“I am stuck in a massive rut”

So, long story short. I am stuck in a massive rut, this past year has been horrible for me, I found out earlier in the year that I can’t have children. At the time I was 3 years into a relationship with my fiancee , I knew that she desperately wanted children more than anything and that me not being able to have them would crush her, and so I decided not to tell her.

A few months later we had an argument and broke up, I knew it was the right thing to do for her but it destroyed me to let her go. This began several months of destructive behaviour. I went back to recreational drug use and began putting less and less effort into everything, work and personal life.

I am now staring down the path of my life and know that something needs to change but mentally I am not even strong enough to talk to the people who care about me about these things, how on earth do I tackle what is becoming some serious depression before it gets too late?

6 thoughts on ““I am stuck in a massive rut”

  1. Anonymous says:

    Your know there’s a problem. That’s good!
    Do you have a parent or close friend to talk to about it?
    Maybe it’s hard but try talking about it and asking for help! You’re not worth any less because you can’t have kids! It’s a grieving process though, so if you need it try and talk, and try and accept it and go on! Do things you like! Make some goals for yourself to work to!

  2. CHRISTINA says:

    I think you need to be patient, and focus more on yourself, meaning positive things. I recently ended my 2nd 5 year relationship, and yeah, it sucks, but when I look back at the first long one, I have no lingering feelings. Eventually it all fades and you find someone else. You WILL find someone else, just focus on yourself for now. Stop the drugs, that’s just going to depress you more. Go to the gym, as much as I hate the gym, the endorphins really help, it’s brain chemistry, they perk you up. Pick up a hobby or sport, take a class. Try to hang out with your friends more. I did this stupid trick that I read in a book (yeah, I was struggling too), that actually helped. I put a rubber band on my wrist and every time I thought about him I snapped it. The negative feeling will discourage you from thinking about her. Even if you’re thinking fondly, it’s best not to think about her at all for now. Do anything you can to focus on something else. Focus on your work, work late if you can. You can also look for a rebound if you think it will help. It’s been helpful for my guy friends, not so much for my girl friends.

    As for the kids thing, I plan on having kids, I’m 28, and if my boyfriend had told me that, on a scale of 1-10 I would care 0. So what. In no way does that mean you can’t have kids. I would probably go the sperm donor route, I guess it could be a blow to your ego, having kids that aren’t genetically yours, but if I found out that I couldn’t, I would adopt, who cares. If there were something wrong with my eggs, I wouldn’t mind having donor eggs, or even a surrogate. Don’t get me wrong that stuff isn’t cheap, but most insurance covers a good chunk if you have evidence you have a medical condition. I asked a friend out of curiosity and she said about the same thing, that she would be upset if she couldn’t get pregnant and carry her own child, but as for using a sperm donor with an infertile boyfriend, she was all for it. Jokeingly (I assume) she said that would be awesome, it’s like picking the father out of a catalog with the traits you like lol. Hopefully you push through this ok, and a year from now you look back and think, bah, everything’s good now, I can’t believe I was hit so hard. And please don’t be discouraged by your condition, and don’t let it be a hamper to a good relationship. I would bring it up early on as opposed to too late, but I assume most women will work with you in the “kids” dept, as opposed to just ending it. I would be more than happy to go the adoption route to stay with a loved one.

    • The EcoFeminist says:

      Until you’ve been through it you have no idea what you would actually do. And it’s not true that most insurance covers it. Most actually does not no matter what your diagnosis is. IVF costs an average of $12k + meds (most of which aren’t covered) and DEIVF costs $17K+, and surrogacy can be up to $100k. Domestic adoption costs $30-40k and international adoption $20-40k.

      Please do not oversimplify infertility nor tell someone not to be discouraged. It’s one of the worst experiences that I and so many others (1 in 8 couples) have ever been through and completely changes you.

    • 3laney says:

      Amazing advice. Spot on. I am currently using the rubber band trick myself, and I was surprised that it has actually reduced my thoughts of the person.

  3. Anonymous says:

    As a daughter of two parents to suffered addiction, i say find the root of the issue and fix it. Sometimes after blaming one thing as the root of our problems turns out to be another than another. Every person deals with life struggles differently; drugs, alcohol, sex, shopping, gambeling, porn,etc. I urge you to find a healthy outlet and deal with the inner root problem. If it is your relationship, it might be the truth is eating you up. Be honest now, and it might just make you feel better.

  4. The EcoFeminist says:

    Get to your local RESOLVE meeting, which is full of folks who, like me, are infertile. This is where you find people who truly get it. Don’t bother looking for empathy with those who’ve never dealt with this, I promise there’s a huge community here in Blogland and on forums (Fertile thoughts is a good one) and at RESOLVE meetings that cut through the crap.

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