When I met my wife, she was in normal fit shape, and her natural body and face is 10/10 beautiful, like unbelievably so, to the point that she could get whatever she wanted whenever she wanted it. If she could sing she might be famous. But I was not interested in her because she seemed so into getting attention for her looks. It put me off.

At some point she actually gained a lot of weight, like 100 lbs really fast. I was friends with her during that time (not necessarily close) and never really considered being with her, I was honestly concerned for her because she had gained so much weight incredibly fast and she would literally be dead now if she had kept that up. She eventually lost most of that weight. We got together when we ran into each other and she helped me with a place to stay on campus at our school, after a bad breakup that left me with no place to live for awhile.. As we talked, she explained how she had started focusing on spirituality in life (not any specific religion, same as myself) and I fell for her. I made a mistake believing that she had changed. I made several mistakes. I thought I would be on her side by acknowledging how her body had changed and supporting her to be mentally and physically healthy.But she took my comments as statements of dissatisfaction, and memorized them all. Now she is completely obsessed with the idea that I find other women “objectively” more attractive than her. She has tortured me for thousands of hours asking me about every single part of her body and asking me about every single mutual woman that we know. Stalking everything, from every single Facebook picture I have liked, to my Google history, from long ago to check what porn I watched forever ago.

She even paid a hacker a grand to see how long it takes me to scroll past women’s pictures on fb. I haven’t masturbated once in this 1.5 year marriage, let alone watch porn. I really don’t care. But she still accuses me of watching porn and masturbating all the time. Dick-Stroker is her favorite name for me. It makes me miserable. It doesn’t matter if it’s just another day or Christmas, or our anniversary. Actually those days are the worst. She didn’t say shit for our first anniversary this past year. It crushes me.

To make matters worse, I used to play sports at a very high level for a long time until maybe 6 years ago. When I first attended college, I was considering playing on either the basketball or tennis team, I elected to do neither because my major was piano and I was pretty far behind. Anyways I’m in pretty good shape even though I haven’t done much for a while, and people tell me pretty regularly that I am good looking. Anyways I dropped the sports completely and worked very hard and now I perform live music for a living. I have worked so hard, so so hard, and I supported us when she didn’t work for a year after we graduated, by performing at wedding and private parties with big bands, as well as teaching piano. She hated that horribly and I eventually quit because I was not happy with it, but also because it was murdering us. Now I perform by myself and make even more money and she doesn’t like it much but it’s not as bad, because most places I play are simple bars where middle aged people go.

But other times…for example one time I performed downtown and when she came by to pick me up (we share the car) and saw women that made her feel insecure, she spit in my face and slapped me, cussed me out. And that’s just one example. In her jealousy she demanded that I save for her plastic surgery, and I did it. Now she has a cool 15k in the bank because I paid all the bills, saved 10k last year, and let her save 5k more by working while I am completely broke all the time. We decided a while back to have a child now, and then plastic surgery so she won’t have to stretch again later. So she’s 4 months pregnant and things are worse than ever.

She uses the child to hurt me all the time. I try to talk to her about her insecurities but she is dead set that I find her unattractive and other women attractive, which her means I am cheating on her all the time. I don’t give a damn about other women and avoid them like the plague, trying to respect her as my wife, but it means nothing to her. I have no female friends. I argued with her about that originally, because I want a normal healthy life, and relationship but gave up long ago because it’s just not worth it. I really don’t care anyways and don’t want to feed her insecurities in any way. I truly can’t understand how I am supposed to make some “suspended belief” happen when she knows she doesn’t look like she did, not that I care.

I have sacrificed everything for her, and I feel so horrible with someone who constantly talks to me about how they are going to leave me and find the man that finds her as the most sexy woman on earth. Before you start with the “best looking for you” or “most beautiful in all ways”, if I ever say anything like that, she will just say I’m saying things like that because I don’t find her as the most objectively sexy woman in the world. I get so annoyed because she is actually such an incredibly beautiful person and she is so ego-thirsty. I have put her in front of everything in my life from my family to work, to all the money I earn, but she doesn’t give a fuck.

I feel so depressed because I’m stuck. I love her so much and will support her regardless of what happens, but I am so sad because her body comes before me so clearly. She has spent more on the hacker than she has contributing to our relationship. I feel like I’m drowning and I just want to drink or smoke weed and cigarettes to get some relief. I fight to quit these things but every single day, no matter what we’re talking about, it turns into her obsessions. When I put alcohol, weed, or cigarettes down nothing gets better and I have no motivation to stay away from them. I get so down and feel so worthless because I never dreamed of being treated like this by my wife.

The only consolation is that I will have a daughter soon that I can love and won’t treat me like this, unless my wife takes her away from me, which I probably couldn’t stop her from doing, since I have DWI history. At this rate I’m going to get cancer or something. She acts so awful, jealous of everyone from waitresses that she refuses to tip or let me tip 15% to even attacking me about my teenage piano students. I don’t know what to do. I love her and I truly think she is stunningly beautiful, but I messed up long ago thinking that the right thing to do was to acknowledge the scars on her body and support her I guess.

We are completely crippled to the point where we can’t watch a movie or go out, and this is really damaging my personal aspirations as a musician as well. She literally wants me to fail or quit performing. We spend so much time talking about the same things, and it prevents me from being productive and toils my life away. I feel I have done so much to show her my love and commitment, but none of that seems to matter.  I want my love to heal but she hasn’t let a single thing go since our relationship began, and seems to make it a point to remind herself of everything hurtful I have or said all the time so she never forgets. Please help me. I posted here anonymously but I’m sure she will find out one way or another. Oh well.