I have been on eHarmony for a couple of years now on and off. Have met some women but nothing lasting. Three months ago I finally got matched with someone that seemed to be a good fit. The only problem was that she lived about 100 miles away.

On the phone we had great chemistry. The first conversation we had we spent an hour just talking. After two months of talking on the phone almost every day with strong chemistry, and after both of us sending multiple photos back and forth, we decided to meet. I had vacation time saved up, so I took a few days off from work and drove up to visit her.

The entire time I was driving up, I was pretty excited. I mean, the way she described herself was pretty much just like in her photos. I had no reason to doubt her. I never asked her her weight, since that would be pretty tactless, but looking back, maybe I should have. The moment I saw her, I IMMEDIATELY knew this was not the person for me. She was a good bit heftier than her photos made her out to be, but that wasn’t the only thing. She just looked TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

The ironic part was, before we met, I was so worried she wouldn’t like the way I look. I had sent honest photos of myself and over the phone, even mentioned jokingly that I hoped she would be happy with the way I looked. She laughed it off and never even said anything about how she would look to me! It just blows my mind thinking about it now.

So yeah, I met her, and I was way disappointed, but I played it off. I mean, I didn’t want to hurt her. The thing is, she had already told all her friends and family about me and built me up. I was even staying with her grandparents. I just couldn’t in good faith crush her in front of all her people like that.

And I did try to give her a chance, since I was already going to be up there for four days. We hung out, I met her friends, had dinner with her parents (man, that was some serious torture), but deep down I just couldn’t force it. The entire time I felt so shallow because we had gotten along so well over the phone, but when I met her, I just wasn’t attracted to her. AT ALL. After two days of faking it, I couldn’t do it anymore, so I pulled the “I don’t feel the chemistry” card and came back home. Man, that was a LONG drive back.

So was I being shallow? I mean, this was someone I’ve never had more chemistry with. But it turns out it was only over the phone. What was I supposed to do when we finally met and I realized she didn’t look anything like her photos? Or what if she HAD sent me honest photos? Should I have been willing to overlook that?

On an online dating site over the past week, I’ve been messaging with this guy who seems pretty cool. We exchanged a few messages through the site, then I told told him that he could email me directly. I haven’t given him my number yet.

Today, I noticed that he found me on Facebook and sent me a friend request. I have some stuff on my page that’s publicly viewable, but most of my pictures I’ve set to private. This leads me to believe that he sent the friend request because he wants to check out my pictures. Just to clarify, I already have more than 10 photos on my dating profile, so it’s not like I’m being all that secretive or anything.

The last message he sent me before I got the Facebook request was, “I’ve enjoyed messaging with you and was wondering if you want to meet sometime?” I haven’t responded yet, but I think he sent the Facebook request right after sending this email.

I’m thinking of denying his request and telling him that I only add people if we actually communicate from time to time. But, I do want to meet him, so I’m not sure if he would take this as a rejection. Any suggestions on how I can handle this?

I have a discussion question that I think might be kinda fun….

In an online forum I’m active on, people were talking about the fact that making friends online these days is pretty common. You post on a forum, you get to know others, and pretty soon, you start thinking of them as friends. You might even end up meeting them in real life. Yet, there’s probably a large segment of the population that still thinks this is weird.

That got me to thinking: Are there any weird places that you’ve made a friend that you have a difficult time explaining to others? Because I have the perfect example….

Years ago, while I was in grad school at UC San Diego (studying microbiology), I went on a Caribbean cruise with my family. On the cruise, I met a guy who was also there with his family. He was about to graduate from college in Pennsylvania as a bio major, and was thinking of moving to San Diego to go into biotech, seeing as how the city is pretty much a mecha for that industry.

I gave him my contact information, he came out for a few interviews, I showed him around town, and he ended up moving here and we became friends. And that’s when the awkwardness began. Because I’d invite him out to meet my friends, and my friends would ask how he and I knew each other….

All I’m gonna say is, there is absolutely NO way two guys can explain that they met on a cruise without it coming off as anything but GAY.

So, it became something of a running joke for us.

Anyway, do any of you have any friends you met in a non-typical setting that might create some awkward misunderstandings? How do you handle it?

I’m a geek. Gaming. Tech. Comics. Book worm. Speculative fiction. Introvert. From the first time I played the neighbour kid’s Atari or taking apart our brand new Apple IIE. I was just born that way.

I’m incredibly proud of my geek status. However, geekdom is only one part of me. I’m also an artist, world traveler, adventurer, people watcher, history/sociology/psychology junkie, athlete, baker, raging liberal, dancer, Buddhist, theater fan, and film enthusiast (worked in the industry for 10 years).

Most importantly, I’m a woman. I have a female brain that studies in neuroscience since the mid 90’s has proven that’s it’s scientifically impossible to think like a man. I love kittens, flowers, rainbows, crafts and cooking. I want romance, emotional support, a safe place to show vulnerabilities and talk about feelings.

I don’t have the time, money or desire for high fashion. I work with geeks, so during the day it’s nice jeans, a fitted nerdy tee and minimalist make-up. When I go out though I do dress up with subtle make-up. I get my eyebrows waxed, mani-pedis, and shop at boutiques; so it’s not like I’m frumpy in any way.

