“My boyfriend’s ex committed suicide”

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a month now, and I’m absolutely crazy about him. He and I met while we were both in Nashville for music, got coffee and lunch together a couple of times, and just grew really, really close in a short amount of time. He opened up to me, in detail, about his past drug addiction, his exes, etc.

He lives five hours away from me, now. He’s the type to remain friends with everyone, unless they push him out of their lives. Which is great, except for the fact that he still hangs out with two of his exes. Not exclusively, and he’s told me before that he doesn’t have feelings for either of them, and he would never get back together with either girl.

But it still bothers me a little bit. I don’t know. Maybe I’m being jealous? I don’t want to be “that” girlfriend, and I trust him wholeheartedly. I just know what his last ex did to him, and I hate that she expects him to just go on being friends like nothing happened and that he’s willing to do that, for the most part, because he still does want to be friends (since they’re in two bands together).

The biggest issue I have is this:

When he was 15, his girlfriend (and best friend) committed suicide. He never really got over this. Now that we’re in a relationship, he says that he’s finally been allowing himself to deal with it, and it’s been hitting him harder lately than it has in a while. He talks about her and posts Facebook posts about missing her, sends me songs that talk about missing someone you lost, etc. I don’t know how to handle this. I can’t be her. I won’t try. I can’t help but wonder if he’s trying to use me to fill some void inside him that his girlfriend left all those years ago. I also hate that I feel I’m always going to be second-best. He really loved this girl and I can’t and won’t compete with a ghost. What should I do? Am I being wrong?

One thought on ““My boyfriend’s ex committed suicide”

  1. JB says:

    You can’t help how you feel, but know that he can’t do it either. I’ve been in a similar situation and the best you can do is let them know that you are there for them. Make it clear that you are not meant to replace what he’s lost, but that you are there to help him get through it. Let him know how much he means to you and that although grieving for the past, he can’t forget the present. It’s possible that seeing a therapist will do wonders with his grief, especially if he is now suffering heavily.
    Good luck with whatever happens.

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