I’m a geek. Gaming. Tech. Comics. Book worm. Speculative fiction. Introvert. From the first time I played the neighbour kid’s Atari or taking apart our brand new Apple IIE. I was just born that way.
I’m incredibly proud of my geek status. However, geekdom is only one part of me. I’m also an artist, world traveler, adventurer, people watcher, history/sociology/psychology junkie, athlete, baker, raging liberal, dancer, Buddhist, theater fan, and film enthusiast (worked in the industry for 10 years).
Most importantly, I’m a woman. I have a female brain that studies in neuroscience since the mid 90’s has proven that’s it’s scientifically impossible to think like a man. I love kittens, flowers, rainbows, crafts and cooking. I want romance, emotional support, a safe place to show vulnerabilities and talk about feelings.
I don’t have the time, money or desire for high fashion. I work with geeks, so during the day it’s nice jeans, a fitted nerdy tee and minimalist make-up. When I go out though I do dress up with subtle make-up. I get my eyebrows waxed, mani-pedis, and shop at boutiques; so it’s not like I’m frumpy in any way.
Relationships always starts the same. Excited to find a kindred spirit (smart and geeky). When I do get a chance to talk about my other interests, they appear to be interested. They say they want to try the activities I’m interested in. They say they are attracted to my enthusiasm for experiencing new things. However after a month or 2, that all changes. If I talk about something non-geeky, their eyes glaze over. If I ask to do something other than gaming, some other geek activity, or yet another dinner and a movie, at best I get “yeah sometime,” and it never happens. Worst case is nasty and manipulative comments about how I shouldn’t want it or even that I don’t deserve it. What about non-geeks? Just reverse it with an added bonus of anger at my gaming time.
I don’t expect people to read my mind, so I clearly ask for things calmly. I’m upfront and honest about what I’m looking for. But it all just seems to be ignored.
I’ve tried online dating profiles that have only a single line that I work in tech, and still the only non-canned responses I get are from people only wanting to talk about tech. To the point of ignoring other topics.
If this was an isolated event that would be different. I am constantly left with this overwhelming feeling that they fall for some idea of me instead of the person. That because I’m a geek, intelligent, and confident that I should be no maintenance (actually has been said a few times). That being a gamer I should just be complacent when they want to game all night every night. That being a geek should nullify being a girl.
Is there anything I can do differently to get them to see me as something other than this archetype that still keeps me true to myself? Other than “stop dating assholes.” Which is the only thing my friends can come up with.