“I can’t get over my first love”

So, recently my first love contacted me. He pretty much ended our relationship on a terrible note, and left me crushed in the wake. The relationship itself was rocky but we were young, fresh out of school, and had different interests. He was a gamer, I was a partier. Though I did like gaming, I much preferred just being social and surrounded by people. We had our normal conflicts. I trusted him until the end of the relationship after I found out he had almost hooked up with a girl at a mutual friend’s party during one of our breaks (so that was never an issue in the relationship until the end). I had been very open with him during our times of separation and just expected the same amount of respect back. So once I found that out, I got paranoid and I knew it was going downhill. We broke up two months later.

He grew up in an emotionally and mentally abusive home with an alcoholic and had childhood traumas I couldn’t even touch, but I tried so hard to support him and be patient through all of his struggles. I wanted to be there for him as much as possible because I loved him, I still love him to this day. I’m by no means insinuating I was perfect, my family isn’t “good.” On more than one occasion, under the influence of alcohol, he had outbursts at me, never hitting me, but he would choke me. He never knocked me out or really hurt me, it was more of a restraint hold… And I would leave and eventually forgive him because I knew he didn’t know how to properly manage his emotions (in a matter of five years, this happened four times – no excuses just letting you know) and to me, when you love someone, you fight through the bad because they are worth it and obviously I knew of his past, so I was willing to try.

Now, five years after, he dumped me for a girl I had previously questioned him about and he told me they were just friends. He’s trying to talk to me again, apologizing for the way things ended. He said he wasn’t ready for our kind of relationship back then, and he needed to date this girl because she herself was a recovering alcoholic and he just wanted a better understanding of them, himself, and his own emotions from years of dealing with his abuser.

He told me his relationship was pretty much miserable, but, eye opening and he’s grown a lot and just wanted to talk. I told him I feel like he’s rebounding and that him digging up the past is selfish because I have already dealt with it. Though in all honesty, I was hoping for closure. We legit ended our relationship of five years over a nasty phone call. I have dreams about him all the time. I feel like getting the closure I needed would help me put them to ease. And him saying what he did to me was wrong is giving me some of that needed closure but at the same time I still love him. And obviously he cares enough to reach out to me, or maybe he is just being selfish to cope with his fresh wounds of the ended relationship with that girl he left me for. LOL.

I won’t lie, I miss him. He wasn’t just my boyfriend of five years, he was a friend for 10. He made me happy and content when we were together, I felt safe and at home with him. We talked about marriage and kids (things I never wanted) and our time together was amazing. The sex was outstanding, the chemistry was tangible. I loved his family, his sister tried to remain friends with me, but I felt it was too much of a burden to try to maintain that friendship, and I needed to fully separate myself from him to move on.

Anyway, now I feel weak letting him know I still have feelings for him and I feel silly, considering after he’s caused me so much emotional pain. I lost all my confidence when he left me, I’m not at all the person I use to be. I don’t go out and party. I’m sober. I was diagnosed with a heart condition. I was raped by someone I considered a friend (he doesn’t know). All of my friends slowly have stopped talking to me or I’ve stopped talking to them because they only wanted to party and get fucked up. I’ve really changed in the past five years and I’m curious if he has as well. I guess what I’m asking, is should I give him a chance? Or should I let sleeping dogs lie. Though with running into him they may have woken.

This gets more complicated because I’ve been talking to a guy who lives very far away and have been arranging for him to come visit me ASAP because we both have mutual feelings for each other but the distance and cost is putting that dream to a halt and I’m not sure if I should be so emotionally attached to someone I’ve never even met and if I should throw away my opportunity with him for my ex or vice versa. This situation has me so stressed. I’ve asked friends and no one seems to give me a legit answer on what to do.
I’m scared of getting hurt again. I’m scared I’ll choose the wrong guy. I’m scared he’s not changed at all. I’m scared I’ll make a regrettable mistake here so I’m coming to this random site to ask for advice. Be easy on me.

I’m a 27-year-old female, btw, and I hope this post isn’t too spotty, and explained enough for you to get an idea of whats going on.

Also, on a creepier fact, let me explain this series of events: I had a dream about him. the following day he wrote me on Facebook (I did not know). Two days after that we ran into each other for the first time since our split (that’s how I found out about the message). Just weird coincidences that happened I felt obligated to point out. AND these types of things have brought us together in the past, so it gives me the heebs. Anyway thanks for taking the time to read/reply/whatever.

What would you do?

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4 thoughts on ““I can’t get over my first love”

  1. Anonymous says:

    Get a counselor and stay busy AWAY from bad news ex who is going after you when you are vulnerable. There is NEVER any reason to chock your significant other. He’s not been going to anger management classes or AA meetings so RUN LIKE HELL!

  2. Kay says:

    I think on some level, when you are in love with a person, there will always be a part of you that holds that person in a special place. You loved him for a reason at one point, and I don’t think that ever goes away. With that said, I don’t think that automatically means you should invite him back into your life in that way. You also broke up for a reason and cannot ignore the negative parts of your relationship.

    It’s hard to completely dismiss the idea, because there are people who, after years of separation, find themselves back with each other. So what I would do first is determine one thing – was the demise of your relationship based on personality or timing? It sounds more like his actions were heavily to blame, and I personally don’t take physical abuse lightly (I watched my sister experience a horrendous relationship despite my attempted intervention), but his constraint may be a sign of an ability to change. I can’t be sure of that, and if you can’t, I would certainly take that into consideration in making your decision. I think it’s okay to acknowledge and admit that you still care – I don’t find that weak at all – but I think there is a difference in loving someone and being in love with someone.

    I would say, maybe see where things go with the new guy, though. It’s acceptable to reestablish a friendship with your ex while pursuing a new person, so long as your intentions with each are a clearly defined. If you find your feelings leading you in one direction over another over time, it will be easier to make the decision when the times comes. For now though, I don’t think you should go right back to your ex. It’s very easy for people who know you to use that knowledge in their favour. Best of luck!

  3. writerkaren2017 says:

    Hi. I know exactly how you feel. The thing is you need to check why you want to meet him. Are you curious to see how he’s doing now or are you trying to rewrite the unwritten chapter? Through my own experience (which is more or less like yours) I can tell you, that the past has nothing new to say. I also used to have dreams like yours, which made me think they were signs that we were meant to be together.
    The thing is that love never really goes away. You will always feel this way about him. This sense of nostalgia. But that doesn’t mean you can’t have strong feelings and emotions for someone else. The choice you need to make here is not who to love, but what life to choose. I would say don’t commit to anything at the moment. Keep your options open and choose what you feel would be a better life for yourself..one filled with laughter, goals and shared values. Then you’ll know who would be a better fit for you. In the meanwhile, keep all options open. You don’t owe anyone anything at this point. Live in the light!

  4. jasmin says:

    I am in love with someone that is no good for me either. I met him 5 years ago, and although it wasn’t love at first sight. After a few days when he looked into my eyes, I felt an inexplicable connection. However, I don’t think it was the same for him, because he lead me on in so many ways. We texted and communicated over the phone for two years, but then when we eventually met we didn’t have much in common, but still the connection or feelings were there. however, he has big issues and although hes 35 hes not ready for a committed relationship.He just wants sex and games. We never had a physical relationship, but I love him. He sleeps around with other women and lies all the time. I know I shouldn’t think about him, and eventually you will think about the one you loved less and less. All I can tell you is to distract yourself, and put that energy elsewhere because your opening a door that is meant to close. Let your heart heal now and move on.

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