This is a deep thought question so I’ll try to keep the details short.
I’m married to an abusive husband. We have one child, I have another who is much older from a previous relationship. I went to my attorney to divorce said abusive husband. Before I continue, I should say that my husband is a doctor. This will be important later. He has a high income, yet most people don’t realize that we don’t have cash on hand, it’s tied up and we are in debt. But, he does bring home a large amount of money.
He went to counseling with me. There, we discussed how we fight with each other because my cleaning isn’t up to his standards. (I am in no way filthy. I’m just not one of those OCD people like he is). The therapist suggested we hire a housekeeper so we wouldn’t fight about it. So we did, and it mostly worked.
I myself, wasn’t handling things well. I ended up with an addiction in an effort to deal with what my life had become. I went to rehab and it was the best thing that has ever happened in my life. I’ve been clean for years now. BUT, I do take Subutex. I have also screwed up royally by getting into 7 car wrecks within five years. A few were due to intoxication, some were not. I have never been intoxicated in front of my children or had anything near them.
I am still seeing several specialists to find out why I black out behind the wheel sometimes. It’s always when I’m alone. So we chose to cancel my car insurance, and hire a girl to drive the kids to and from school. Not looking like a saint am I? I just laid out the worst of the worst. Every morning I get my kids up and ready for school, cook them breakfast, send them off, I’m the one who does homework with them and plays with them. By the time my husband arrives home around 6pm, he sits in his recliner on his laptop. I bathe the kids and put them to bed. I’m not a bad person, I got involved in a terrible marriage that I didn’t have coping skills for. No family.
So I go see my attorney after my husband threatens suicide and runs off with his gun. Attorney tells me that the court will look at him and see a respectable doctor and look at me and see an addict who can’t clean her house or take care of her kids. (Getting them to school.) I have no proof of abuse. I’m working on that. So the attorney tells me to get proof, get off my meds, get car insurance, and come back. Understandable.
In the meantime, I have met a man. Met him three years ago and never thought much about him. Lately, that’s changed. My husband would call him trashy, he is below the poverty level. He has two kids as well. He is so nice to me it is unbelievable. He always has been, I don’t know why I never thought of him romantically before.
Here is my question. When I do divorce, isn’t the right thing to do is go with my heart and be with him despite the fact that he can hardly provide for himself? I don’t care about extra money. When I married my husband I was a single parent without two pennies to rub together. This excess actually drives me crazy sometimes. I hate pretenses, I don’t feel at home in this high society environment. So I should be fine with moving to a little trailer with this incredibly nice, treats-me-like-a-princess man, right? Actually, I already am ok with it, I’m just asking if I’m wrong. What will my kids think? Will they understand I moved them into a trailer park out of true love for someone? Will this teach them the right lesson? Is there even a lesson? This man is overly kind to me. The thought of living with that instead of “your face disgusts me” is somewhat heavenly. Someone help me understand if I’m being a brat or selfish or what. I’m so confused.
3 thoughts on ““I’m married to an abusive husband””
Do what your heart tells you. Your kids will come to understand the reasons you did what you did. Go and be happy!!!
If he is a good and honest man that your children can look up to, it shouldn’t matter the monetary value he has. You can be filthy rich and be a jerk (like your current husband). As long as there is a roof over your head and food to eat and water to clean up with afterwards, then it sounds pretty good to me especially if he treats you right. Your children may be iffy at first, most children are when their mother brings a man into their life that isn’t their father, but if he is as great as you say he is they will see how happy you are and probably be just as happy too.
Stay away from the other guy. You’re an addict coming out of an abusive relationship. You have so many red flags in YOUR life that if this guy isn’t running, that’s a red flag in itself.
Continue therapy (for yourself). Continue your treatment (outpatient and/or continuing care or even AA/NA). Do NOT drive unless you are 100% clean/sober.
Get a second legal opinion. Your husband’s OCD/controlling cleanliness obsession may not be a factor here.
Start a small slush fund for yourself if you can. You’ll need the money when you walk away. Copies of all assets, accounts, information, etc.
good luck in your recovery. You CAN do it. I promise.