Relationships always starts the same. Excited to find a kindred spirit (smart and geeky). When I do get a chance to talk about my other interests, they appear to be interested. They say they want to try the activities I’m interested in. They say they are attracted to my enthusiasm for experiencing new things. However after a month or 2, that all changes. If I talk about something non-geeky, their eyes glaze over. If I ask to do something other than gaming, some other geek activity, or yet another dinner and a movie, at best I get “yeah sometime,” and it never happens. Worst case is nasty and manipulative comments about how I shouldn’t want it or even that I don’t deserve it. What about non-geeks? Just reverse it with an added bonus of anger at my gaming time.

I don’t expect people to read my mind, so I clearly ask for things calmly. I’m upfront and honest about what I’m looking for. But it all just seems to be ignored.

I’ve tried online dating profiles that have only a single line that I work in tech, and still the only non-canned responses I get are from people only wanting to talk about tech. To the point of ignoring other topics.

If this was an isolated event that would be different. I am constantly left with this overwhelming feeling that they fall for some idea of me instead of the person. That because I’m a geek, intelligent, and confident that I should be no maintenance (actually has been said a few times). That being a gamer I should just be complacent when they want to game all night every night. That being a geek should nullify being a girl.

Is there anything I can do differently to get them to see me as something other than this archetype that still keeps me true to myself? Other than “stop dating assholes.” Which is the only thing my friends can come up with.

So, I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half, and I’ve since become good friends with most of his friends. I’m especially good friends with his best friend, lets call him Robert. So, Robert is on his 2nd girlfriend since I’ve known him. He was dating Erica when I met him, and she was fun and easy to get along with. A generally good person (and someone my boyfriend had known for years before she and Robert even dated). Long story short, they didn’t work out and broke up after about a year. They’re still friends, and my boyfriend and I are still close with both of them.

All good so far…

A few months after Erica and Robert broke up the storm had settled and he moved into a house with a few friends and a new aquaintance, let’s call her Laura. Robert and Laura were both single, and they (predictably) fell into a relationship. Here’s where the problems start.

My boyfriend is not crazy about Laura. She has a bit of an abrasive personality, and as much as I’ve tried the best I can to mediate the situation, I’m starting to see where he’s coming from when he says she’s basically a pain to get along with. We don’t feel like we can be ourselves around her. The thing is, it’s exactly the opposite with Robert. He’s such an easy going person, and we feel like we can say anything around him and be ourselves. With Laura, it’s easy to say “the wrong thing” and upset her, thus ruining the night for everyone as she and Robert (the good boyfriend that he is) leave the room conspicuously, as she’s clearly unhappy with the conversation.

I don’t know what to do. I’m an incredibly patient person, and I consider myself very easy to get along with. And we certainly don’t want to lose Robert as a friend. Also, it doesn’t look like Laura is going anywhere any time soon. I’ve even spoken to her personally, as this issue is obvious to everyone, to try and settle the situation. no luck. HELP?

So I let a friend read my 3 week old profile on Match and she may have said it’s too lengthy..I defended my mass character usage on not wanting guys to feel like there were too many surprises..I don’t know what is too little or too much and everything else in between. Welcome your thoughts on the entire thing. Thanks.

How do you keep the spark going in your long term relationships? Married couples especially, what do you do to ensure that your partner feels appreciated and sexy? Flowers every week? Little love notes or presents?
What do you wish your partner would do to make you feel special?

I have a few people in my life who are passive-aggressive. This is something that doesn’t sit well with me. They will post stuff on facebook about you(but, of course, not call you out), or they will say something to you, but not REALLY say it to you. Or, they get upset and then just never say anything until I finally bring it up. I can’t stand it anymore! I know I could say something about it, but they are passive-aggressive, so I don’t know how well that would work out? What would you all do?

There is no particular situation, per se, but currently I am living with two people in my academic program (for another three weeks), and at certain moments, things can get a little… tense. There are three of us: I share a room with the other girl, and there is a guy who has his own room.

Here’s where it gets a bit tricky: the guy has never lived on his own before, and is four years younger than I am (my roommate is two years older). It’s not a big difference in age, but there’s a gap in maturity that no amount of wine can hide. Believe me—we’re in France, I’ve tried.

We try to go easy on him, but he makes no effort to keep things clean, other than putting things in the sink—and even then we have to remind him; he leaves the toilet seat up; he doesn’t seem to know what to do for dinner unless we tell him what’s going on (we take turns cooking, although he doesn’t really know how to cook). He’s very high energy, and my roomie and I are definitely not. We’re content to sit in silence while we work, or take a walk around somewhere without talking, but he’s always talking about anything and everything. He’s also very anxious and always needs to know what’s going on, asking questions left and right.

So, do you guys have any tips on how to handle this? We’ve talked to him about housekeeping and cooking, but there are some times I get so frustrated I have to physically remove myself from the room so I don’t snap at him, or I’ll just go down the street to sit in a café for a while, but I don’t necessarily think that’s fair. And it’s really annoying to have to answer all these questions that are basic knowledge or at least answerable online. Maybe we’re just spending way too much time together with classes on top of living together? I just feel like he’s expecting our other roommate and me to mother him, which is not going to happen.

Any tips on how to handle this situation so the next three weeks are spent in beautiful Parisian cohabitational bliss? Or any advice in general for how to live with multiple people at the same time?

How do I ask my boyfriend to lose a little weight and start working out? When I first met him about 5 years ago (we’ve been dating for 3), he was in much better shape. I was incredibly physically attracted to him. In the last few years however, he has continued to gain weight and I’m afraid I’m starting to feel less attracted to him. I feel awful about this and very superficial…how do I bring it up without hurting his feelings?