I think loneliness has been accepting myself to get trapped in an unhappy relationship for years. I know I have the will power, but the fear of the unknown is really scary.. I have been in this relationship for three years. Wow.. I cant believe it’s only been three years because looking back, it feels like it’s been eternity. Him and I began as best friends and fell in love.
My boyfriend is a nice guy. He is loyal. He is smart. He is generous and also very easy going. These are qualities that I personally wished I possessed so I have always admired and appreciated the way his way of life brought me some zen.
However, as time went on, I realized that his easy-goingness really came from his lack of engagement to anything. He could not get anything done. Or he could not even start because he is “too afraid of failing”. He always pushes things to the last minute which always ends up stressing both of us out. I am not a planner. I am a Sagittarius for crying out loud. I like adventures and spontaneity, however, I saw myself gradually turning into a mom figure. Guiding him through very simple procedures of life, making sure to keep him motivated, making sure he follows through with his plans. It has become so exhausting, dragging him along to get things done.
My friends and family have never approved of him as my boyfriend material because of his idealistic and make-believe personality. He is very kind and sweet but that was always something that made my close friends hate him because my boyfriend is too much of a puppy, 100 percent dependent on me. You know, in the beginning, I enjoyed his cutesy, affectionate, can’t-live-without-you attitude. It was endearing. But now I am seriously second guessing but I still find myself taking him back again and again, leaving myself at an unhappier place every time.
I’ve been wanting to move on and start fresh for the past year. He has been talking marriage down the line so I was preparing myself because he has not been. I got a great job and a business degree, have been saving up for “our future”. While my boyfriend has been supporting, talking sweet loving words, and being kind – he also has been at home doing nothing, not particularly looking for a job for the past three years after college graduation. When I asked him if he has been looking seriously into jobs, he never elaborates so I was just so fed up to even ask about it.
I did love him very much. There are unbelievably incredible things he has done for me throughout our relationship that has really touched me deeply. I still do and always will have love for him. However, I don’t see a future with someone this irresponsible and unrealistic anymore. But every time I do break up with him, he begs he will change and asks for me back – and because he is a good soul at heart, I do take him back but I really know that I should leave.
I think I am afraid that there are other fish in the sea but the other fish aren’t any better. I think I’m scared to lose something I invested so much of my time and heart in.