“I don’t trust him sexually or financially”

(Disclaimer! This is a male/male same-sex relationship)

I’m engaged to someone I don’t trust sexually or financially. We will have been together two years at the end of October this year, and he proposed a few weeks ago. Another bit of information is he has a neurological disorder that can cause tremors every so often, and he can become highly sensitive to certain sensations like water, soap, a sudden cold breeze. This doesn’t appear to be all that often, I’d say once or twice a day he will experience these things. He also has a daughter that is 7 years old, the result of a boozy encounter with one of his friends.

I do admit I find it difficult to trust people in general, and things started out to where I thought my fiance was an exception, until I came upon some less-than-honest scenarios. When we were dating, one of the topics we discussed were sex and the sort of “things” we were into. I laid it all out, as honesty is very important to me with any relationship. His reaction to the question “what are you into” was irrationally defensive, it wasn’t over the top, but it was negative, as if I attacked him on some level.

He did state a thing or two, nothing unusual, or to my surprise really. However, as the relationship progressed, I found our sex life odd, as it was honestly extremely lax, having sex only once or twice a month, at most 3 times.

At some point I was trying to find an extension cord and he has miscellaneous electronics in his nightstand, but a really bad smell wafted and I noticed a damp rag….I knew what it was, and at the time it meant nothing. It’s normal and healthy. However….one day it was just us two around the house and I was pretty straightforward I was horny, but he kept pushing me away.

He picked up his daughter that evening and at the time, him and I slept in different rooms to better acclimate her to our relationship…..but that night I went in his room with a question in mind, and caught him masturbating. My mind raced and the only clear thought I could grasp was he chose this over me….and the insecurity started.

Eventually, I lacked enough self control to go into his nightstand again, and I powered on a tablet he claimed was never used, it was just a spare. I found LOADS of porn in the history, for a moment I was pretty rational, porn is normal….however as I saw the titles and inspected further…..it was almost entirely straight porn, some videos with much more focus on the female anatomy than anything else. He never told me he was bi, and he insists he is not, but that bothers me even more, because clearly something about women turns him on, and it rang clear to me he prefers masturbating to women than having sex with me. His half ass, quick reply, to when I told him I snooped, was he ‘preferred the money shots’, but he must assume I didn’t look at any of the videos, because that logic doesn’t apply to a lot of them.

Also at this point, I’ve been periodically checking the nightstand and found the rag was used at least 3-4 times weekly, seemingly infinitely more than we’ve had sex. He has also had issues “finishing” in the bedroom, but also claims he is self conscious about being too quick….an odd problem to have for someone premature. Eventually we did try again, but it went as bad as gay sex goes….I won’t go into detail, but I cried a lot and he tried reassuring me it was alright, but I could only think “well he’ll never find me attractive now.” After that we literally went 10 months without sex. All my desire turned to fear. Eventually I coped well enough to have it again, but I don’t like it. I can’t help but feel inadequate.

Another thing is our finances, we live together and I budget to make sure shit gets done. Most of the bills are his to begin with, to the point he realistically has no disposable income, but I find most of the things we spend money on are more for him than myself. Also there have been a few occasions I gave him money to cover bills, some months he was too reckless and needed help. Sometimes though, I found he had no real intention to pay his bills with it. He would dig into what I gave him just a little bit, and just kinda develop a “fuck it” habit and blow through it since he was then just a few dollars short of paying whatever he needed to pay.

I can honestly say a lot more, but these are the biggest parts. We have a lot of fun, we really do, and we love each other, almost everything else is spot on, I just don’t really trust him. I’m getting a trapped feeling as if I have no control over my own life and my sole purpose is to just support his lifestyle. Any sort of insight would be much appreciated….

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