I’m working on myself to deal with my co-dependent / passive-aggressive baggage, and feel like I’m actually getting somewhere. However, in all the books I’m reading it says I should only do this for myself and not for my partner as such, but I can’t seem to stop worrying if I’m doing the right thing in her eyes. She is leaving me at this point and there are 2 kids in the mix. We’ve been like this for 8 years at this point, and I finally feel I’m getting somewhere, but from her point of view it’s too little too late. That said, we still live with each other, but at the same time I found out the other day she has gone out on one date while she was away (kids with me for a week) and intends on going on more with other guys.
Problem is I also see it from her point of view, but at the same time she has a lot of baggage she isn’t acknowledging, and it’s getting in the way too. And as I get out of my co-dependent space, the more I can’t accept it happening anymore and can’t force things to improve, so I’m stuck and not sure if I’m doing the right thing or completely fooling myself and all it is doing is driving me mental!
She also feels I don’t think there is anything wrong with the things I do, how it affects everyone and that I’m doing nothing to change. So I do doubt if I’m just fooling myself. It’s so difficult to not just go into explaining yet again!
I’m in love with her, I hate the fact that she is hurting from all of this, that my kids are suffering (she includes them in the arguments which I 100% tell her not to and still she does), and yes, there are things that need dealing with but when we aren’t fighting we are amazing together.
LemonVibe 
One thing I’ve learned is that, if a troubled relationship is to have any hope of being fixed, both parties have to be committed to fixing it. Because relationships — even happy, healthy ones — take a TON of work to maintain. And both parties have to be fully committed to maintaining it.
For this reason, if your partner is ready to move on, unfortunately, I don’t think there’s anything you can do about it. You can’t save the relationship on your own. If she doesn’t want to save it — and it sounds like she doesn’t — then I think the best you can do is accept that it’s over and do what you can to move on and start healing.
This is easier said than done, of course. And I get that no amount of advice from anyone — especially anonymous folks on the internet — will likely convince you to do anything that your heart isn’t already set on doing. I know how much it hurts to see someone you love slipping away from you. So please do what you need to do, even if it means that you’re going to hold on as long as you can. Just … somewhere in the back of your mind … stay grounded and accept that odds are, this isn’t going to work out in the end.
Good luck either way. And please come back if you do need some anonymous support.