marriage problems

Well i have a very complicated situation and now have run out of ideas, patients and more or less everything.

I have been with my husband for 4 years we married just over 2.5 years ago. We had a arranged marriage but we did date for 5 months before we decided to get engaged it was not forced it was a mutual decision. With all parties happy.

So what happened … well i grew very close to him quite quick and felt like he understood me and understand my flaws we used to talk a lot before. I had a childhood trauma which i opened up about to him before we made any decisions because i didn’t not want him to get into something he didn’t want. Just like every other relationship we made promises to be there for each other and understand and protect and he said he wanted me to be happy ect.

Then we got married… What then happened was his mother started playing a evil game against me. The very next day she decided that she didn’t want to take part in any of the wedding functions and told me to my face alone and told me to cover for her. So me thinking see testing me ect i did i covered for her and handled everything on my own. Then we went on the honey moon and the husband was not there with me he was there physically but he didn’t care he was lazy and didn’t care about how i felt or what i wanted. I tried to do all the things he would want to keep I’m happy but there was very little he wanted to do. Our intimacy ended within those 2 weeks. I lied to everyone and myself and tried to believe it was okay and it will get better. Then we came back and his family started to ignore me and hide when ever i walked into the house from work. They told my husband that he was financially cut loose from the family. He had worked in the family business for 4 years never got paid and he did another job in theweekedays and they kept all of his money and he never got a dime. He was told he wasn’t good enough for anything and that he couldn’t got to university because it was going to be a waste. He never told me them things before we got married. His father pretended to be my friend and i started to get very ill when i was living with them in the house hold. The mother in law stopped giving me hot water so i had cold water to use in december when it was snowing outside. The doctors told me my blood had thickened and was dangerous i was put on medication but the mother in law said to us that she thought i was lying to them and that there was nothing wrong with me. She also said i was not allowed to go to the hospital as she thought we went out partying midday. Well then she went behind my back stole money from my bags that my family had given to me. She also went through my clothes and everything me and her son had on a daily basis. The father in law stared sending me abusive text messages and whilst we lived in the same house we were singled out. She created a misunderstanding between me and the husband and then when we both realised and were trying to resolve the matter we got into a heated conversation in the house alone and my husband got really confused and thought i was leaving him in the house alone so he stared shouting and told me to leave. So as i was leaving the mother in law grabbed my arm and tried to pull me around i got very upset requested for her to leave my arm but she wouldn’t so i shouted and said please leave my arm alone. I went back o my parents house and stayed there. My mother in law thought i was going to tell my dad so she called him up and behind our backs told him that it was my fault ect ect and put my dad against me. By then i had already told my mother with what was going on bt before she could tell him the mother in law told him her version. Then my mum and dad for the 1st time in my life infant of me started fighting and picking sides and threatening divorce to each other because they were on the opposite sides trying to fix my marriage. With all f that going on my husband tried to make things up and made more promises and with everything going on i went back with him. From that day onwards his family stopped talking to him. They within 3 weeks told us that we were no longer wanted there and told us to leave the house. We tried to save up but it was hard with all the money and gold that i had been stolen and kept by the mother in law. She said to my husband no matter what happens you 2 will get divorced and you will come back running to me no matter what.
So we left the house because they had stopped the hot water again and moved in with my parents. Saved money, then the families had a talk and they gave half of his earnings back to him and with the money i had we bought a house. By this time i did not have time to think about our relationship or change or fix anything because i did not know if there were the problems or if they were what the mother in law had created or just due to the circumstances. But the day we moved into the house i was hurt broken and lost. Everything i was told was a lie and all the promises he made were broken. I felt betrayed by him and his family, and i explained this too him. By now all the talking in the relationships, giving up everything loosing my self respect and image was all done by me. He never once had said anything to his family or me or anything he just sat there quietly like things will sort out themselves. But then i tried to think loosing a family might be hurting him went and apologised for things i never did and said its okay to have a relationship with them even if they don’t want me to be a part of it i will step back no problem. He didn’t want to fix anything with them or me at this stage. Then kept bugging him he made a effort with his family but the mother and the family kept closing the door back on him. He then told me not to tell him to try so i stopped.
But then all we did for the next 1.5 years is live with each other like were house mates. We didn’t talk much had nothing to say was not very intimate with each other or anything. So like usual i tried to spice things up and make things interesting but it all felt like it was a one way street. I eventually got tiered and gave up as it made no difference to him. I then one day realised that he was watching porn every other day and who i spoke to him about this in a casual way he said that it was nothing big and ignored everything else and went to sleep. I felt so hurt and betrayed because of the way he reacted i have no problem with it but then it crossed my ind that I’m not good enough, or if i was doing something wrong ect ect. I then tried hard to get close to him but realised he preferred to plesure himself. This then ended up being intimate 1/2 times in 2 months and one time when i asked him if he had been watching porn the day before or something he lied straight to my face and said he didn’t when he did. Since then nothing is the same. I don’t feel attached to him, when he is inmate its like his having to be and he doesn’t seem like like to have normal sex but prefers oral only. When I’ve tried he falls asleep when i was trying to get him aroused.
The situation now is that i broke couple weeks ago and told him everything openly. He says he wants to change and he has been trying i can eel it but for me it feels like his going to go back to being the way he was. Like in the past i have said to him this is the problem ect he never did anything about it ever and when he said he would things change for a week or 2 and then go back the old ways again. This time I’ve said i will give a chance but I’m finding it hard to i can’t stop thinking every second and moment that he’s going to go back the old ways, He might be intimate now but that because he thinks he has to be and then he won’t. It is so hard i don’t know what to do….

