing with religious people. There’s just no convincing a person who’s 100% sure they’re right about something.