“Will he ever be okay with me needing time to be ready?”

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for over a year and a half now, he’s my first boyfriend and our relationship was doing amazing. We’re both in college now and he’s really sweet, and we talk about our future together all the time.

However, he has told me many times that the sexual aspect is sub-par and he would like more from it. Lately he has been asking me to go down on him more and for me to start giving him bjs even though I’ve expressed to him many times that I’m really uncomfortable with doing that. Even though he tells me that all of his friends are doing it, it still really scares me. He’s been asking for about 6 months now and my idea of it hasn’t really changed. It doesn’t really help either that the first time we tried anal, he didn’t even really ask me. Of course , he apologized afterwards when I told him how much it hurt, and said that he didn’t know he was doing it, but looking back, I don’t know if I really fully believe him.

I was never much into the physical aspect of our relationship and tried to make up for it in other fields. I’ve been supporting him emotionally and (currently) financially while he’s in between jobs, even though almost all of my funds go into my school. However, even though I put all of my spare time and effort into those other two fields, he still asks me for more in the field I’m not entirely comfortable with.

I can’t point out to him how much I do for him, because he hates it so much from his parents. it didn’t seem like a problem until last week when he told me that (not exact wording) if I really loved him then I would do it. Of course after a little thought he retracted his statement and blamed it on bad wording, but I don’t know how to tell if there was any truth behind it or not. I had so many things to say to him after that statement, but I’m really emotional when it comes to my relationship and I couldn’t really say much in fear of having a nervous breakdown in front of him.

Now I don’t know how to confront him about this because I haven’t talked to him since. I really need help in moving forward with my relationship. I can’t just leave him, when we were so happy talking about our future, literally minutes before. And I need to know if it is likely that he will ever be okay with me needing time to be ready or never being ready to do this.

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2 thoughts on ““Will he ever be okay with me needing time to be ready?”

  1. Anonymous says:

    “our relationship was doing amazing”

    except my boyfriend belittles me, scares me, doesn’t care that a sexual act makes me uncomfortable, doesn’t like it when I stand up for myself when I tell him all I do for him in our relationship that he should be aware of and give thanks, “accidentally” sodomized me and didn’t ask or ok this before he did it (that counts as rape btw), is discussing our sex life with his buddies without my permission …

    Do you see that your relationship isn’t amazing? This is abusive. You need to leave, because it’s going to get worse. I didn’t see one good think about him in your letter. If I were him I would be ashamed. He’s too busy manipulating you into sexual acts you don’t want though, unsafely. He could have tore your anus doing that without asking. Think of how fun that trip to the emergency room would be. Also, without proper lube, you can kill someone doing that. The fecal matter can get into your bloodstream and it goes down hill from there.

    I think you have a big, forgiving heart that he’s using for his penis.

  2. M says:

    Not ok. He is been manipulating and forcing you in to things that you are not Comfortable with. There is no circumstances in which that is ok. First relationships can be daunting, because you simply don’t know what real stuff feels like, you think if someone pays attention to you and wants to hang out, that’s – love. I made the same mistake. I simply din’t know better, because i had nothing to compare it to. However how he is treating you in not normal, is not appropriate is NOT love. He has no right to force you or pressure you to do things you are not comfortable with. You have to get out. The sooner the better. REAL love, is not supposed to make you feel uncomfortable, or pressured or insecure.

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