“My declining sex drive has ruined our relationship”

I have serious problems with sex in my relationship. We are both in our thirties, been together for 8 years and have two kids (so, opting out is no real option).

When we started going out we had lots of sex but, even before the kids, my desire started to decline. We talked a lot about it, but even I myself have no idea why I lost interest in sex. My doctor could not find anything (physically) wrong with me and still finds no hormonal imbalance. I also do not use any hormonal contraception and never did. Of course I “Googled” and talked to a few friends and the consensus is… that I can’t just deprive my boyfriend of sex. So I sometimes forced myself to have sex with him. And I really put in a lot of effort. There were times when I really DID enjoy it but mostly it is a struggle and I only do it because otherwise he keeps pressuring and is in a bad mood.

Then about two years ago the problems started, as that I started to feel really sick and dizzy when having sex. While doing it I do not feel in control of my body sometimes and I don’t really know what to do or say. I can’t stand him touching me anymore because he always only wants to have sex anyway. I start to resent him, really.

Now we are caught in this cycle where even one compliment, look or touch from him kills every positive thought I might have had, literally fearing that he wants to have sex again. Then I reject him which makes him having a bad mood and growing even more demanding the next day.

I do not know how to get out of this mess. We can not afford any psychological doctor and there would only be one in the next big city, a two hour drive away, anyway.

If anyone has advice I would be very grateful…

(Excuse the bad grammar, English is not my native language.)

2 thoughts on ““My declining sex drive has ruined our relationship”

  1. Anonymous says:

    I think you need to talk to a different kind of doctor. Look for a sex therapist and include him in the doctor visit. They have a much different approach than your doctor or gyno will take.

  2. Max and Mike says:

    I have similar situation. However, with me, I know that my sex drive has dramatically decreased due to the many anti-depressants and anxiety medicines that I currently take. I would highly recommend talking to your partner and have a candid conversation. Set up a date night where the two of you go out alone and have someone watch the kids, and maybe rent a hotel room. Another option, since doctor office so far away, you may want to look into video chat with a doctor. Many now offer free consultations. Bottom line, the two of you have been in a relationship for long time, and think that communication is key.

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