I am 46 and married with one son, who is 8. My wife and I started dating back in 1989. We have been together without separation since 1989, after 16 years of dating and about 10 years of engagement. We married in 2005. My son was born in 2008. We live a good life, not perfect but pretty comfortable.
My wife is a 10 out 10 as a mother. Very caring and responsible with our son and we raise him together and have a strong family bond. We eat dinner together every night and we spend time together as a family in the most healthy way any good American family does. My only pain is my marriage. I have said to my wife on more then one occasion that I do not have a wife, I have a room mate. My marriage I would rate a 1 out of 10. I know my wife loves me. I believe she just forgot to how to show it. She gives no thought about our relationship.
Just in the past year, the thoughtlessness examples are: My birthday, after a 4 day “man-cation” I go on every year for the past 26 years, I took my son with me. This trip is the same time of the year, every year and I finally took my son with me. When I return it is always on or around my birthday. She had 4 days to think about our return. We get home about 10pm and she is already in bed and I have a pack of 4 mini cupcakes on the table. My son loved them.
For Christmas, I bought myself my Christmas gifts and she gave me her credit card to pay for it. Lots of thought went into that.
For Sweetest Day, nothing. She says it is a Hallmark Holiday.
On on Anniversary, sent her a nice bouquet and vase with a touching poem I wrote. She forgot our anniversary… again no thought.. and Valentines Day, I bought a nice bouquet of flowers, a romantic card and I made a nice steak dinner on the barbecue for the family when they got home. Understand it’s winter here in Ohio.. She came out to the patio and game me a Kit-Kat, she did not want to give it to me in front of our son who might want a piece of it. The Kit-Kat was all broken up in the package.. wow, don’t go out of your way dear… not so much as card either. And at the end of Valentines day, I am in the basement working on fixing a toy of my son’s and I realize it is past 9:30pm ..past the time my son should be in bed. I go upstairs and everyone is in bed. Not so much as a good night. 😦
In past 2 years my wife and I have been intimate one time… last spring. She has never had an intimate desire the whole time I have known her and while we were dating intimacy was no issue until our son was born. Since then there is no desire in her eyes at all. I always tell her she could be the perfect nun… I am beginning to think my marriage is over, or really it was over 8 years ago, and I just have not made the move to start over. You can sit down and have a talk to “try” to change the way you think, but you can’t talk your way to telling someone they need to feel more intimate inside. I am lost and lonely.
3 thoughts on ““My marriage I would rate a 1 out of 10””
Sounds like you have already given up. If you want to give a last try go to couples counseling and if she won’t go, go alone. It will help you in the divorce.
It sounds hopeless. You can go for counselling, but that’s a lot of neglect and it’s difficult to change. You sound like you’re trying and doing thoughtful things. Maybe you’re not appreciating your wife in ways that make her feel special and that contributes to her thoughtlessness. But I’m guessing counselling will bring you back to the decision you’ve probably already made for yourself. You need to move on and find a partner, not a roommate.
I kept thinking about this post. Have you ever read the book The Five Languages of Love? I think you should check it out. I think you two are speaking two different love languages and are both feeling unappreciated and neglected.
There are five kinds of ways people express their love. You need all five but tend to need one or two in particular. For example: my expression tends to be gifts. I spend a lot of time thinking and planning them for people I love. However its not what I need to feel loved. I need praise. I don’t want gifts, because the ones from my father and grandparents came with guilt strings attached. My husbands main expression and need is actually the same thing: doing things. Like chores and things the other person doesn’t want.
I think the counseling is a good idea too. I think your wife might actually be expressing that she loves you by taking care of your home and son, but you need gifts or attention to feel loved. That’s ok! But you both need to see and appreciate what the other is doing and meet in the middle to make sure you both are feeling appreciated. So she understands you need to have a special night planned to have that love tank filled up. She might need you to do something different as well. Best of luck to you both.