“My fiance is still seeing his ex-wife”

We’re sitting here talking, and he’s texting her. He doesn’t think I know, but I do. He changes her name to the person he is talking about or “talking to” the most that day and acts like the conversation is still going on.

She is his “ex”-wife (and I use that term loosely), and I am his fiancee. He has told me stories of how horrible she was to him, and how she “bamboozled” him into marriage. Yet he still talks to her. I know a woman’s intuition is usually spot on, but not only do I have that “gut feeling,” I have the proof to back it up. I know what time he actually gets off work, but he doesn’t know I am aware of the time.

H stays with me every night and talks to me all day long, but I know when he is talking from work, and talking when he is with her. We have dubbed the day I found out about him being married (we have been together for over a year — again — now, and this is a recent issue from August) to be called “D-day.”  He has “walked away” from everything he owns and knows, and I know that he hasn’t.

This is a very tender, touchy, quick-to-fight topic for us, and I know I need to bring it to his attention — that I’m not as dumb as he may think I am, that I know. But I am scared I will lose him. I have money invested into planning the wedding, my girls have already gotten their dresses, and the groomsmen are all in agreement with the tuxes we have picked.

Yet they have no idea who I am or that I am apart of his life. I need some advice on how to bring this up in a “it has to stop” manner instead of anger and rage. It breaks my heart, breaks me down, makes me reevaluate myself, and then ultimately … pisses me off. I don’t know what he is telling her as to why he isn’t home at night, but I want to call her myself and say, “do you truly know where he is right now? Do you know that he is lying down with me at night and promising me the world while talking very badly of your name? Do you know these things?”

He just dedicated a song to her called I like you better dead, yet just went to the restroom to call her and tell her he loves her. I am in love with him, he stole my heart years ago, and it has been his ever since. That is why I keep sweeping it under the rug, but I feel like I am mentally breaking myself down and driving myself crazy. I want him all to myself, and I am very selfish, stingy, and territorial over my man. What do I do, how do I approach this?

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4 thoughts on ““My fiance is still seeing his ex-wife”

  1. Angie says:

    This post reveals that you see ALL the red flags in this situation, but still want to ignore them. If you have ample evidence that he’s seeing her, and know full well that he was still married when you started dating, I think it’s time to break it off.

    Don’t be “Scared you’ll lose him,” you’re better off without him! Cut your losses on wedding planning. If he is so willing to cheat while you’re dating, the same will continue after the wedding. Consider the sunk costs worth it, because at least you won’t have to pay for a divorce a year from now.

    You may feel like he “stole your heart”, but there are other fish in the sea who will be willing to treat you better than this guy.

  2. Dennis Hong says:

    I’d say you have two options:

    1) You stick with him, because he stole your heart and you love him. And in that case, you accept him and go through the rest of your life living with the liar and cheat that he is. Because I guarantee you will never be able to change him.

    Or:

    2) You tear your heart away from him, and give yourself the time and space you need to move on. It will be unbelievably painful and probably the most difficult thing you’ll ever have to do. But in the end, you’ll look back on this guy and wonder what the hell you were thinking.

    Only you can decide which option is right for you.

  3. Jess Stephen says:

    I need to agree with Dennis here on option 2.

    You should never put yourself second or be made to feel second or like an option. Once he marry’s you, who says he won’t find someone else? And then give you excuses at to why he isn’t home.

    Please don’t go through with this. You need to put yourself first. You need to fight for your own happiness and stop sacrificing it for him. You’re better than the mat that he is treating you as. Please put more worth in yourself and know that you will find love again.

    You will get through this and you will look back on this with so many questions as to why or how you let it get so far.

    You deserve to be the best version of yourself for yourself. Not a second best for someone else.

  4. merlotweb says:

    Like Jess said, you should never put yourself second ESPECIALLY to your future husband. If you love him you need to tell him your concerns, if he doesn’t find them rational he needs to leave your life because you should not be treated like that for being concerned.

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