I have had a ‘Friend with Benefits’ for about 5-6 months. We became friends at work. Since we are coworkers and know our associates gossip like its their mission on earth,  we have decided to keep our personal business very hush-hush.

He’s the first guy I’ve ever been with and…. as cliches would have it, against my own better judgement, I developed some serious feelings for him. In my defense, though, I’m pretty positive he’s caught some feelings as well… at least…. for a while, it seemed like it.

The problem is, that when he was acting like he wanted more than sex and being extra attentive and intimate,and we were starting to interact more like a couple I got overwhelmed and pushed him away out of fear and because I believed that we were not compatible for an actual relationship.He was my friend sure, but he’s “out of my league” physically. He couldn’t POSSIBLY want more than sex from me. He got the hint and backed off and toned it down and ghosted on me for like, a week and since then we truly were just FWB….. and months later, looking back, I’m realizing I may have been wrong.

And now that I’ve realized how badly I’ve caught feelings for him,  I’m hearing whispers at work from co-workers (who don’t know I’ve been sleeping with him) about how he’s suddenly trying to hook up with this person, or spending an unusual amount of time talking to that person. Im too hurt to confront him about it and I feel like I have no right to say anything anyway, because we never were an actual couple.

I’ve been dodging him at work and giving only short answers to texts for 3 weeks now and basically trying to “ghost” on a coworker I still see every damn day to avoid another empty hook up, because each time I’ve asked him to come over since I pushed him away,  he has been a little less affectionate, and a little less intimate, and my heart breaks just a little bit more. And now, on top of that, I’m wondering who else he’s hooking up with and I can’t take it anymore.

He still checks in once a day just to either say good morning or ask how I’m doing, but we both have been just letting the conversations die basically, with a lot of small talk. Now that I’m about to take a vacation and leave the state, he’s suddenly super intent on hooking up again before I go. (I’m really not going to be gone that long, I don’t understand the sudden urgency) and as much as I swore up and down to myself that I wouldn’t hook up with him again because I’m just going to get hurt… here I am…. texting him, asking when and where.

As much as I told myself I’d come clean and tell him how I feel, I just can’t seem to bring myself to do that either.