want to date a younger guy

Ok so I have a huge dilemma

Until last year I had been in an abusive marriage for 20 years. I planned an escape and one of my very very long-time friends (a guy, let’s call him Mac) helped me through the ordeal. Once I was settled in a women’s shelter, I had no contact with him – he was also in a relationship (although short-term) at the time.

Now a year has gone by and after separation, legal proceedings and lots of other hassles, I find myself finally settling down in life – I still have some way to go, but I’m ready to pick myself up and start living life again. Mac (now single) was in contact with me recently and we met up for dinner with a few other friends, we had a lot of catching up to do, and I still had not thanked him for all he had helped me through. We’ve got a few more outings with friends planned for the next few weeks, so I should be seeing him again quite soon.

My dilemma is this – I had never thought of Mac in ANY romantic way whatsoever, but now I find myself thinking about him quite often, in quite a romantic way! Only problem is that he is 10 years younger than me. I have thought long and hard about certain implications, such as me potentially not being able to give him what he might want in life (such as a family of his own, since I’m soon approaching menopause). I don’t want to waste his time if he wants to find someone younger to start a family with etc etc etc. Also, I have a child of my own, and although they get along like a house on fire, he might not want to be burdened with such a responsibility. In a nutshell, I don’t want to impose myself in his life if he has other life goals.

I’ve been told by my sister that it is presumptuous of me to decide for him, and he might want to be with me after all, but I still don’t even know if he has any interest! I obviously don’t want to ask him myself, because if there is no interest, I don’t want to make our great friendship awkward. I want to let things run their natural course, but at the same time I want to hint to him that I’d be open to the idea of starting something slowly.

I feel like a teenager again lol! I truly don’t know what to do!

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One thought on “want to date a younger guy

  1. Dennis Hong says:

    [Just a couple of things….

    Given how you described the situation, my first concern is that you’re attracted to him because he was there for you when you were the most vulnerable, and in some ways, you feel like he’s your savior. Not that there’s anything wrong with this, of course. But my first suggestion is to try to temper your feelings if you can. I think it’s easy to see him as everything that your abusive ex-husband wasn’t, so it’s natural that you’ll start to develop feelings for him.

    Point being, keep in mind that he’s going to have his flaws, too. 🙂

    Then again, if you truly are interested in him, I think you just have to go for it. The problem is that if you don’t go for it, you’ll keep romanticizing him, and your feelings will keep festering inside of you and get stronger and stronger. Instead, I think you need to figure out pretty quickly whether it’s worth it to let these feelings grow, and snip them off asap if it’s not worth it (i.e., he’s not interested, or you’re ultimately not compatible).

    So… you go for it, and if he likes you, you see if this can actually work out. And if he doesn’t, you get over the sting and move on.

    In my opinion, the worst thing you can do right now, especially given my first concern above, is to just sit and wait. Because I can totally see your crush growing to the point of idealized fantasy, and then it’s going to be *really* hard to let go.

    I agree with your sister, though. It’s presumptuous of you to decide for him, and in a way, I think you’re only bringing this all up out of fear of rejection — you’re trying to make excuses *not* to pursue something with him, when you know that deep down, you really do want to.

    Point being, if you think you really have feelings for him, do something about it. 🙂 Good luck!

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