So I’ve written a blurb before, but things have changed quite a bit since then, and now I’m just as lost as I was before.

I have an immense crush on my coworker. I have for quite a while now. Everyone at work kind of knows Im fond of him. I’m not a particularly friendly person, and I’m usually pretty quiet/shy, so it’s been pretty obvious that I like him. We were fast friends, too. We like all the same things, have the same sense of humor etc.

But since it’s so OBVIOUS that we get along really well, my coworkers tease us constantly and sometimes they can be pretty crude/inappropriate about it.

It’s led to us kind of looking over our shoulder before we talk to each other and sort of pretending to ignore each other sometimes because our coworkers watch us like hawks. We’re their entertainment. My boss has gotten increasingly more rude to me as a result of all this too.

We’re just friends. Flirty friends. We always have been … despite the rumors. We’ve talked about a “friends with benefits” kind of thing just once (in private, after another coworker stirred the thought into existence) – about a week or so ago. We mutually decided that we’d like to — but it’s a really bad idea. This was decided after we both severely overreacted to each other’s hesitation and got into an argument. So the verdict was that it would ruin our friendship, and we dropped it and went back to just being flirty friends.

As friends we really get each other. I’ve lost track of how many inside jokes we have. I can talk about anything with him and not feel judged. He knows I’m not going to hold anything against him no matter how much I disagree. We give each other advice and pep talks and get into philosophical debates. He can read my emotional state in one glance and that terrifies me a little bit.

But as anything else we would clash horribly. Our personal lives are on very different paths. And I’m way WAY too insecure/reserved/cold and he’s just … way too much of a flirt. I’d say “player” but I know how much he loathes being called that. He’s not at all a bad guy. He’s incredibly respectful and compassionate. But his dating record is … a little alarming.

I assumed we would keep that FwB discussion between us — given the way our coworkers act. He knows how I feel about people being up in my business. Despite being pretty open with him I’m actually a very private person. He’s … more of an open book all around. I think he kind of likes the attention.

But after months, MONTHS, of waiting for my coworkers to slowly lose interest in my “love life” SUDDENLY … this week they are back at it. REALLY pressuring him to take me on a date, offering to pay for it for us, pressuring me to admit I want to go on a date with him, pressuring us to sleep together …

He doesn’t get embarrassed the way I do. It’s water off a ducks back to him. He’s different when it’s just me and him than he is when everyone is standing there looking at us. In private he treats me like a delicate Faberge egg when I become unsure of myself. Among them he smiles and laughs it all off and keeps his distance. Everyone is always up in his business, he’s very well liked throughout our workplace, he’s used to it. I’m … not. I’m kind of a misfit in any social situation. I’m mortified. He tells them not to “put me on the spot” (like I’m the only one being put on the spot?) and I end up just getting angry and trying to deny it all because everyone is looking at me and I can’t help but feel like I’m just the butt of some terrible joke. I feel like they are all just waiting for me to admit something out loud so they can laugh in my face like I’m still 12 years old. But I’m a terrible liar and no one buys my denial for a second anyway.

Honestly, everyone knows I have this immense soft spot for him, including him. What no one knows is whether or not he’s into me. Thats the thing that makes me so uneasy.

I would totally willingly get on this rollercoaster if I knew for sure. I already know the rollercoaster would go down in flames, but I would totally go along for the ride if he just gave me a little solid proof of interest. Just a little proof that Im not … a joke.