Coworker Crush

I will preface this by saying that am in an exclusive, committed relationship—I have no intention of leaving my boyfriend or of cheating. That said, I have developed a bit of a crush on a coworker. He and I work together about three days a week. I am definitely NOT interested in a relationship with this guy; he’s pretty immature and doesn’t hold a candle to my bf in a lot of the personality department, but I really respond to him physically. I can’t help thinking about sex with him, what kind of stuff he might be into, things like that.

My question is, what should I do about this? I feel guilty that I’m having these thoughts about another person, even though I know I won’t act on them. How can I stop having these thoughts?

9 thoughts on “Coworker Crush

  1. theattack says:

    [As long as you know there’s no actual temptation for an emotional OR physical affair, then I really don’t see a lot of harm in your strictly physical crush. Being in a relationship doesn’t preclude someone from being attracted to other people. It’s just how you deal with it that counts.

    People draw different boundaries with what’s appropriate, of course. Some people would say it’s okay to think about that person during sex (probably very few people), and a lot more people would say it’s okay to think about him during some self-love in the same way you might think about some steamy scene from a book you just read or Alec Baldwin in his executive suit in 30 Rock (anyone else??… no??). And even more people would say it’s okay to admire from afar without getting flirty.

    Now, your question was how to stop thinking about him like that. Every time you see him, start thinking about something so repulsive you can’t possibly get in the mood. Think about your great uncle’s awful farts, or how your roommate slurps her food so loudly you can hear it through the walls. Or take Dennis’s goatse (sp?) suggestion from a few blurbs ago… Basic psychological conditioning.

  2. Kier says:

    [Dennis is right on the money here. A large part of physical attraction is biological, rather than something that’s in your head. You haven’t made a conscious decision to feel this way, so you can’t make a conscious decision not to either. Plus, it’s perfectly normal.

    As long as you don’t act on these feelings in any way, you haven’t done anything wrong and have no reason to feel guilty.

  3. Metacognition says:

    [I’ll bet your BF is about the exact opposite of this guy. Where you BF is caring, he’s indifferent and so on. The whole opposites attract concept. Just a guess, but it’s a concept worth looking at.
    Thing is, you’re responding to something more… well as Dennis already put, biological. Biology isn’t what makes a relationship. You and your BF make the relationship.
    Look at this this way, do you hold it against him for noticing a pretty actress? Is recognizing someone of the opposite sex on the verge of cheating? Of course not and that’s all the further you’ve gone. If this guy was Brad Pitt (for example), you wouldn’t have qualms about it, yes?
    I recommend trying to put them on the same page. Everyone else is saying it’s normal to feel this way (and I agree with that), but they’re not really giving you a way to counter it (kudos to TheAttack for even trying to tackle that part). Acceptance won’t just make it go away.
    That’s why I suggest putting him (the other guy) on the same degree as some famous actor. Don’t put him on the same pedestal, but put him in the same category (off limits either by distance or prestige), you follow?
    The idea isn’t to deny yourself your own thoughts, but to also put them out of reach. There’s no harm in thinking, or else Mr. Bale would be probably buried in “paperwork” after the Dark Knight and why should you try to hold yourself to a better standard?
    … I’m trying to explain too much. It’s simple. Put it outside your reach. If you consider it as a possibility, you’re building doubt in your own mind, which I shouldn’t need to tell you is against the cause you’ve stated.

  4. PKP says:

    [I don’t think you should feel guilty in the slightest. I’m married. MARRIED. Not dead. If someone’s pretty, I notice and enjoy the sight. I don’t go home with them. Even a bit of flirting is pretty natural I think. I know my wife flirts with the odd person now and then, and she should. A relationship is about being exclusive with someone, sure, but it shouldn’t be about thought control. That’d be a pretty oppressive, miserable way to go through life in my opinion.

  5. karlos says:

    [You need to find a really annoying quality to attach to this person. If by some chance they don’t have one, make one up. Does he strangle cats? He does now, body odor? He’s got that too, selfish lover? You bet.

  6. resullins says:

    [Ok… I’m not going to read everything else, it’s Monday, and I’m lazy.

    But I would say that if what you say is true, that you would never cheat, and that this guy doesn’t have a good personality (I’m paraphrasing, again, see my first sentence), then there’s nothing wrong with having a little physical crush. I’ve been with my bf for 4 years, and would never cheat, but there’s nothing wrong with fantasizing a little bit. It means you’re human, and that you have eyes, nothing else.

    If it ever DOES get to a point where it’s going too far, “accidentally” walk in on him in the bathroom or something. Or, even better, go stare at half naked Joe Magnalliano, or whoever floats your boat. This is all relative.

  7. LMcMack says:

    [Go to the bathroom and rub one out. 😉

    Seriously, though… this situation is all too common. What do we expect when so many of us often spend far more time throughout the day with our coworkers than our significant others? Of COURSE you will develop attractions and crushes. It’s perfectly normal, and you shouldn’t beat yourself up over it.

    When it starts to interfere with your love life with your S.O., then you may have to readjust your thinking. Normally it fizzles out after time because there is nothing to sustain it. And eventually, you might find his more negative personality traits come out and lessen your attraction – so focus on those and why your boyfriend is so much better of a match for you.

  8. lilredbmw says:

    [Yep, totally normal. I have a couple “boyfriends” on the side, and I’m married. And by “boyfriend” I mean really attractive guys who I just enjoy looking at! In fact, getting to know these people is sometimes all you need to do to make that interest fizzle out. When you see or meet someone attractive, you can assume whatever you want about them. They are a really attractive blank canvas and you can decide what goes on it. Maybe they are super-hot and you imagine that maybe they are really great in bed, have tons of money, own several houses, and have a love of animals and culinary arts. So, they might just be the perfect guy. Right?? But the truth is, they have issues as well. You married for a reason, or you have a committed realtionship for a reason. While you might enjoy the idea of this hot person, the truth will be that he probably has issues, is really very hairy, is selfish in bed and never calls his mother to say hello. Enjoy from afar, and try to think of all the reasons you love your SO.

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