Oh boy, do I need your help. I split with an amazing guy 6 years ago. We connected so well and I trusted him endlessly, but he always felt a bit far away and had a gaming addiction (which he’s since resolved). I had an internship opportunity in Africa and had to decide whether to keep it short and come back to him, or end our relationship and be open to jobs there. So I laid out 2 things I needed from him – stop gaming so much and be a bit more sexually adventurous – but he said he couldn’t do those things. So I ended it.
Forward 6 years. Work, and the decision I want a family, landed me on the other side of North America from my ex. I hadn’t met anyone and kept thinking about him. I wrote him a long letter, and we talked so openly about what happened. I learned that during that time he was failing school, and actually dropped out, adding 2 years to his education when we split. He couldn’t give me what I needed, because he was losing himself. He would love to explore us, but right then he was seeing an old ex who was going through a lot (alcoholism), and while he doubted it’d last, he had to let it take its course.Two weeks later I met a great guy 15 years older than me. He is hot (for almost 50), has a great career, is very well off, great sex, and tells me I’m beautiful and smart every day. It’s been a year and a half and we just moved in, and he wants to marry soon (he’s very ready to find his life partner and build with them). Fantasy right? Suddenly though, I felt like.. how could I ever NOT be with my ex again? OMG.. never another chance! It tore me apart. And now I suddenly am picking out all these little annoyances about the current guy. I don’t even feel as attracted to him and have been a bit rude but almost feel I can’t control it.
I met for coffee with my ex, while visiting home over holidays. He said he was sorry he never had the confidence to come after me – he just never believed he’d amount to anything. That I was out of reach. Then he saw me with this guy and he thought I was happy – he wanted me to have that. Figured I’d marry this guy, and with that resolved he’d likely just be alone for a long time. He would love another shot… but also doesn’t want to be the reason I change everything. He feels guilty, like a home-wrecker. We’re both logical enough to know it might not even work. We’d be starting from scratch emotionally and in life, new (but good) careers with student loans and not even have enough to buy a home if it does work. And, it would mean me leaving a job, life, moving across the country to a place I know no one. But, much closer to my family (4 hour drive vs. 700$ flight).
Since the talk with my ex I’ve told my current guy a million things I’m unhappy about. Too far from my family? He’ll get me a condo there so I can see them. He’s too clean for kids? He will learn to be messy. Loves the penthouse too much? We’ll get a house. He is just so willing to fix every single thing I bring up! – because he will do anything to see me happy.
I don’t know who I love. My ex? I did, so much, but it’s been 6 years and we don’t even know each other anymore. My current, I thought I did but now I’m really not sure. I haven’t even wanted to kiss him. I can’t ‘follow my heart’ – it’s not speaking to me! Am I just running away from a good thing, cold feet? And, I worry the money clouds my vision – a life where I could have anything and so could my kids. But, it’s not just that – one is ready to do anything for me, while the other let me walk away once before. But, the current is so willing to do anything, I worry I’ll steal how he envisioned his retirement – kids instead of travel and luxury, and he may resent it later. Or I could go after the one I’d get to grow and build with and who finally put himself out there, sharing more with me than he ever has – but if it doesn’t work, lose everything and have to start all over and maybe never meet another good guy for years and years. I’m just so lost. Please help.
2 thoughts on ““Confused which guy I love””
Wait wait what? You have a guy willing to do or fix anything to make you happy and youre thinking about going back to mr. sexually unadventurous the alcoholic?
Look, if you dont like that poor man just let him go instead of making him jump through 100 hoops, certainly dont jerk him around while youre lowkey talking to your ex. He clearly cares about you a lot and its not fair to him if you dont tell him honestly what youre feeling.
I think its crazy to go back to someone youve already been with and know things dont work with….. but the heart wants what it wants and it sounds like youre in need of some closure with someone who was once very important to you.
I think the feelings you feel for your ex are romanticized escapist fantasies. He’s not who he was, your not who you are and tbh you have a serious case of cold feet. Don’t marry until you are sure. You’re already in enough debt as it is.