Mixed Signals (Maybe)?

A bit of context: I’ve always been the nice guy. I mean that in the sense that I like seeing the people around me happy. I connect better with women, so most of my close friends are comprised of women.

I’m in my senior year in college, and many of my friends that are women find me as sort of the “safe” guy. The guy they hug, snuggle up next to, and are just overall overly affectionate. I don’t mind it, but it has given me a muddled perspective of flirting and romantic encounters.

I met this really nice girl recently. A lot of similar interests between us in a lot of weird places. She’s funny, I think she’s beautiful, all that jazz. But recently I’ve been kind of… confused. She’s super affectionate with me when we’re together. She leans on me, curls up next to me when we hang out, we link arms when either of us are too drunk, etc.

But for me, that isn’t much different from what other girls who have NOT been interested in me have done. There are women– friends– that I’ve made out with and done a lot more romantic things with. And this girl (we’ll call her Darsey) hasn’t really done anything out of the ordinary that I can tell that would make me assume she had a thing for me.

She’s always busy, so I don’t get a lot of time with her. When I do, we can’t really get time alone because she lives with one of my friends. I’ve always been deathly afraid of rejection, so this is probably part of my paranoia. I know this probably seems like a pretty childish concern, but I haven’t had much experience with relationships and my confidence is just about at rock bottom. So I guess I just kinda was looking for that extra push in the right direction.

Thanks for your time and words!

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2 thoughts on “Mixed Signals (Maybe)?

  1. PetiteSauvage says:

    [So, here’s what I’ll tell you- and totally understand that this is just my perception based on the little info you’ve given. 1) She’s probably not super interested. 2) You should say something anyway. Here’s the reasoning: in my experience, as a girl who has been a bit confusingly-affectionate, it usually means just what you said- that I truly enjoy spending time with this person and I feel ‘safe’ expressing that enjoyment with closeness, knowing that they aren’t going to suddenly turn into Mr. Hyde on me. I trust them and appreciate them…and that’s usually all it means. If there were more behind her actions, there would be other signs. You didn’t mention them so for now I will assume they don’t exist, but the type of thing I’m talking about includes going out of her way to make time for you, randomly calling or texting to see how you are, etc.

    So, if she’s probably not super interested, why would I tell you to say something? Look- rejection sucks. No one, but NO ONE likes it. It is, however, a part of life and learning to deal with it – and move past it- are important life lessons. You don’t have to confess undying love for this girl right away (I suggest you don’t actually), but it doesn’t hurt to let her know you’d be interested in more. Might she say she isn’t interested? She might. She also might not. Who knows? It will hurt if she says, ‘no’ but the important thing to keep in mind is that this is not a reflection on you or your character. You said your self-esteem is at rock-bottom, but you sound like an awesome person. I mean, clearly you are well-liked and trustworthy and lots of women appreciate you. The thing is, it’s literally impossible to know what someone else is really looking for in a partner. You might have nothing but great qualities and still not be what they want. That’s not your fault, and it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you!
    My suggestion would be to put forward the idea casually, without a lot of fanfare, because it sounds like she’s already comfortable enough with you that this could happen without putting a ton of stress on the relationship. It IS possible to maintain friendships after this- I know. And the fact is, even if this time it doesn’t work out, you’ve forced yourself to go through it once and it gets easier each time. Eventually, you won’t be quite as afraid of rejection, and it’ll make showing your feelings to other girls easier and easier. Trust that one of them will say, ‘yes’ and when that happens, you’ll be glad that you weren’t afraid to ask.

  2. Dennis Hong says:

    [Yeah, exactly what PetiteSauvage said. I’ll also emphasize the part about not making a big fanfare of this. If you’re interested, just say so. But don’t make a big deal about it, because then you’re more likely to just freak her out.

    I think the best way to float the idea is to ask her if she would like to hang out, with just the two of you. That’s sufficiently forward enough to communicate your interest, but not so aggressive that you’ll effectively squash any chance she might have been willing to give you.

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