I’ve been reading about breakups (because I’m perverse), and a common theme seems to be how one person thinks everything is fine and is going happily about their business when suddenly their partner bushwhacks them with a breakup.

Now, the general consensus appears to be that the one who does the dumping has probably been thinking about it for a while and that’s why they can move on so quickly and easily, because they were emotionally detaching long before they ever thought to say it out loud. And most people seem okay with this. Like it’s just the way things are.

Does that strike anyone else as insidious? How do you do that? How do you sit there thinking about how it’s not working for you and maybe you want out while maintaining a facade of happiness for your oblivious partner? How cruel is that? How can anyone do that without drowning in guilt?

I get that, as human beings, one trait we all share is ferocious self-interest. That’s why there’s cheating, lying, etc. But it’s so dismaying to see that a lot of people think this is just how it is, that it’s okay to do this. I know we all like to hedge our bets, but deliberately concealing your true feelings from a significant other just to spare yourself some discomfort and personal responsibility seems so…cowardly. It leaves all the burden on the one being broken up with. The ex is left to deal with all the pain alone. And that seems just so unnecessarily callous.

Any thoughts?

My boyfriend and I were discussing various sexual things we would or wouldn’t try last night when he told me that he loved doing one specific thing and had done it a lot in the past. The act is something I’ve been too insecure to do up to this point, and it would take a lot of reassurance for me to be able to do it in the future. I don’t mind that my boyfriend has a past, as I have one myself. He just slipped up by telling me the details about it, and though I realize it was just a mistake on his part, I cannot stop picturing him doing this with all of his ex-girlfriends (who are all hotter, skinnier, more athletic, bigger boobed, and apparently more confident than I am). I need some advice for how to move past this burning image in my head and stop dry-heaving over it. Right now I feel ashamed and just not good enough for him, and I feel like I can’t even look at him right now because I’m too disturbed and insecure about it.

I have decided to quit.

I realize this sounds like the coward’s way out, but the mental anguish has reached a level I cannot cope with. Despite the fact that he turned out to be an asshole, I am in love with him and I won’t be able to stop being in love or function normally if I have to keep seeing him. My sectionmates have informed me that I don’t look particularly distressed, just quiet and reserved, so I know I’m not visibly falling apart, but on the inside I am dying.

I don’t care what he gets out of this. I don’t care if he feels like he “won” or if he gets some sick satisfaction out of my quitting. That speaks more to his character than mine. I also know that I might eventually be annoyed with myself for doing this once I get over it, or I might not. None of that matters. All I want is to stop being in love. And I can’t do that while I still work there.

It’s not even the rejection that hurts so much anymore. It’s all the lies he told me, all those things I told him in confidence only to have him use those things against me.

What do you think? Am I acting foolishly? Am I a coward?

Once upon a time I had a friend who constantly got into all kinds of scrapes (usually involving money, sometimes school crap). Every time we got together it was always about figuring out the problem and getting out of trouble. It was actually pretty fun sometimes because it gave us stories we could tell later (e.g. remember that time we had no money for rent and then figured out we could get extra funding, but the paperwork was due yesterday so we had to bluff our way through a meeting with a financial officer, pretending the whole time like we’d already submitted the paperwork weeks ago and never heard back?)

Like I said though, this was fun only sometimes and it pretty much was the relationship. If there wasn’t a conflict, there wasn’t much talking or sharing going on. Plus it was kind of exhausting. Eventually, the friendship just ended, abruptly. We finished school and I just couldn’t afford the time/money/effort on problems that could have easily been avoided in the first place. That’s probably part of what growing up is about, but I could be wrong.

What are your thoughts? Do you have this kind of relationship right now? Is this even a relationship or some kind of sick game between two sick people? I’m just curious to know how unique or common this kind of relationship is.

One afternoon I was sitting at a Starbucks, doing a little reading, when I overheard a young woman (I’m guessing somewhere in her 20?s) making the following comment to a Barista (they were apparently friends):

“If a guy is 40 and he’s never been married that is a red flag.”

