So, in the nicest way possible, I think I’m dating a loser. I guess I’m the quintessential girl that always dates guys that need fixing, but it’s never intentional. The last guy I dated had suffered emotional / physical abuse and it was complicated, but very passionate and I loved him very much. I kind of walked into a mess on this one. My current bf was still living with his ex’s family when we met, but they had already broken up and he was moving out and back in with his parents before we even got close enough to consider dating, but I didn’t know all this until later.
We were set up, and had two months of mixed signals and odd communication before finally getting together. He was struggling in school and didn’t have many friends because his ex was controlling and also pretty mentally and financially abusive, so he transferred to my university to get back on track with his life. I go to the university he was originally going to go to before his ex convinced him to go to her college , so it felt like he was going full circle. He was passionate and excited and I thought he would adjust quickly and be fine. We were hot and heavy and in love and were a really cute couple, and I felt that it could just go up from there. So I thought. He failed 2 classes his first semester, has not made any new friends and stopped hanging out with his best friend, he has not moved out of his parents house because his job does not pay enough for school and rent, but every time he says that he will get a new job he plays video games instead of applying. He uses my apartment as a halfway home and usually leaves it much messier than when he arrived, and I’m lucky if he doesn’t break anything while he’s over. He eats all my food and takes his temper out on my cat, and no matter how much sleep he gets, he can never wake up in the morning and makes both of us late. We only ever hang out to do homework anymore or to go to the occasional lunch or dinner. We haven’t gone on a date in who-knows how long. The passion is gone, I can’t even remember the last time he came on to me, and we are always incredibly stressed, so even when the time is right, neither of us are in the mood. He’s behind on everything, his own room is a mess, he barely got his taxes in, the only thing nice things he does for me are if I complain that he hasn’t done anything nice for me in a while.
I know that is a lot of negative. Despite all this, he is a really nice guy and means really well. He had been there for me through several medical and professional disasters, and when I need him most, he comes through. It’s just the day to day makes it feel like we are roommates, not lovers. But here is the thing. He just got diagnosed with minor anxiety and low self-esteem, even possible depression, from the last relationship and has identified the root of a lot of his problems. The problem is I feel like it is too little too late.
I feel like when I try and tell him what I want, he just tells me what I want to hear but doesn’t actually do anything different, and I don’t like feeling that the only nice things he does for me is because I told him that they were things that I wish he had done or that I feel like he stopped caring. It’s like he’s not thinking about anything at all, just giving me what I tell him, there’s no thought or action behind anything. He even didn’t celebrate my birthday for several weeks. I’m just at my wit’s end, cuz I love him but I don’t know how much longer I can hang in there. He just found out about his mental illness, so I feel bad about leaving at such a rough time, and he has been there for me for so many rough times, but he feels more like a best friend than a boyfriend and has for a long time.
Is there any way to go back and fix this and start over, or should I just go and hope that he gets better and grows up a bit? And if he does get better and grows up into the man that I know he can be, will it then be too late for us to come back together again in the future? How do I either fix or forget my stuck in the mud boyfriend?