I have told him we need to operate because this isn’t working at all… but he said that I’m the only thing he has left in this world and that he loves me a lot.

I think he does and i do to but he never behaved like a husband and now i just love him as a friend and can’t love him as a husband. Its so hard i want that love and intimacy and closeness and i never got it one time from him in 2 years. We have no good moments in the last 2 years to think and hold on to. I take the financial stress and running the house hold and feel very lonely and sad. I have had 2 panic attack / nervous breakdowns in the last 4 months because i feel like this is what my life will be and it makes me very sad to think that this is it for me. I feel like i have hit a brick wall and thats it. Im expected to live without the love and intimacy and deal with all the problems alone. If anyone who likes me or thinks that I’m worth something talks to me i get so overwhelmed with the feelings and attention that makes me pitty myself and my situation. I was so confident and strong and now I’m the exact opposite. Its like all of this has dragged me down and I’m left with nothing.

pleaseeee if you have any ideas or think of anything that might help please comment.

Thanks.

2 thoughts on “marriage problems

  1. Dennis Hong says:

    [Wow. I’m at a loss here, because I don’t even know where to begin. I can tell you have so many issues going on here, maybe the best you can do for now is focus on one at a time, and then go from there.

    I won’t address the issues with your in-laws, or even with you and your own parents, since it sounds like you have a little more distance from them now and would prefer to work on your marriage.

    To that end, I’m going to start with a simple core question that only you can answer:

    Do you truly believe that your husband does in fact want to work on the marriage? Or is he placating you?

    I consider this to be the most vital question, because if he doesn’t actually want to work to improve the marriage, then there’s nothing you can do, and your only options are then to 1) accept your marriage as is, or 2) leave.

    The next question you have to ask yourself is, do you still want him as a husband? You say you love him, but only as a friend. I mean, there are couples out there who have lost the physical and romantic intimacy, but still manage to make their marriage work, so I can’t say that loving him as only a friend is a dealbreaker. But… is this what you want in a marriage? If not, are you willing to put in the effort to rekindle the romance?

    If so — and if you believe your husband is also on the same page — I think the first thing you both need to accept is that this is something you have to work on together. This isn’t a matter of your husband fixing one thing, or you fixing something else. It’s a matter of both of you agreeing on what your issues are and working together to fix them. And then you also have to accept that it may take years and years to mend everything that has been broken at this point. There aren’t going to be any simple, quick-fix solutions for you.

    To that end, if you’re still on board with my suggestions at this point, then I recommend that you seek out a marriage counselor. Given the severity of your issues, no one on the internet is going to be able to work with both you and your husband in a close enough way to help. Only someone you see in person on a regular basis will be able to help you through that.

    Also as important, a counselor will be able to offer you help as an impartial third party, which is what you really need right now. Both your families are too heavily involved in — and contributing to — the problems you’re facing, so it doesn’t sound like you’ll have anyone who can be objective about your situation. I think you really need that right now.

    So yeah, that’s my suggestion. Determine if both you and your husband are willing to fix your marriage. And if so, float the idea of going to a marriage counselor together. Because this is something only you and your husband can fix together.

    I do wish you the best of luck with this.

  2. Dennis Hong says:

    [A friend of mine read your post and had this to say:

    “She needs to move out on her own. The husband isn’t doing anything for her self esteem, making it all the harder to look at things clearly.
    She needs to move, not tell any of these interfering family members where she is, and (if she REALLY wants to) after a few weeks of just her, start going to counselling with her husband.
    She needs distance, perspective, breathing space and to rediscover the woman she was before all this emotional abuse broke her down.”

    Not sure how viable a solution that is, but… maybe it’s worth considering.

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