I want to die. I have been planning my death for two years now. I don’t know what to do. I guess I should explain why first. I was in second-year college that time, enjoying studying and the hardships of exams. Anyway, you get the point.
I was on my way to a math exam. On the way, I have to pass through the mall to buy school stuff when I saw someone I didn’t want to see.
When I was nine or ten, my parents were working on our farm, so I was in charge of watching the house and my little sister. During that time, my parents were having our house renovated. The carpenters were with us in the house most of the time. I don’t want to remember most of the stuff, but I remember one day one of the carpenters decided to play with me and my sister (she was 4/5 years old btw). It was okay at first. He would sit down with us while we play housed and drew.
One day, he decided that we should play in the bedroom for a change and not the living room. I think you can guess what happened by this point. I remember my parents sitting me down and asking me what happened, and I just cried and never really told them. they decided to let the guy go, and I never saw him since … until that day before my stupid exams.
I just … my world stopped moving … I can’t do it. I did not go to my exam. I went straight home and I cried. Ever since, I just I keep failing my grades. Something in me stopped moving, stopped working, stopped wanting to do the right thing. I just can’t keep up with my studies. I didn’t want to anymore. For some reason, just the sight of the guy made me lose my interest in getting a diploma. A diploma? What would that do? No matter what I do, no matter what I achieve, I will never be anything more than the piece of shit victim that GUY reduced me to.
I wanted to die, but I know I can’t just kill myself. How does that make it right for my parents, my friends, to anyone? First I quit school. I just stopped going. I don’t want anything changing my mind, I don’t want the possible future I could still have. Then I thought of how to do it … If I died of natural causes, nobody would suspect anything right? My parents will not blame themselves, and they would never wonder why I did it. I would be going to the beach this weekend. I just … I don’t know anything anymore.