First of all, I’ve been diagnosed with depression since 2006. Off and on, I sometimes doubt my relationship with my boyfriend. It is my first serious relationship, but I know from dating casually what kind of person and what kind of relationship I want. I’m 26; he is 32. We’ve been together for 3 years and for the first two, I was certain he was the love of my life. Things were going great, and then, as usual, a doubt enters my mind, and I can’t stop the spiral. I honestly cannot pinpoint what led to the doubts- the only change was, he was finally ready to start talking about getting married. Some have said that this must be the trigger…he’s finally ready to get married, and I am sad and disinterested because the chase is over. But I feel like its something more…At the beginning of our relationship, he really questioned whether or not he was supposed to be single and celibate (he’s a chaplain and an ordained minister). It was a struggle for us, and as he’s realized that I am the person he wants to spend his life with, he’s more excited about marriage. I’ve always been really certain (since a few months in) that I could see myself with him for life. I admired him so much, but I also became really comfortable with him. We are best friends. I would get desperate about his uncertainty, and our relationship almost ended once because of it. Now, it seems like he’s finally ready and I’m the one not so sure. I don’t know if this is just “normal” cold feet, or if it is exacerbated by my nature to over-analyze and doubt… or if something is really happening, and my feelings are changing (without being affected by my depression).
I’ve shared these feelings with him, and he thinks that it’s normal for the newness and excitement to wear off in a long-term relationship. I’ve become so upset thinking about breaking up with him…that I don’t think I could do it. And, I believe if I did, it could potentially be a huge mistake. I can’t imagine life without him. I can’t imagine finding someone else like him, with the same passions or interests or humor. We’ve built a great life together, and I don’t want it to end.
I just want my feelings back. I wouldn’t be relieved to break up with him, I would feel worse if I did. Its not just him, I can’t imagine feeling romantic toward anyone right now.
At the same time, I’ve pretty much allowed my negative thoughts convince me that I’m not in love with him anymore. He’s still the same person I fell in love with! I was so happy…what could have happened to make me lose my feelings and certainty? He hasn’t done anything to hurt me or change the relationship. Did I just want what I couldn’t have and now I’m losing the fantasy, so I’m no longer interested?
Another aspect of my depression is:
I try to find distractions or things to latch onto in order to stop the spiral when I feel it could start pulling me down. Until 2 months ago, seeing my boyfriend, knowing he was there for me, always made me happy. It was the one thing I could count on to brighten my day. I looked forward to it, and felt like it could save me when I was heading toward a dark week. Maybe I was obsessed with how he made me feel and now that I’m worried about us, I can’t allow myself to just enjoy his company– I sit and worry about why I don’t feel GOOD anymore. I wasn’t able to control my own happiness, I relied on him for it. Now that it doesn’t give me the same feeling of relief, I think maybe I should end it. But, there is no event that should have caused the feelings to change this drastically. Am I just projecting my sadness onto him now? I know that I was in love with him, is it still there? Is it just the depression and spiral confusing my feelings?