“I’m depressed with my home situation”

I am 30 and I have been with my girlfriend who’s 26, for 7 years and we are engaged. We have a 4 year old chocolate labrador and live with my girlfriend’s brother and their mum in her house.

It is very stressful living here, my girlfriend’s mum is very opinionated and suffers from mental instability. She is on antidepressants and is very hot and cold with her emotions. My girlfriend is studying animal conservation at University and her brother works part time at a farm. Their mum works at a school full time. I work full time as a security manager. I know this is all over the place but it’s hard to think what I want to say so thanks for bearing with me.

There are constant arguments over all sorts of things. I argue with my girlfriend’s mum, which I hate, as I’m living under her roof so it feels majorly awkward. My girlfriend’s brother hardly works any hours so gets hardly any money which makes matters worse as he doesn’t pay his way at all. My girlfriend’s mum wants my girlfriend and I to pay for his share of bills,  but I think it’s unfair as he makes no effort to get a full time job. He’s very picky about where he will work. We can’t move out because I am in some debt and can’t afford to rent a house big enough for the 2 of us and our dog.  My girlfriend only gets student loan money which is soon to stop as she graduates this year so she can’t pay towards it.

I get massively depressed and sometimes feel like I need to leave the situation, break off the engagement and get out, but I can’t. We have been together through a lot and I love my girlfriend too much to quit on her. I worry that she will never find a job and will just end up working a crap job and we won’t be able to afford to move out. We want to start our life together and have a family but it really feels like it will never happen. What shall I do?

4 thoughts on ““I’m depressed with my home situation”

  1. ahndromeda says:

    I have no answers for you, but I hope you hang on, you’ve gone through a lot together and you’ve come so far as of yet. The only thing you can do is your best which you are, and I hope you can get through this. 💗

  2. Anonymous says:

    I heard a variation of this story so many times playing wow and here’s the advice I gave that helped them: if mom dies tomorrow what will you all do? You may need to have a family meeting to ask this question, but it will make the others in the family think.

    After that you and your girlfriend should make a deadline date with a real view of finances to move out. Your mother in law to be has had three adults on her shoulders long enough. I know it’s hard and you two may have to live in a tiny place without luxuries like TV for a while and both work multiple jobs, but it needs to be done.

    As for the brother, it’s on his mother to stop enabling him.

  3. steven says:

    I can see why this situation would be stressful and the great thing is that you have reached out to others for some support or advice. I think sometimes it just helps to get out how you feel.

    Its a tricky situation I think you are right in that you shouldn’t have to pay for your soon to be brother in laws own bills. He should support himself, I guess the mum may feel like because your working and living under her roof she can ask for these things. Have you spoke to your partner about this or the brother? I do think that the brother needs to support himself and maybe having a conversation with your partner and the mum could help if you spoke civilly.

    It sounds as if its not the ideal situation for your girlfriends mum either so it could work out well if you could sit down and work out your debts and have an action plan of them being cleared and a move out date. Can you girlfriend work part time as well as yourself? To work towards moving out. Perhaps if you can work out a realistic goal of what you can achieve in a time frame could ease the tension.

    Without sounding harsh to the dog but would it not be better for you both if you could find a space for just the two of you? I know people don’t want to give up their pets but it sounds as if you don’t really have much space and that you would both benefit from your own space.

    Never worry about something that has not yet happened, sure she could end up not finding a job but there again its highly unlikely she will not find any work. Also if you are encouraging each other and knowing you will get through it you will be fine. You are not stuck to this circumstance forever if you take the steps to move forward.

    How is your current diet? sleeping? and exercise routine? this may sound a little personal but if your not looking after yourself in these ways everything will seem more doom and gloom. Working out will really help to give you some mind space and help you to feel better.

    You will only end up working a crap job if you let yourself, if you take the steps to improve what is needed to get a better job and remain positive you will make these changes. Remember its how we react to the journey that defines our destination.

    Hope this helps 🙂

  4. Dave C. says:

    ” We can’t move out because I am in some debt and can’t afford to rent a house big enough for the 2 of us and our dog. My girlfriend only gets student loan money which is soon to stop as she graduates this year so she can’t pay towards it.”

    OK, you are focusing on a lot of little problems and failing to see the big picture. You have ZERO sense of situational awareness, in other words.

    Back to basics. You need to be able to take care of yourself before you can accept responsibility for someone else, like a WIFE, or even a DOG. So forget the fiance’, and forget the dog for a moment. Think of yourself, JUST YOU.

    With your full-time job, could you afford a place of your own? ANY place, even a small, run-down studio apartment? For just YOU, with no dog living with you and no fiance living there…

    Yeah, I can hear you screaming “I can’t get rid of my dog!!!”. But what I’m asking has nothing to do with the dog. The dog is a red herring. Forget about the dog. Can you support yourself, living ALONE, in your own apartment? Can you do that?

    If the answer is “NO”, then you are
    1) Not ready to adopt a dog
    2) Not ready to be married
    3) Not ready to be engaged
    4) Bluntly speaking, not even ready for a serious romantic relationship

    You can’t have a serious relationship living with “mom” or somebody else’s mom. There is a 100% chance that relationship will fail., due to interference from the mom, who thinks your marriage should be exactly what SHE wants it to be…

    You think you don’t want to give up on your girlfriend, because you too have a long history together. OK, bluntly speaking…is it going to hurt more for the relationship to fail now, or shortly after you are married? Because there is ZERO percent chance that this relationship will work, in the long run. If you’re too nervous to end it now…how are you going to muster up the courage to call a divorce lawyer?

    Time to hit the reset button on this particular living arrangement. Move out on your own. By yourself. Take the dog with you, if you can. If not, find someone else to adopt the dog. But leave the girl behind, as that relationship is doomed.

    Fix yourself first. Worry about finding girlfriend or wife later.

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