“My boyfriend’s roommate needs a room for his shoes”

My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years. I am a mother of an almost 3-year-old. Being in a relationship with someone that had a child is hard on both ends of the relationship. My daughter comes first before myself or anything.

My boyfriend has a house he shares with his roommate. My boyfriend and I talked about moving in together, but he wanted to check with his roommate to see if he was comfortable with the idea. The house has 3 bedrooms and a basement. My boyfriend has a room upstairs, while his roommate uses one room to sleep in and the other room as his shoe/game room.

When my boyfriend told me it wasn’t a good idea for us to move in, he told me that moving us in would be forcing his roommate out and that his roommate had waited two years to have that extra room for his shoes. I understood the factor of not being comfortable with having extra people in the house, but it bothers me that my boyfriend agrees that his roommate having a shoe room is more important than my two-year-old daughter having her own room.

To make matters more difficult, my boyfriend wants to meet the father of my child. I haven’t done so because I want to make sure this guy is going to stick around (like forever) and don’t want to deal with any extra drama with someone that’s not going to be there. My boyfriend said he wants to meet the father of my child, because he cares about my daughter and thinks it’s important that the father knows who is around his daughter.

I agree with my boyfriend, but I’m conflicted with the caring part of his reasoning. I feel that he only cares about my daughter to a certain degree or when it’s convenient for him. I guess I would be okay with him meeting him if we were moving in with him, because we would be residing in his home or that I knew that my boyfriend truly cared about my daughter. But I honestly don’t know how to feel or treat the situation.

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4 thoughts on ““My boyfriend’s roommate needs a room for his shoes”

  1. Anonymous says:

    Do not move in with your boyfriend.

    There are too many things you have not discussed. This has drama written all over it.

    First off the roommate was there first, so if he wants a room for shoes or whatever it’s really not up to you.

    Your boyfriend being a responsible adult meeting your child’s father. What if something happened to you and he needed to get your daughter to her father, because you were for example in the hospital for a extended amount of time or dead? He needs to be able to contact him.

    Have you even discussed finances? Chores? The possibility of you getting knocked up again? Marriage? What happens to your daughter in the event of emergencies? How to deal with your daughter’s thoughts and feelings for this new predicament. Just because she’s three doesn’t mean she doesn’t have emotional issues. (PS I don’t need your answers – this is food for thought for you.) Do you have money for three months rent in case you walk in on him with a lover or he starts beating you and your kid aka a break up? What about your furniture vs. his? Bathroom habits. Plus maybe a roommate who doesn’t suddenly want to deal with a three year old and a girlfriend who judges him for having a gaming/shoe room.

  2. Dennis Hong says:

    You have two separate issues here, so I’ll address each one separately.

    First off, I think you’re misunderstanding what is and isn’t important to your boyfriend. It’s not important to him that his roommate has a shoe room. It’s important to him that he respect his roommate, because this is his roommate’s house, not yours. It’s not your place to judge what your boyfriend’s roommate should have in an extra room. It’s his — and your boyfriend’s — house, meaning it’s not your place to expect that your daughter should get a room there.

    Having said that, if you and your boyfriend are serious about moving in together, then I think you should talk about getting a place together — i.e., just the two of you. Now, if that’s not possible for logistics reasons (for instance, if they’re on a lease, or your boyfriend wants to be a good friend and not screw his roommate over), then your only option is to wait it out.

    Ultimately, you have to realize that even though you’re the girlfriend, your boyfriend has known his roommate for longer than you, so I would suggest you not make him decide between you and the roommate … lest the decision not be in your favor.

    As for him meeting the father of your child … why not? Why is it such a big deal? If you’re worried about him sticking around … well, that’s an issue to be concerned about if you were considering letting him meet your daughter (since meeting a potential stepfather is going to be a big step for a two-year-old). But … an ex-boyfriend/father of a child?

    Who cares?

    It sounds like he cares enough to want to meet him, and you call him a “boyfriend,” so this is obviously at least a somewhat serious relationship. I feel like you’re trying to use the roommate issue as a way to hold some leverage over your boyfriend’s desire to meet the father of your child, but those two really aren’t related. So just let him meet the father, and figure out the roommate issue separately. Because if you try to link the two, then it’s only going to make you seem petty.

  3. Anonymous says:

    I have a lot of reasons why I haven’t had my boyfriend meet the father of my child. It’s not anything personal towards him, the father of my child or anyone. I grew up with family that set a horrible example, and has made it hard for me as an adult to make certain decisions because I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes. My father has been married twice, and has had over probably 10 girlfriends from when I was 9 to when I moved out when I was 17. A lot of drama went on between my mom, my step mom with my dad and his many in and out girlfriends. It was extremely stressful for me when I was growing up and i just don’t want to put my daughter threw that. I get nervous about making choices because of my family history. I just want to be the best the mother I can be, and give my daughter a better life than I had. This is my first serious relationship with having a child and he has no children so it’s hard to be on the same page because we aren’t going through the same things and our family history is the complete opposite. When my boyfriend brought up about meeting my daughters dad, he didn’t tell me it bothered him. He brought it up, in questioning of mine and her fathers parenting skills. I would have sympothized the situation and would have gone a different route because of how he felt.

    Getting told “no you guys can’t move in” wasn’t the problem for me. My boyfriend’s roommate didn’t say anything other than he wasn’t comfortable with us moving in, which I completely respect and understand because I have been in their shoes. The shoe room was brought up in my boyfriend’s opinion during the conversation and that’s what upset me. I agree with what you guys are saying that it’s their house and not mine so it’s not my choices to make and i have to live with what they decide. It just made me feel like my daughter was less important because of my boyfriend’s opinion of the shoe room

    • Dennis Hong says:

      Ah, gotcha. In that case, the underlying issue here is that you and your boyfriend might not be on the same page as far as where your relationship stands. It sounds like you’re pushing for it to be a bit more serious than he’s ready to be — or he may ever ready to be. Especially if he doesn’t have any children of his own, it can be a big step to be with someone who does have a child.

      So, it might be worth sitting down with him and asking him where he sees your relationship going, as that appears to be the actual issue at this point. Just make sure you do it in as non-confrontational a way as possible, so that you don’t put pressure on him to just give you an answer he thinks you want to hear. Make sure you get the real answer.

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