I want to die. I have been planning my death for two years now. I don’t know what to do. I guess I should explain why first. I was in second-year college that time, enjoying studying and the hardships of exams. Anyway, you get the point.
I was on my way to a math exam. On the way, I have to pass through the mall to buy school stuff when I saw someone I didn’t want to see.
When I was nine or ten, my parents were working on our farm, so I was in charge of watching the house and my little sister. During that time, my parents were having our house renovated. The carpenters were with us in the house most of the time. I don’t want to remember most of the stuff, but I remember one day one of the carpenters decided to play with me and my sister (she was 4/5 years old btw). It was okay at first. He would sit down with us while we play housed and drew.
One day, he decided that we should play in the bedroom for a change and not the living room. I think you can guess what happened by this point. I remember my parents sitting me down and asking me what happened, and I just cried and never really told them. they decided to let the guy go, and I never saw him since … until that day before my stupid exams.
I just … my world stopped moving … I can’t do it. I did not go to my exam. I went straight home and I cried. Ever since, I just I keep failing my grades. Something in me stopped moving, stopped working, stopped wanting to do the right thing. I just can’t keep up with my studies. I didn’t want to anymore. For some reason, just the sight of the guy made me lose my interest in getting a diploma. A diploma? What would that do? No matter what I do, no matter what I achieve, I will never be anything more than the piece of shit victim that GUY reduced me to.
I wanted to die, but I know I can’t just kill myself. How does that make it right for my parents, my friends, to anyone? First I quit school. I just stopped going. I don’t want anything changing my mind, I don’t want the possible future I could still have. Then I thought of how to do it … If I died of natural causes, nobody would suspect anything right? My parents will not blame themselves, and they would never wonder why I did it. I would be going to the beach this weekend. I just … I don’t know anything anymore.
3 thoughts on ““No matter what I do, I’ll always be the victim that guy reduced me to””
You are so much more than a victim. Please, call or text one of the following organizations: http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or http://www.crisistextline.org/ Consider going to a therapist who can help you. You don’t have to feel this way. You are worth it, and there are many people who value you – your parents, family, friends, teachers, etc.
It may help to think of yourself as a SURVIVOR not a victim. You are more than the sum of your experiences.
First, I want to say that you are a valuable human being. Yes, you were victimized by a man that took advantage of you. However, it is up to you to decide if he “wins” or not. You are simply letting him win by keeping all of this to yourself. Tell your parents, tell the police, refuse to allow him to get away with his actions. Think of the others that he may have been inappropriate with and act to save those that he may not have yet victimized. Don’t let him win, go to school, work, live the life you deserve. I am certain that a good therapist can help you put the pieces back together and lead a happy, yes happy, and productive life. You are capable of winning simply by surviving and living. I am not naive enough to suggest that it is not hard, very hard to deal with, but you are a valuable person and being a Christian myself, I know that you exist for a purpose greater than you know at this point. Chase your destiny. I believe there are great things waiting for you in the future.