“I’m not lazy, I’m insecure”

I’m a college senior with an English major and a music minor. I’ve finished 75 of the required credits, I have 49 credits left to graduate, that means I’m taking 18 credits in the Fall of 2017, I’ll have to take 18 credits in the Spring of 2018, and at least 13 in my last semester to graduate in the Fall of 2018.

I also was born with Spastic Hemiplegic CP, and I suffer from dyscalculia as a result. I tried to go to the Disabilities specialist for my school with documentation of my disability to see if I could get out of the math core, but they wouldn’t budge, so I have to take College Applications Math (Finite Math) to graduate, even though it’s likely that I’ll never use it again afterwards in my life. I tried to take the three credit Finite Math class, and even got tutoring. But my grade wasn’t getting above an F in the class, even with all that help, so I dropped it. Now, I’m going to be taking the four credit Finite Math class, which is slower and covers some remedial topics. But I’m still not sure I’m going to be able to do it, even with the best tutoring.I went through a lazy bad grade phase from the end of my Freshman year to my Junior year because I couldn’t do the major that I initially wanted, so now my cumulative gpa is only 2.325. I’ve been wanting to change ever since the end of my freshman year, I got a little bit better by my spring junior semester, but I still got an “I” incomplete that’s going to in a Nature Writing Class that’s going to turn into an F because I couldn’t find the inspiration or substantial research to write it.

My mom says that I’m just lazy, but it’s more than just that. It’s not that I don’t love English even because I do. In fact, I generally excel at it, but for whatever reason this Nature writing class just didn’t click with me from the very beginning. I tried to get out of it from the third day, but I just couldn’t find another English class that was open at that point, and I felt like I needed to have the three extra credits to have the full thirteen that I needed to be considered applicable for campus housing/a dorm room.

I think the real issue is that some part of me deep down is still insecure, and afraid of the future, so I’m self-sabotaging myself by being lazy and putting off school work, even when I know that I need to do it and get my shit together. I want to stop it, but I just can’t seem to help myself so much of the time. I really don’t know what I want out of life, and I’m scared to face reality because that means all my flaws come into focus, and I see that I don’t know what I want to do for a career in the future, or whether I’ll even be good enough to be successful in what I want to do anyway. Some part of me deep down is afraid to grow up and be an adult, even though I’m 22 years old.

Deep down, some part of me wishes that I could just be a carefree little girl again because that would mean that I wouldn’t have to face the reality of my own personal insecurities and the fear of being rejected or too inadequate for my greatest dreams in life. I wouldn’t have to think about the uncertainties of my future, and the fear that I could end up living with my parents without a career in my thirties because I wasn’t smart enough, strong enough, or brave enough to accomplish my goals for independent living. So what I often do instead is unhealthy. I procrastinate, stall, immerse myself in fantasy, and avoid reality by being lazy. However, I have to snap out of it this time. I can’t keep putting off shit that needs to be done anymore. This means that I have to do really well in these next three semesters, but I’m at my wits end.

Do you think I can make it through in that time? Do you think I can make it through it at all? Do you have any study/motivational tips to help me fight my natural inclination to be lazy? I always seem to tell myself that I’ll change, then keep falling back on bad habits that make me hate myself. Should I just drop the minor, and finish up my required English major credits and core credits? It could be that my mom said that a music minor might help get into grad school. I really want a college degree, but I also just want to get it done with in three semesters with good results.

It could be that a liberal arts school just isn’t right for me because they are forcing me to take all these courses that I’ll never need to be an English teacher, copyist, author, or whatever kind of writing profession I end up using my English degree to go into, like math, science, fitness, etc, and I’m getting overwhelmed. It could be that I need to see a therapist because I’m depressed. Maybe, I should transfer to a state school, like my little brother, who’s been doing so much better, and not had to deal with taking nearly as many credits. But it’s like I’ve been in this annoying Fi-Ni or Se-Te loop for a while, and I’m just not getting over it, no matter how much I wish I could.

2 thoughts on ““I’m not lazy, I’m insecure”

  1. Anonymous says:

    Look, there is literally no college anywhere that’s going to let you go without a passing math course. Maybe take a year off, move out on your own and work on your own, then return to college. I guarantee then you will feel motivated when you see that you have to work three jobs to pay rent. Your parents will die someday. It might be tomorrow from a traffic accident. What are you going to do then? How will you support yourself when there’s no one to support you?

  2. Anonymous says:

    You need math and science to write. I’m a editor. Been doing it ten years. You have to prove you know what the (insert expletive) you are going on about no matter what you write. You NEED math and science for that unless you want to be like these goofballs who write Amazon romances and never make a profit. My sister in law keeps wondering why no one reads her books when they are utter malarkey. Never finished college. Lives with her parents at 33 and works one job in the service industry. I’ve told her strait up she can’t move in with us when they die. No publisher is going to read your books and choose you if you don’t know what you are talking about. Look kid, I won’t say adult until you pull up your big girl panties and act like one, you are lazy and using actual disabilities as a excuse. I’m dyslexic but that’s not going to stop me from reading and writing. I have one foot but it doesn’t stop me from running, dancing and so on with my prostetic. Rise above your situation. Reassure your parents you can make it on your own after they die, because as a writer, you’ve chosen a profession a TON of people want to do and can’t make it happen because they can’t hussel. To hussel you’ve got to know things and you make excuses on why you can’t instead of can. “Whether you believe you can or can not, you are correct.” I hope I have made you angry enough to prove me wrong in thinking you won’t do it from laziness. I double dare you, kid, to prove me wrong.

What do you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s