“My friend gave me mixed messages, then said I broke the girl code”

Here’s some backstory so you can better understand my situation:
I used to be friends with a girl, we’ll call her D. So D was dating this boy, we’ll call him M. D wasn’t a very good friend, she was super dramatic, problematic, and argumentative and she also lies ALL THE TIME. So D and I met in 8th grade. In 11th grade, D and M started dating. They both went to the same private school but I went to the public school. Whenever I was around both of them she would start problems and run out of the room crying and all this other dramatic BS. M and I became friends, and D didn’t mind that at all really. Eventually they broke up, but I stayed friends with both of them. D encouraged me to date M, and said things like, “you two would be so cute together,” “can I be a bridesmaid in the wedding?” “when are you gonna date already?” etc.

When I asked her IF we did date, would she be mad, she said no. She dated two other guys after him. At the end of 11th grade, I told her that I wanted to be honest with her and not keep anything, and I told her that I was starting to have feelings for M. She freaked out. She said I was a bad friend and broke the “girl code” and she couldn’t trust me anymore, etc. Then she said our friendship is over and I haven’t spoken to her since then. That was back in March, it’s now October. M and I have now been dating for 5 months. We’re in 12th grade now, and a couple weeks ago a mutual friend told me that D was going to transfer to my school, I didn’t believe her because D has lied multiple times about transferring schools and moving to another state, so I assumed it was a lie for attention. But two days ago I saw her in the hallway.

At my school you have one class period where you can choose where you want to go, it’s kind of like a homeroom. And today we signed up for the same class. We made eye contact a few times and I was going to smile or wave but she looked away really fast each time. Then at the end of the day when I was walking to my car, she walked out of her classroom and almost bumped into me and we made eye contact for a second before she turned and walked away.

So, now that the backstory is over with, I actually have a question. Despite her not being the best friend possible, I do kind-of miss her friendship. I don’t understand how she threw away four years of friendship because I’m dating a guy that she encouraged me to date. I’m not saying I’m completely innocent, I would probably be a little upset, too, if the roles were reversed. But she told me it was okay and said she was over him. And even if one of my friends dated an ex of mine, I wouldn’t throw away our friendship like that. I think we both could’ve handled that situation better, but I don’t want to completely lose our friendship because of this. I’m thinking about maybe texting D and saying something like “Hey, I didn’t realize you transferred to ___. How have you been?” and see if maybe that can open the doors of communication and maybe allow us to start working toward a friendship again. I’d understand if she doesn’t want to, and if that’s the case I’d wish her the best and never bother her again. But I can’t live with myself if I don’t try my best to make things right. I’d also understand if maybe she doesn’t want to be as close as we once were, but still be acquaintances, but it’s better than nothing.

I’d like to say that I’m a pretty nice person, I don’t like knowing that I hurt someone who was once a close friend of mine, even if it was unintentional, and I can’t stand knowing that she doesn’t like me or is mad at me or something. Even if it would just make us civil again, where I can smile at her in the hall or text her every now and then, I’d be happy with that. I’m not sure if it’s the best thing to do though. I feel like M might be upset if I try to reunite our friendship, because I’ve vented to him about her many times before, so I feel like he’ll say something like “You complain about her all the time, and now you’re going to be friends with her?” or something along those lines.

Do you guys have any suggestions on how to handle this situation? Should I text her, and if so what should I say? Should I just let it go and move on with my life? She was my first friend when I moved here, and we’ve been friends since middle school. We’ve had our fights, but never like this. I really don’t know what I should do. Any advice?

4 thoughts on ““My friend gave me mixed messages, then said I broke the girl code”

  1. Anonymous says:

    Don’t. Let her come to you. She has some growing up to do. I know it hurts to be rejected and to want to repair this, but you aren’t the real issue. She’s got to fix herself before your relationship can be fixed.

    Also there is no such thing as “the girl code.”

    • Ciara Losel says:

      i think you should send her a message saying about how you didnt know shed transferred because if youre missing the friendship then you should definitely try and talk to her, but maybe dont become as close as you were before because of all the drama she creates

  2. caffeinatedflower says:

    I believe you should let her go. It may be tough (as you were such close friends) but she seems incredibly toxic. I mean, she encouraged you to date him and then spat in your face for it. If you manage to become friends again the situation will just repeat itself. People like that don’t change. I went through a similar experience; I realised just how problematic one of my close friends was compared to new friends I had made. Dropping her really made me feel a lot better.

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