“I’m 25 years old and I’ve never had sex”

I want to but I’m so socially awkward that I push away anyone who’s interested. The only guys I’ve ever kissed were those who surprised me. I’m mad at myself that I didn’t let it get further with the first guy when I was 16. I was drunk, he was experienced and I had a big crush on him.

Now, nine years later, I’m still a virgin. I want to have sex and for the first time in my life and I’m trying to seriously date someone (I met online). He’s nice but there is absolutely no attraction. There are guys I am attracted to (I feel like there are more of them ever since I started dating) but none of them would notice me, and if they did their confidence would probably make me run the other way. I don’t know if I would feel more comfortable around men if I had sex.

Am I shallow for wanting to have sex with someone I actually find attractive instead of a guy I feel comfortable taking to but have no desire to even kiss? I feel like the longer I wait the less likely it is that I will ever have sex with anyone. I wish I could just get drunk and lose my virginity that way but I have never been drunk enough to actually go through with it.

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3 thoughts on ““I’m 25 years old and I’ve never had sex”

  1. Anonymous says:

    First off being a virgin is no big deal. I know that pop culture makes it seem like one big end all thing, but it’s not. People lose their virginity at different stages of their life and there’s no shame to it at all. You won’t be great at it to begin with either. It’s a learned process where you need to learn what YOU like. Don’t expect the first time to be roses and wonderment. For women it can be painful even. Use lube.

    Second, no you are not shallow, but prudent to not kiss or date someone you aren’t attracted to. Start asking the ones you are attracted to out. All they can say is no and it’s not going to be the end of the world. Yes, rejection hurts, but the more you do it the more you understand that people who say no aren’t worth your time anyways.

    Third, DO NOT GET DRUNK AND LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY! You could end up dead that way! Have sex on your time, when you are comfortable. Only you will know when it’s best to do that.

  2. Also A Virgin says:

    I am 26 (F) and also a virgin. I understand what you mean. Initially it is a pretty respected/ revered thing but after 25 or 30 western society often see it as plain weird. It is easy to feel like something is wrong with you. However, the truth is you only regret / desire certain things due to the insecurity you are currently feeling about still being a virgin. Also, it is natural (even without any insecurities) to start to desire sex just based on biological urges at this age. The two combined can really warp your thinking. Don’t be fooled by it.

    Having sex will not make you any more comfortable around men. Just look at all the women who have lost their virginity as teenagers yet still struggle with this. Don’t worry about approaching men or them approaching you. The situation will develop naturally with the right guy and he WILL notice you. Anything else will probably land you in a situation that you will regret and you will wish you were still a virgin. The thing is, you have to understand that you are at this stage in your life for a reason. You are meant to be a virgin right now (for reasons only the future can reveal). Being a virgin is rare, especially when it’s not like you were deliberately saving it for anyone. No matter what society says, there definitely is something distinct and unique about you. Do not rush into anything and you should NEVER regret not having drunken sex with that guy (honestly…NEVER).

    Your first time should be with a person who really cares about you (and you about them), where a spiritual connection can enhance the experience. I’m not saying to expect the perfect deflowering or anything lol. However, I am saying that having a deeper more genuine connection with the guy will create a better foundation for the experience. If you are not attracted to the guy you are currently with please do not lead him on or stay in an unfulfilling situation. You might end up being sexual with him and it will feel empty and regrettable due to no attraction. So let him no in a very considerate way. In the meantime, embrace being unique and know that there are still decent people who respect virgins. Find a hobby or something you are good at to build more self-confidence and work on yourself in every way. When the right guy finally comes around you will be more of who you were meant to be and ready for the experience.

  3. R says:

    A year ago I WAS you. I felt exactly like you are feeling right now. I had an absolutely crushing amount of insecurity and only ever had attraction towards unobtainable men. If they became obtainable Id get scared and run away.

    But I agree with the previous two commenters, dont settle for someone you arent attracted to just to overcome this perceived hurdle. Youre not shallow. And settling for someone youre not super into will guarantee that your first experience will not be a pleasant one.

    I ended up mustering up all the courage I could find in myself and (very VERY awkwardly) asked a guyfriend I was attracted to to be my first. The fact that we were already friends and had talked about my hang ups several times eliminated a lot of pressure/ fear of judgement I had. He was very patient with me, bless him, and were still good friends.

    I still ended up not really being ready and getting fairly drunk to alleviate my mountain of anxiety. (I had a panic attack) It ended up fine for me because I knew and trusted the person with me and he was INCREDIBLY understanding but I really wouldnt recommend getting wasted drunk.

    But having sex….. oddly enough, did actually help me overcome large amount of my insecurity. Because I realized it really REALLY isnt the big deal that everyone around me made it out to be. Truly. Not a big deal, at all. I know that the older you get without having it the more huge and mysterious it seems. But its not. I still get extremely anxious around men Im attracted to but it doesnt socially cripple me like it did before.

    I think the important thing is not just waiting until you are ready but waiting for someone to come along that you can trust. Attraction is important but comfort is more important. If youre not comfortable, If youre all tense and wound up and 3000 leagues deep in your own head, if the person you choose is untrustworthy or unkind….. regret is way way more likely. The wait is worth it. Wait for yourself to be calm, wait for the right person to come around.

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