My boyfriend and I have been dating for over four years. I am always the fixer, which means whether it’s my fault or his, I go to him first to fix any problems we have. Always. He hardly apologizes when he’s wrong and I apologize too much when it’s not my fault.
Tonight, we went out for some drinks and took an Uber. On our way back to the house, we accidentally got in the wrong Uber. The driver asked for his name, he said his name and confirmed. We hopped in. I guess the driver didn’t hear the name correctly. Almost home, we realized this mistake; the driver was a total asshole, and said pay cash or get out. Neither of us had cash so we got out. We made a report to Uber since we were stranded at midnight on the side of the road. We called another and finally made it. Immediately he placed a complaint with Uber. He said he wanted to file a police report and say the Uber driver was drunk driving or speeding and driving recklessly.
I disagreed because that’s obviously not the truth and I did not find it necessary. He shouted at me, “You always disagree with me!” And I stared at him and he said “Stop staring at me or go home.” He told me he didn’t want to see me tomorrow, then asked if I was on my period. I had one drink. He had two. I’m now alone crying upstairs contemplating if I should apologize for something. But this time, I can’t seem to find something to apologize for.
2 thoughts on ““I apologize for things that aren’t my fault””
“…contemplating if I should apologize for something. But this time, I can’t seem to find something to apologize for.” That’s because you shouldn’t – you don’t have anything to be sorry for and you have been spending four years possibly apologising for things that have NEVER been your fault. Want to know why I know this? Emotional Abuse. That’s what this is – your relationship with your boyfriend. I spent a year with one such person, constantly saying sorry for everything. my ex refusing to back down unless I apologised, even writing post break-up letters (because he still needed to keep his stinky presence around) saying I was a good person because I apologised (and he wrote that with capital letters.)
After a that year, I was emotionally and mentally spent and I don’t want the same to happen to you. Yes I’m suggesting to create a huge distance between you and your boyfriend, to break up with him, to help yourself, to stop this cycle where you could spend the rest of your life saying sorry for things you aren’t responsible for.
Isn’t it messed up that he can’t be the big person and say sorry? That he had was planning to lie about the Uber driver (perjury is it not?).
This guy isn’t worth your efforts for “change”. Whether he has a miraculous personality transplant in the future isn’t for you to stick around and wait for. You are not the person to be submissive to his emotional needs and agree with everything he says or does, or take responsibility for his behaviour. He needs to say sorry for himself while you walk away and only say sorry for the things that you know you are responsible for.
You need to stop apologizing. Your kindness has pacified him. He will never be able to accept responsibility and see his fault like this. After four years he should be able to recognize when he is wrong and act accordingly. I think it’s time you stand up for yourself. Be upset let him know it’s you that doesn’t want to see him. He will straighten up if he loves you.