I absolutely love my husband and believe he is my soulmate. We have gone through some pretty bad times together, but are happier than ever now. We mostly have a very open relationship, where we can talk to each other about many things.
Long story short, I have a minor issue with alcohol, where I lose my shit when I drink alcohol, and just do a bunch of stupid things. I leave a trail of destruction after a night out. I have stopped for three months at a time a few times because I have just hated myself so much after my actions on some nights out. I wish I had been able to stop altogether, but I guess I couldn’t.
I have cheated twice before on my partner when we were dating. At the beginning of our relationship, he used to lie a lot about where he was when out drinking and who he was with. When I would catch him out, he would say it was so I wouldn’t freak out. Just for the record, these actions strung on from his ex, as she would always freak out about him going out etc. I never had a problem with him going out, until the lying started. Anyway, I think these lies really got to me, and when I was super drunk, I acted out. I always felt terrible about it when I did, and I hated myself so much that I quit drinking both times. I was honest and up front about both of these times with him. We moved forward with our relationship, and I tried to control my drinking.
Anyway, fast forward a few years, and we got engaged. My other half really enjoys going out drinking and gambles quite often. Sometimes little, sometimes big. This has really bothered me for a while. We had discussed it in the past, and I really thought that we had worked through this and that I was okay with it. I guess I wasn’t, because one night I went out and cheated, again, while extremely inebriated. Somehow in my state, midway through, I said I couldn’t go through with it anymore, and we stopped and the guy drove me home. He was an ex, and I only had only gotten back in contact with him a few months before. Nothing was exchanged that crossed any lines, until this night. I felt so horrible with myself. Like last time, I literally HATED myself, and the fact that I was able to do this again rocked me to my core and made me so angry and confused. I didn’t know what to do. All I knew is that I couldn’t believe I let myself get to this level of drunk again and create this problem for us all over again. All I wanted was to continue on and make myself better for him and for us and then show him that I would never ever do this again, rather than go through with hurting him and the uncertainty he would face.
So regrettably, I chose not to tell him.
Fast forward a year later, we are now married, and fell pregnant with our first child really soon after. These are both events where I should have come clean before, but I had suppressed the event so far down that I didn’t. I didn’t want it to interfere with who we were. I did make a decision, after that incident, that I would accept him for all of these things and just get over the drinking and gambling. So I have just moved on.
I am about halfway through my pregnancy now, and I’m absolutely livid with myself. I know I have to tell him. I consider myself an honest person and it has literally killed me to keep this for so long now. I think I’ve grown a lot through this pregnancy by not being able to drink. I have grown in a way that I would never have been able to before, and that’s maybe why I never truly learned from my mistakes, and why I continued to make the same mistake.
I have done a lot of soul searching, and I know now that his drinking triggered emotions of instability and abandonment from my childhood (both of my parents were alcoholics and have lost a lot, including us kids, as a result of their drinking). When I drank, that came out within me, and I acted out in a way that I had seen my parents do, by cheating. By no means is this an excuse for my actions, but merely a reason for why I acted in the way I did. I now have finally been able to see this, and recognise that it’s not his fault, and I don’t take the drinking and gambling so personally. This break from alcohol has been life changing for me. Although I never drank every day, even just getting really drunk every weekend blurred my vision of what was truly going on. But I couldn’t stop. I think maybe because everyone around me drinks and I just never had the willpower to say no.
However, with this new insight, I KNOW that I am a changed person, and I will never do those things EVER AGAIN. Not to anyone. I don’t think I have ever been riddled with guilt so much within this past month. I can’t deal with the deceit that I have caused. This is not me.
The reason it’s taken me so long to tell now and not within the last few months, is this is our first child. I don’t want the special moments like the scan to be riddled with this negativity and this mistake. I want it to be pure and beautiful, as it should be. Now, we have a few months before I give birth, and I would like to come clean before we bring a child into this world.
I feel guilty for all of the decisions that I’ve made within the past, but I can’t change them. All I can do is move forward and try to be the most amazing wife and mother. First, I need to give him the choice, if he wants to stick around.
We have spoken recently about all of these issues and revelations that I’ve had lately, without talking about the incident.
I’m so angry at myself, because I know I’ve hurt him. And I wish I wasn’t so stupid! I wish I made better choices. But I didn’t, and now I have hurt someone that I truly love and care about.
I would really like some advice on how to bring this up with him and tell him. Has anyone been through this? How long does it take to restore a relationship after something this terrible?
I already know I’ll get some backlash of how much of a terrible person I am. I really don’t need judgment. I already know he deserves better and that this is a terrible situation. I already know that I have made some pretty stupid decisions, and I already know that some of you think I don’t deserve anything good. But I’m looking for constructive comments that will help me, my husband, and our unborn baby.