Hello, I am seeking advice on a daughter-in-law problem. Ann is not really our daughter-in-law. She is a pregnant girlfriend who lives in a small rented house with my never-been-married, 35-year-old, no-ambition, lazy, but sweet stepson. She has a five-year-old darling daughter from a previous marriage.
My husband and I have a daughter together, 30, but she is in no hurry to have children. This child would be our — but technically his — first grandchild. He is almost 60 and is overjoyed about the pregnancy. We only learned about this and met her four months ago. She is presently 6 months along.
She seems nice on the surface, but I have only been around her three times, and only a couple of hours each time. My problem is this: during these four months, she has texted my husband about five times and sent photos of her daughter. The daughter is not his granddaughter and she has not texted or sent photos to me (not that I want her to).
My husband has been financially generous to them lately because of the pregnancy, and I think her chummy behavior toward my husband is about money that she might want to ask for in the future. When we heard that she was pregnant, I said, “Your Dad will spoil her.”
My stepson replied, “That’s what we’re counting on.”
His financially rich mother finally had enough of his bumming money. Now he and his girlfriend, I suspect, plan to milk his Dad.
Do you think that it is inappropriate for her to text him that much? I am uncomfortable with it, and I have expressed my feeling to my husband, but he doesn’t see it my way. Thank you in advance for any advice.
6 thoughts on ““My stepson and his pregnant girlfriend are counting on my husband to spoil them””
There are a few points I took from your message and excuse me if I’m not fully understanding but I have some follow up questions:
I don’t think it is an issue that she is texting your husband about the kids if he is (and clearly he is) excited about the new child coming on the scene. Yes, the older child isn’t blood relation but in a way will be when their sibling is born. I have a similar family dynamic in that my daughter isn’t blood-related to me but my parents still ask about her as much as my son. That said, if you feel uncomfortable, consider why you do. If you truly feel it is an issue, make sure that your husband understands that and hope he takes it into account
You say your 35-year-old stepson is lazy with no ambission but has a house he has for his family. Is he paying for that or are you and your husband? What is his job if he has one and if he does have one is there a reason you feel he is being lazy?
You have only met her a few brief times, has your husband spent more time with her / them? How much money has he given them so far and for what reason?
Maybe she’s not texting you, because you are obviously not cool with her or her daughter and the father is nicer. Seems like the father see’s it as “welcome to the family” and you are coming off as “who do you think you are stranger having not MY grandchild because this is my step son and I don’t really count him as family either.”
I think you are most uncomfortable with the money issue and should keep it at that. Right now the texting thing sounds petty more than anything, but it’s good that you recognize it’s a red flag for you. Mention it, check your husband’s reaction then drop it, because it could be harmless.
In the end you have every right to say “don’t give them money.” However he has every right to give his child and grandchildren help.
When I said, “Your Dad will spoil her”, I meant His new granddaughter. We learned it is a girl. I, in no way resent any thing about the birth. I am ready for a grandchild too, even if it is my step grandchild. I love my husbands happiness and I dearly love children. I have been as sweet to her and them as my husband has. My point is, we only met Ann four months ago and she texts my husband often. Never me but she knows my number. Four months ago my stepson became employed by my husbands construction company. Before that he was earning peanuts. The rent house they live in was Ann’s. Within those four months my stepson has bummed thousands of dollars from us. My husband is so torn because his son is so lazy and he wants to fire him so bad but is afraid that if he does he might not get to see his grandchild. I think that Ann, knows my stepson won’t give her what she wants and needs financially so she is excessively chumming up to my generous husband for future money. I will state again, we only met Ann four months ago and she (another woman whom I don’t know well) is texting my husband often!!! I’m disturbed by it, if you get my point. Would you be?
Melody – My thoughts on this are, you have every right to be disturbed. By the texts. But especially by the money spent.
Texts… Ummm, she’s not related to your husband. Essentially, your husband has a girlfriend right under your nose. Tell him to cut it off, or you will. (and not be so nice about it) Should she have contact with your husband? Sure. But it should be through your stepson. If she wants to bypass your stepson and communicate directly with your husband, then you should react the same way you would if any woman were flirting with your husband. If your HUSBAND does not see it in the same light, then he needs a smack upside the head with a clue-by-4.
The bigger issue here is money. No matter how much money you and your husband have, you mentioned spending THOUSANDS of dollars over a few months. Ummmm….I hope your husband discussed this matter with you AND GOT PERMISSION first. Minor things can be overlooked. Like if he bought the young girl a new pair of shoes for school…several months ago. With or without your OK, I would say…”GET OVER IT”. But thousands of dollars per month? That is an expense that needs to be AGREED UPON by both spouses, in advance. And if either spouse objects, the money is NOT spent. If One spouse chooses to spend that kind of money without the other spouses’ permission, it is definitely divorce time…
An easy way to get the girl to stop texting him is just to not respond to her texts and give generic statements if questioned, like “That was a cute picture. I was busy and forgot to respond.” Enough of those and she’ll knock that off. You could be right that she’s trying to get chummy, but it could just be a proud parent trying to be nice to a prospective new family.
As for the son… That’s harder. I wouldn’t give him any big amounts, but just normal things a grandparent gives like clothes and toys every so often. If they want more they can work for that.
I want to thank everyone who advised me on this matter. I especially liked Dave’s response. I texted Ann tonight and confronted her about the matter but in a diplomatic way. Of course she acted innocent but she got the message. I’m expecting crap from other parties involved but I have never been one to hide my true feelings. If a problem comes up it has to be solved and quickly. One has to let other people know their boundaries.
I seeked advice from this website because I doubted my true feelings and I wanted to ask the advice of others.
I am grateful for this website and I thank you all for helping me in my time of need. May God bless you.