The interesting thing is that roughly around that same time, this subject was briefly discussed in a Podcast I listen to (from time to time) called ‘Sex with Emily’. In this podcast they had some listeners call in with their take on this topic. I was surprised to hear how many people agree with this and how it was all directed negatively towards men.

The above had me thinking, is there an expiration date to being single? How long is it “appropriate” to have never been married before you become the proverbial dating-leper?

Let’s apply this to both men and women?

Questions for you:

Guys, at what age would you consider it a ‘red flag’ if someone you were interested in dating had never been married, and for arguments sake let’s also include never being engaged. Why?

Girls, same questions.

I understand that this isn’t necessarily “black ‘n’ white”. There are always going to be possible unknown factors (valid factors) that could explain why a person has never been married/engaged.

I’m 31 and in a very serious relationship; but for the case of this conversation let’s hypothetically say I’m 40 and single.

Having never really been a “serial dater” let’s say by age 40 I have been in three (3) serious relationships (last 6 months or longer). Using historical data we’ll estimate that I dated about 30 girls in the last 20 years; dating being defined as having gone out on a minimum of 3 dates.

My estimated average of Serious Relationships to Girls Dated is One out of Ten (1:10).

I have a steady job, close friendships, extra-curricular interests; most of them social in one way or another. Unless my friends have been lying to me all these years I have a great personality, sense of humor, level head and many other admirable qualities.

What there makes me a dating liability? Why does the red flag go up? Knowing only what was written above, what would someone speculate that could be considered a “warning”?

I’ve been friends with this girl for six years, after we graduated she moved across the country and we stayed in touch, but…

It feels like she only calls me when she wants to vent. She’ll text me at ridiculous hours (10 am on a random workday) asking if I’m available to talk to her or texting, “Are you available to talk later today? I need to sort some stuff out.” This happens maybe once a month or every other month.

On the one hand, she’s had a difficult move back home because she’s pretty lonely and doesn’t have many friends there. On the other, she never calls me just to have a regular friendly call and has even mentioned it herself. “I feel terrible. I only call you when I’m having a crisis!” When she says this I jokingly suggest she should call me more often. When I call her, she’s usually busy so I’ve stopped.

When she lived here we hung out regularly, and she did complain about things but it wasn’t such a central feature of our friendship. I’ve given her advice, but some new ‘thing’ always comes up. I really do value the friendship we had so I don’t want to dump it, but I feel it’s very one-sided now. Has anyone ever had a similar experience, and how should I go about addressing this?

First of all, I’ve been diagnosed with depression since 2006. Off and on, I sometimes doubt my relationship with my boyfriend. It is my first serious relationship, but I know from dating casually what kind of person and what kind of relationship I want. I’m 26; he is 32. We’ve been together for 3 years and for the first two, I was certain he was the love of my life. Things were going great, and then, as usual, a doubt enters my mind, and I can’t stop the spiral. I honestly cannot pinpoint what led to the doubts- the only change was, he was finally ready to start talking about getting married. Some have said that this must be the trigger…he’s finally ready to get married, and I am sad and disinterested because the chase is over. But I feel like its something more…At the beginning of our relationship, he really questioned whether or not he was supposed to be single and celibate (he’s a chaplain and an ordained minister). It was a struggle for us, and as he’s realized that I am the person he wants to spend his life with, he’s more excited about marriage. I’ve always been really certain (since a few months in) that I could see myself with him for life. I admired him so much, but I also became really comfortable with him. We are best friends. I would get desperate about his uncertainty, and our relationship almost ended once because of it. Now, it seems like he’s finally ready and I’m the one not so sure. I don’t know if this is just “normal” cold feet, or if it is exacerbated by my nature to over-analyze and doubt… or if something is really happening, and my feelings are changing (without being affected by my depression).
I’ve shared these feelings with him, and he thinks that it’s normal for the newness and excitement to wear off in a long-term relationship. I’ve become so upset thinking about breaking up with him…that I don’t think I could do it. And, I believe if I did, it could potentially be a huge mistake. I can’t imagine life without him. I can’t imagine finding someone else like him, with the same passions or interests or humor. We’ve built a great life together, and I don’t want it to end.

