“I got drunk and cheated on my husband”

I absolutely love my husband and believe he is my soulmate. We have gone through some pretty bad times together, but are happier than ever now. We mostly have a very open relationship, where we can talk to each other about many things.

Long story short, I have a minor issue with alcohol, where I lose my shit when I drink alcohol, and just do a bunch of stupid things. I leave a trail of destruction after a night out. I have stopped for three months at a time a few times because I have just hated myself so much after my actions on some nights out. I wish I had been able to stop altogether, but I guess I couldn’t.

I have cheated twice before on my partner when we were dating. At the beginning of our relationship, he used to lie a lot about where he was when out drinking and who he was with. When I would catch him out, he would say it was so I wouldn’t freak out. Just for the record, these actions strung on from his ex, as she would always freak out about him going out etc. I never had a problem with him going out, until the lying started. Anyway, I think these lies really got to me, and when I was super drunk, I acted out. I always felt terrible about it when I did, and I hated myself so much that I quit drinking both times. I was honest and up front about both of these times with him. We moved forward with our relationship, and I tried to control my drinking.

Anyway, fast forward a few years, and we got engaged. My other half really enjoys going out drinking and gambles quite often. Sometimes little, sometimes big. This has really bothered me for a while. We had discussed it in the past, and I really thought that we had worked through this and that I was okay with it. I guess I wasn’t, because one night I went out and cheated, again, while extremely inebriated. Somehow in my state, midway through, I said I couldn’t go through with it anymore, and we stopped and the guy drove me home. He was an ex, and I only had only gotten back in contact with him a few months before. Nothing was exchanged that crossed any lines, until this night. I felt so horrible with myself. Like last time, I literally HATED myself, and the fact that I was able to do this again rocked me to my core and made me so angry and confused. I didn’t know what to do. All I knew is that I couldn’t believe I let myself get to this level of drunk again and create this problem for us all over again. All I wanted was to continue on and make myself better for him and for us and then show him that I would never ever do this again, rather than go through with hurting him and the uncertainty he would face.

So regrettably, I chose not to tell him.

Fast forward a year later, we are now married, and fell pregnant with our first child really soon after. These are both events where I should have come clean before, but I had suppressed the event so far down that I didn’t. I didn’t want it to interfere with who we were. I did make a decision, after that incident, that I would accept him for all of these things and just get over the drinking and gambling. So I have just moved on.

I am about halfway through my pregnancy now, and I’m absolutely livid with myself. I know I have to tell him. I consider myself an honest person and it has literally killed me to keep this for so long now. I think I’ve grown a lot through this pregnancy by not being able to drink. I have grown in a way that I would never have been able to before, and that’s maybe why I never truly learned from my mistakes, and why I continued to make the same mistake.

I have done a lot of soul searching, and I know now that his drinking triggered emotions of instability and abandonment from my childhood (both of my parents were alcoholics and have lost a lot, including us kids, as a result of their drinking). When I drank, that came out within me, and I acted out in a way that I had seen my parents do, by cheating. By no means is this an excuse for my actions, but merely a reason for why I acted in the way I did. I now have finally been able to see this, and recognise that it’s not his fault, and I don’t take the drinking and gambling so personally. This break from alcohol has been life changing for me. Although I never drank every day, even just getting really drunk every weekend blurred my vision of what was truly going on. But I couldn’t stop. I think maybe because everyone around me drinks and I just never had the willpower to say no.

However, with this new insight, I KNOW that I am a changed person, and I will never do those things EVER AGAIN. Not to anyone. I don’t think I have ever been riddled with guilt so much within this past month. I can’t deal with the deceit that I have caused. This is not me.

The reason it’s taken me so long to tell now and not within the last few months, is this is our first child. I don’t want the special moments like the scan to be riddled with this negativity and this mistake. I want it to be pure and beautiful, as it should be. Now, we have a few months before I give birth, and I would like to come clean before we bring a child into this world.

I feel guilty for all of the decisions that I’ve made within the past, but I can’t change them. All I can do is move forward and try to be the most amazing wife and mother. First, I need to give him the choice, if he wants to stick around.

We have spoken recently about all of these issues and revelations that I’ve had lately, without talking about the incident.

I’m so angry at myself, because I know I’ve hurt him. And I wish I wasn’t so stupid! I wish I made better choices. But I didn’t, and now I have hurt someone that I truly love and care about.

I would really like some advice on how to bring this up with him and tell him. Has anyone been through this? How long does it take to restore a relationship after something this terrible?

