So I have this friend who I went to school with, and now we’re at University together. We do different subjects and live separately so I don’t see her all that often at the moment – we’re both adjusting to the new lifestyle and such.
As background, the way that we got to know each other at school was partly through school plays. She would often be cast as a leading part and I really love drama but don’t tend to get big parts. Since we’ve arrived at University, though, that difference has grown so that now she’s been in two plays already in our first term and has another two and a student film lined up for after the Christmas holidays, and I have auditioned for a series of things, none of which I’ve got. Cry.Anyway, the other night I went to see her in a play. It was a really moving piece about a sensitive topic and I cried a bit during the performance. But afterwards when she came out I started sobbing. Partly (and this was what I told her) it was because I found the play very upsetting and moving, but what worries me – and what I need advice about – is that I think I was partly crying afterwards from jealousy.
Let me put this in perspective. I’ve not adjusted particularly well to University life and I think seeing her do so well has made me feel even more that I’m not ‘doing uni right’ somehow, or I should be doing a lot more than I am. I feel really bad because obviously if she’s more talented than me that’s just a fact of life and I should move on and accept it, and the fact that I couldn’t just be happy for her success makes me feel really upset and mad at myself. But part of me feels a little bit like our ways have diverged partly through chance, and I don’t know what to do in order to get my own path going in the direction I want it to.
Oh, and it also doesn’t help that my friend is superbly beautiful and is one of those people who others will run around doing things for, while I could by no standard be called pretty and find it a lot harder to get people to listen to/like me. This has made me feel insecure about our friendship for a while, and adds to the upset that I feel about her success on the stage here at uni.
Anyway, I think I just need to know if my feelings about this friend are completely wrong, and what I can do to be a better friend to her. I don’t want to feel as crap as I do any more, but I don’t know how to start changing my attitude towards myself and her, or whether it’s too late. I would also like to stress that she’s a really great friend and although she doesn’t really understand how I feel about things like this, is supportive in most other areas of my life.
Anyway thanks for reading – sorry it was crazily long!
2 thoughts on ““I’m upset with myself for being jealous of a friend””
This sounds like a toxic relationship, and maybe not because your friend is a toxic person, but your dynamic isn’t working for you at the moment.
Your jealousy of her, has a lot to do with you, and less to do with what she is or isn’t doing in her life. Her looks, her achievements, her hobbies, etc, have nothing to do with you. Your lives are separate, and because you are separate people, they could never possibly be compared. Place your focus on your own goals, instead of watching her life from the corner of your eye. Focus on loving yourself, and discovering your own self. University can be a difficult time, but it can also be a great time to get to know yourself. Become comfortable with being alone. This is something I wish I had learned a long time ago, but I am happy I finally did. Take yourself to the movies, alone. Go to dinner with a book, NOT your phone. Sign up for activities that you have always wondered about. Get yourself a healthy routine. ENJOY your own company. It will be then that you will realize that you don’t need to stack up to anyone else, because you are happy with your own life, because you live on your own terms.
You also have no idea what silent wars she is waging. I can promise you that regardless of how pretty she is, or how many plays she stars in, her life is not perfect. Every single person in this world has problems.
Oh my goodness, sweetheart! I wish I could give you a hug. You want to be seen for your inner talents and beauty, and the things that people overlook. It’s natural to grieve rejection. Honey, avoid the plays that she is in for a while. Life is so cruel sometimes, but don’t think you aren’t doing uni right because someone else is doing it differently. There will always be the popular swans who everyone admires, but there will also be the people who admire the beauty and stealth of a peregrine falcon. You don’t have to cut her out of your life, but some distance could be healthy. Be sure to get your blood pumping a bit each day, a brisk walk or run, open your heart to new friends and pat yourself on the back for your own unique talents, and don’t forget to be thankful and immerse yourself in your studies. Jealousy shows us what we want, but don’t let it consume you. If you really want to be on stage then keep taking the classes, and trying out. There is a part for everyone. ❤