I just want my feelings back. I wouldn’t be relieved to break up with him, I would feel worse if I did. Its not just him, I can’t imagine feeling romantic toward anyone right now.
At the same time, I’ve pretty much allowed my negative thoughts convince me that I’m not in love with him anymore. He’s still the same person I fell in love with! I was so happy…what could have happened to make me lose my feelings and certainty? He hasn’t done anything to hurt me or change the relationship. Did I just want what I couldn’t have and now I’m losing the fantasy, so I’m no longer interested?
Another aspect of my depression is:
I try to find distractions or things to latch onto in order to stop the spiral when I feel it could start pulling me down. Until 2 months ago, seeing my boyfriend, knowing he was there for me, always made me happy. It was the one thing I could count on to brighten my day. I looked forward to it, and felt like it could save me when I was heading toward a dark week. Maybe I was obsessed with how he made me feel and now that I’m worried about us, I can’t allow myself to just enjoy his company– I sit and worry about why I don’t feel GOOD anymore. I wasn’t able to control my own happiness, I relied on him for it. Now that it doesn’t give me the same feeling of relief, I think maybe I should end it. But, there is no event that should have caused the feelings to change this drastically. Am I just projecting my sadness onto him now? I know that I was in love with him, is it still there? Is it just the depression and spiral confusing my feelings?

I’m a widower. I was married to a wonderful woman and when she passed it took many years for me realize I was tired of being sad, depressed and lonely. So I made some changes. I spruced up, lost some weight and tried the online dating bit. I just couldn’t seem to make a go of it so I hired a match maker firm and was referred to several nice ladies. The people at the firm assured me that since there were many more widows than widowers I would have not a problem finding someone. As I said the ladies I met were nice and of a similar age but they all acted as if they were 20 years older. I was looking for a companion I could have fun with, develop a relationship with and these gals weren’t interested. I was beginning to get depressed all over again.
THEN I went to an exotic auto show to exhibit my car and this lovely young lady who was interested in it dropped by. We hit it off immediately so we stood and talked for good while. Then she wanted to go look at the other cars and left. Dummy me – I didn’t get her name or number and it was a big show and I thought I’d never see her again. But, mirable dictu she showed back up and we talked until the show ended. I was smitten and although I’m older I think she was also. We had breakfast together the next day and then spent the rest of the day getting to know each other better. I know I had a glorious day and she certainly appeared to also.
She lives a 4 hour drive away and so I set out to attempt a long distance romance. I’d go and visit and we’d spend the weekend together. Whenever she first sees me the smile on her face is one of tremendous happiness or else she’s one hell of an actress. We always had a ball together. Since I’m open and honest and I don’t play games I let her know that she made me seriously happy. Looking back on it maybe this was a mistake for I feel it was around then she first mentioned this “I just want to be friends” idea. I don’t understand.
I want to take our relationship to the next level. We have lots in common and we enjoy each others company. I’m certain I’ve treated her well cause when I was married I learned a lot and without bragging too much I was a good husband. Working on a relationship is second nature to me now but to do that I need this gal to either let me get closer. Either that or else tell me it’ll never work and turn me loose. The second option is hateful but I’m not getting any younger and I need to get on with my life.
So if any of you good people know how I might induce her to get over this friends idea I would love to hear your ideas.
Thanks for everything in advance.

A friend, not a close friend, but a coworker type relationship, is always talking about her boyfriend. What’s described as a complex relationship with silly little fights by her just sounds like the guy is a douche.

It seems like maybe she doesn’t see that the way he acts, at least in the stories she tells, isn’t cute fighting but kind of dickish.

Her close friend tells her he’s no good unless he starts treating her better. But I don’t have any place saying that, we aren’t that close.

I don’t want to see her get hurt or anything, but is there anything appropriate I can say?

I’m embarrased to admit it but I slept with the boy I’ve been in love with since the fifth grades older brother Chris. All these years I have been in love with Will and he has never showed that he loved me back or even cared the slightest about me. But recently he told me that he indeed did love and care about me. This all steemed from his asking why I hung out with his brother. I told him the truth and he freaked out. I feel like me sleeping with Chris ruined everything I possibly could have had with Will. I just want to know how to fix it. I love him…even if my actions show something different.