I already know I’ll get some backlash of how much of a terrible person I am. I really don’t need judgment. I already know he deserves better and that this is a terrible situation. I already know that I have made some pretty stupid decisions, and I already know that some of you think I don’t deserve anything good. But I’m looking for constructive comments that will help me, my husband, and our unborn baby.

12 thoughts on ““I got drunk and cheated on my husband”

  1. joanna585 says:

    You would be telling him you cheated so as to unburden yourself but then he would be extremely hurt. You wouldn’t be relieving pain, you’d just be passing it on for someone else to deal with, not you. So telling him would be a selfish thing to do to unburden yourself. You need a good impartial therapist to talk with. A therapist would listen to you and also help you with coping strategies in order to break the cycle.

  2. Emily says:

    Here are a couple resources that I have really enjoyed that were initially recommended by my counsellor:

    The Power of Positive Thinking by Normal Vincent Peale – A great read to get you forward-thinking.

    Dr. Wayne Dyer was a great motivational speaker/author that has multiple YouTube videos/ Podcasts still available. Also focuses on how our thoughts manifest into our realities.

    One take away that I like that I think you would appreciate is the thought that we get nothing out of guilt. Your thoughts control your perception, and therefore the outcome of every event. To realize and accept that you do not control the universe, but that you are a small piece of it as a whole that is having a human experience.

    I highly suggest learning the “Four Agreements” http://www.toltecspirit.com/

    Hope you take the time to surf some of these options; they have done wonders for my rumination over mistakes and anxiety

    • william Edward peters says:

      why would you cause more pain to an allready mistake by telling him? to hurt him and your relationship maam? The heart doesnt hurt if the heart doesnt know! you learned from it correct? dont make him pay for your sexual education!! Im an older guy and now know that …Sex is just something we animals on the planet do for an hour or so of our silly lives! you dont do it again,well… That tells me you were sorry and you learned your lessons from it! Keep your mouth shut,atleast till your death bed! just keep it your own little skeleton in your closet and try being the best wife possible! That shows your sorry!!

  3. Anonymous says:

    Just be loyal was no reason to cheat on man that you love just be there you don’t need to tell him at this point it’s already too late just I hope that kids his does being loyal stop coming excuses that’s what it sounds like when I read this life will throw you lapse close just got to be loyal or don’t care who has a six-pack and who doesn’t just be loyal that’s a new day that’s what matters everybody wants loyalty

  4. Natalie says:

    Being drunk is not an excuse. Actually, it was a deliberate decision. We don’t excuse drunks who drive a car, and bring drunk is no excuse to be cheating, either. I’m no prude; I’ve been drunk and had sex while drunk. But I never had sex while drunk unless I wanted to have sex with the guy I was doing it with. Same holds true for you. The drunk part was simply your attempt to hide (from others) the reality that you wanted to have sex with the man you had sex with. You would have cheated while cold sober, except that you thought that getting drunk first would cause other people to excuse your cheating.

  5. Xt says:

    I dont believe hes your Soulmate at all and its not your fault and he has most likely cheated as well.

  6. Pastor Mike says:

    I hope he finds out. I hope he divorces you. YOU decided to cheat in advance. Quit trying to use alcohol as your excuse and crutch. Cheaters cheat and you do. Cheating is a character flaw, lying, cheating , deception. You want your cake and your side desert. Did you give him open marriage to see if he can find a better piece of a**? Why not….? Oh, only you get that…. Narcissist!!! Typical piece of cheating dung.

  7. Chris Lieb says:

    If you really cared for this man, you’d tell him and he could divorce you and move on. You’re selfish, looking to spare your own feelings. And you’ve cheated thrice. At a certain point we got to stop blaming Mom and Dad and own up to our own mistakes. Tell him so he can find a woman who won’t BETRAY him. Plus you can be a good example to your kids for owning your “mistake” and dealing with the fallout, and how evil adultery is. Every day you don’t tell him is another day you steal reality from him and betray him again.

    • Natalie says:

      I agree with your point regarding cheating. Yet, sometimes, ignorance is bliss. A man deserves to know whether or not his wife to be is/was a virgin before he met her. But does he really need to know she did it with 11 different guys? Any harm in saying the number was only four? Or omitting the fact that one of those 11 happened to be a black guy (and she and the husband to be are both white)? Hard to know where to draw the line on reporting “prior acts” when getting involved in a forever relationship.

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