“I’ve made a good and bad list about him”

So I am having a really hard time deciding if I should stay with my current boyfriend of 3 years. When I first met him I was 100% sure he was “the one”. We have shared a lot of good times and a lot of bad. I’ve been told by a lot of people that I shouldn’t settle for him and that there is better out there for me.

Part of me believes it, and another part can’t stand the idea of him being with anyone but me. My best friend told me to make a good and bad list and though the bad list is longer, there’s a lot of value to me in the good list. I still can’t wrap my head around it and would love any and all insight. Don’t sugar coat it. Thank you!!

The Good

• He is very handsome

• He makes me laugh

• He is a people person and loves talking to people

• He wants to marry me one day

• He loves to take me out (I never ask for it nor expect it)

• He gets mad at me for hating on my body, and encourages me to love myself more

• He encourages me to be healthier and to treat my body better

• He encourages me to pursue a career I love and says he just wants me to be happy

• He loves going out and having a good time with me

• He is a great cuddler and puts up with my neediness

• He loves to get up and go somewhere, randomly resulting in overnight beach trips and random excursions

• He is now supportive of me smoking

• He talks about how beautiful and pretty I am

The Bad

• He has no job consistency

• He does not know when to stop talking (eg, talking about how I smoke to my family)

• He has the ‘if they are going to judge you, fuck em’ attitude, concerning things like making sure a house is cleaned/straightened up for guests.

• Makes big decisions on impulse (getting a new dog after making me get rid of our last one because we couldn’t give him the best he deserved)

• He hates cats and let me get one but resents her and treats her like trash. His mentality is if they don’t meow/bark then they aren’t hurt. He jokes around about her running away or dying and it being a good thing if it were to happen.

• He tells me to get off my lazy ass and do something when I went to work, bought dinner, made dinner, and was taking a break before cleaning and going to the gym.

• Says I never want to go anywhere when I consistently go places with him and even suggest things to do. I just have some days where I’d rather stay at home.

• He constantly has dreams about sleeping with random women, having long conversations with his ex, sleeping with my best friend, and tells me all about them.

• When I’m depressed or have anxiety he gets mad at me. He’ll yell at me if I start crying saying I have no reason to be crying and to “not even start with that shit”.

• He isn’t fond of my family gatherings and always wants to leave as soon as possible. Doesn’t try to interact with my family.

• He likes to make me do disgusting things for sexual pleasure. Makes me shit in front of him, puts his face in my ass, then forces me to kiss him. He knows how much I hate it, it’s arousing to him that I do.

• He has made many joking comments about my weight saying I look like an egg or comparing me to an elephant, mentioning how much my legs jiggle when I walk and his don’t.

• Anytime I’m around my best friend he never fails to question ‘why can’t I be more like her’ and talks about how similar he and her are, and how if we weren’t dating he’d totally date her.

• He used to borrow money from his parents all the time, then complains that no one ever wants to look out for him or help him, and then talks about how he does everything himself, and if it weren’t for him, I would starve.

• He always boasts about everything he’s done for me and never recognizes when I do things for him, or he yells at me for spending money on him and that I should be saving it instead.

• He is scared of planes, rollercoasters, and the ocean so I have to find other people to go with when I want to do those things.

• He doesn’t like holding hands at all

• He is only supportive of me smoking because I am more sexual when I do, asks why do I get sleepy when I smoke/drink and why can’t I be more fun?

• He likes big, expensive presents for Christmas, got upset with me when I didn’t buy him a certain thing for Christmas when I didn’t have enough money for it.

• He has never trusted me, and constantly goes through my phone for something to incriminate me. Never finds anything because I’ve always been 100% loyal to him but that never stops him. I am constantly monitored.


6 thoughts on ““I’ve made a good and bad list about him”

  1. Anonymous says:

    Oh honey, no. You are being mentally abused by this man. Run and don’t look back. You deserve better.

  2. Anonymous says:

    You have a lot of contradictions in there. He encourages you to love your body but makes fun of it in ways that hurt you? He’s a people person but won’t talk to your family? He “puts up with your neediness” but won’t support you when you are struggling with depression or anxiety?? I think you need to reevaluate your positives and ask if those things are even true or if they are things you believed at the beginning and haven’t examined since.
    Also, wanting to be with him because you don’t want him to be with anyone else is a terrible reason. Think about who you want to be with. Someone who treats you well only when it’s convenient and constantly tears you down otherwise? Someone who abuses your animals (and you, honestly)? Some of these things you could work out if you guys talked about it but it sounds like he would rather just be mean and controlling to keep you in your place. I say leave. It will only get worse.

  3. solstice444 says:

    He does not treat you well. Move on! You know what kind of negatives I’d say about my boyfriend if I were making a list? Things like “He drips water on the floor after a shower.” The negatives you describe are serious and you shouldn’t put up with them.

  4. Lenora Novak says:

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