I am a college-age female living away from home for the first time, going to school in a state about 200 miles from home. I am not a really experienced person in life, this is my first time living independently and I admit to being pretty socially awkward – shy, quiet, not too visible.
I have never had any serious relationships and have not really spent much time developing my sexuality. I did not date much in high school and have never been certain about my interest in males, I went out with two boys but only a few times. I have had close female friends and experimented with kissing them but not much more and really drew away from any complicated interaction, keeping to myself and paying attention to schoolwork and lots of other things. I don’t feel that I missed out on anything especially but also think maybe that I am too introverted and shy and maybe I should pay attention to all these things.
So when I arrived here, meaning where I am attending college, I got a room near campus. The woman who is my landlord is a middle-aged woman (late 40’s) and she was very sweet and kind to me. Perhaps because of my nature I allowed her to become very involved in my life. She turned out being around me all the time and perhaps I allowed that, not establishing any boundaries. Again, I am not forward as a person.
But the thing is, what happened is that we became sexually involved. It started with her kissing me on the mouth and I have allowed all this to develop. I am not saying that I don’t enjoy the things we have done, and I have really responded to it all, perhaps because no one has done any of this with me before, it’s all new to me. But the circumstances are not perfect – I have no privacy and even more than that I don’t know what to think about the relationship, because I can’t see myself telling anybody about it, so that makes it seem wrong. I don’t have anybody I know personally to confide in about it all. Any help or advice would be welcome.
2 thoughts on ““Is my secret relationship with an older woman wrong?””
You don’t feel comfortable and that is your gut telling you something. You both are in two VERY different parts of your life. You are still learning what you want. She’s had time to find out what she wants (not that some of us ever figure that out… but I digress.) You may be a lesbian, bi, or something more. You need to let her know you are not comfortable, need some space, and find a new place to live where you can put up boundaries better. I’d start looking today. Lots more space in the spring with the majority of students leaving after the fall semester. You may also have to pay to get out of the lease.
Best of luck!
Having boundaries is very important. It will get to the point where either way, whether it be for good or bad, you will need to enforce boundaries.
Other than wanting space, how do you feel about things that have developed with this woman? If it is enjoyable, then I don’t think there is a need to pack up your stuff and move houses. If it is just space that you are wanting, I’m sure she will be more than willing to understand that. From what I can pick up from your story, like you said, you’ve responded to these things that she was doing with you.
If you feel that you want to end it, do so. Maybe then consider finding a new home and starting afresh once again. Don’t put a label on things and force yourself to think so much about it. She will understand, and if she doesn’t, then you know where you stand and that may help you move forward.
Hope this helps.