“He keeps wanting to wait on getting married”

My boyfriend and I have been together going on three years. We started living together after knowing each other for eight months and after officially dating for only one month. We have a one-year-old daughter and recently (two weeks ago) found out that we are expecting our second child. I love him and from the time I met him have been pretty deeply in love. We live well together, but we do obviously have our share of arguments.

We had previously talked about being married and he led me to believe that we were on the same page. To the point that we had engagement rings for one another. We later had some issues come up involving him talking to other people and we stopped wearing our rings. Now that we are supposed to be going to counseling and working on things, he sees marriage for him in another 5-6 years.

I personally don’t think it takes that long to decide if you want someone. Especially considering our circumstances — we live together, sleep together, share all of our finances, and have children. I take care of our home, child, and I cater to him all that I can. He didn’t decide to wait on anything else, so why does he want to wait on marriage?

It makes me feel unworthy and down. I can see waiting another year or two, but not that long. I know what I want. Does he really just not want to marry me? I feel like I fell into the trap … giving the milk for free, but I genuinely thought he was crazy about me the same as I was about him.

I told him I’m not willing to wait that long and I will leave. I’ve shared with him how important it is to me. He says it shows that I don’t care about or love him, but I can say the same. His only argument is he doesn’t want to end up getting divorced. But people marry in 9 months and stay together 50 years. Some marry in 7 years and divorce after 4. It works if you work it! I obviously don’t want to marry someone who doesn’t want to marry me, but am I wrong for being unwilling to wait?

2 thoughts on ““He keeps wanting to wait on getting married”

  1. Anonymous says:

    I think you are both right.

    If you leave him how will you support those kids? You did not say you had a job. Those kids are now your top priority. You. Are. Mama. If he’s really unwilling to marry you, you may be fighting a legal battle soon to just get child support. Meanwhile how will you eat, have shelter, etc? Who will take care of them while you’re working? Exit plan time Mama. Deadline date, plan for your new living quarters, downpayment and all. Don’t expect him out of your life forever though. You had kids so you’ll need to deal with him for 20+ years now.
    You are a adult who made her choices and therefore did not “fall into a trap.” You made your choices, now own them like a grown woman. You can do this. You are stronger than you realize. You need marriage to feel secure. That’s ok. Own that. You won’t make this mistake again in the next relationship.
    You don’t need a ring to get married or even a typical wedding. You can do that in five years like he wants if you want a princess wedding. Courthouse + however much your state charges for a marriage license, done. I never really saw the reason to throw those big shindigs anyways. For the price of those you could have a fantastic honeymoon, buy a house, or car.

    I wish you the best in whatever you do. Good luck Mama.

  2. Anonymous says:

    You did not give much detail about the issue that came up over him talking to other people. If he was talking to other people about personal things in your relationship, I can understand why you would be hurt. If was he just talking to another person besides you and you got angry about that, I can see why he would want to delay getting married.

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