Father daughter relationship

So, my father was abusive growing up. I have been able to forgive him for this. We have a better relationship than we once did. He cheats on my mother. I caught him a few years back with one woman. I told my sister’s about what I had found out. They were initially appalled. Then they talked to him. I was told it was “not as bad as I thought” that mom knew abd it would never happen again. I was told not to bring it up with mom. I got the message loud and clear. My mother is not dumb. She has caught him in lies in front of me. At first she is angry and asks questions. Then she comes up with the excuses FOR HIM. My mother has always put hinge above all, including us. She didn’t protect us from him, we would be yelled at, for “making him angry enough”. I have forgiven then both, I love my mother with all my heart. She is the only person in the world I love as much as my children, not even my husband. He still cheats, with another woman. They was another in between. He is basically doing it right in front of everyone. I honestly think it is wreaking more havoc on my life, and my emotions than those involved. Even my own relationship with my husband. For this I can’t forgive him. He has her total love and devotion, and he doesn’t deserve it. But even if I were to tell my mother. I am sincerely concerned, no, scared to death, that she would call me a liar just to protect him and her ignorant bliss. I couldn’t stomach the thought of losing her. So what do I do? This consumes my thoughts on a regular basis. Like I think about it at least once a day. How do I move on and find my own happiness?

One thought on “Father daughter relationship

  1. Dennis Hong says:

    [Wow, this is a tough situation to be in, and I’m sorry it’s affecting your life like this. Without knowing the specifics of your mother and father’s relationship, I can’t tell you what exactly you can say to get her to stop defending him or looking the other way.

    What I can say, though, is that she probably needs your support more than your judgment at this point. It could be that she feels too attached or dependent on him, and she’s more afraid of being alone than being with an abusive cheater. From an outsider’s perspective (and yes, even immediate family members are outsiders to your mother and father’s marriage), it’s easy to say, “OMG, why do you put up with this?!? Just leave him already!” But when you’re the one in the relationship, it’s much harder to walk away. That’s why we do see people stay in abusive relationships far longer than logic or reason would dictate. Sadly, it’s a pretty common occurrence.

    Having said that, is there a way you can nurture a closer relationship with your mom, separate from your dad? I think that’s the best you can do right now. Make sure you build trust with her, and make sure you let her know that no matter what happens, you’ll be there for her. (Well… you will, right?) Instead of getting frustrated with her, understand the situation from *her* perspective. This is the man she married and obviously still loves — and probably is the one person she still feels the closest to. How can you build a close relationship with her, too, so that she feels like she has enough of a support system to do what she needs to do?

    I think that should be your goal for now. Don’t tell her what to do and expect any changes… yet. Be her support first.

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