What are his intentions?

What are his intentions?

So I’ve been friends with this guy Chuck for 15 years. He’s my ex-husbands ex-band mate(they toured extensively together for a least 10years), he was the witness at my wedding and is my son’s godfather (in name only). We’ve always gotten along and have an underlying admiration and affection for each other. He’s always been there for me, defended me, supported me, and has generally shown that he cares for me. I’ve been divorced from my ex for 5years and over that time, Chuck and I have developed a more independant relationship (from my ex) through sporadic phone calls, as he lives in another city. Over the past 6 months or so he’s been jokingly saying that he and I should get married, but we can’t because I’m so and so’s ex-wife. The last time we spoke of the topic, we basically delineated what living together would be like. Recently I travelled to another city to see him and he was thrilled to see me. We went bar hopping and it was like we were on a date. He held my hand and he kept kissing me on the cheek and giving me hugs. (He has never been affectionate with me in the past.) However, he also kept introducing me to people as so and so’s wife and I kept correcting him, “ex-wife.” He also did something REALLY sweet and generous for me while I was there. My question is: Is he interested in being more than friends? Why would a guy be affectionate with a buddy’s ex if he just saw her as a friend? He kept extending his hand to cross the street and such. I really suck at relationship stuff and any input would be appreciated. Maybe he was just drunk? I told him to come visit and he said he would.

12 thoughts on “What are his intentions?

  1. Anna says:

    [From what you have written sounds like he is into you but might hesitant because you are so and so’s ex wife. But it also seems to me that you like him as well. Do you feel like you could talk to him about what your relationship is and can lead to?And if you are into him why not take the initiative?

  2. Dan says:

    [Sounds like a connection for sure. It seems like you’re at a stage in life where you can just have a blunt conversation and get the answers you need. Hopefully he can handle you when you get direct. Time to just put it all out there. You will know in short order based on his responses…. As always, if he hesitates be gone.

    Also, are you or him prepared to move? Good luck!!

    • Dan says:

      [Well, I was just messing around with Gravitar and couldn’t find anything . One thing lead to another and then this… I need to replace it but it looks enough like me I couldn’t resist! So it’s worse than I imagined?

  3. resullins says:

    [I agree with the above posters. He’s definitely into you, but probably feels guilty. He will probably be stuck at this stage for a while, and it’s going to be on you to push the next step, if that’s what you want.

    That being said, be prepared for him to reject you out of guilt. He obviously likes you… but he obviously feels bad about this, too.

    • Paratruck says:

      [Thanks for the comments. I think that I’m just as confused by my own feelings. Thanks to Anna & Dan for the votes for maturity and to Resulins for your insight, I think you hit the nail on the head.

    • Dennis Hong says:

      [I think it’s totally understandable to be confused by your own feelings in a case like this. But I also think that that means you should give it a shot. It sounds to me like you definitely have a connection, and I feel like if you don’t at least see where this takes you, you might always end up wondering what-if.

      Personally, I think the comment about wanting to get married, but can’t, is a total giveaway that he’s interested, but is afraid to make the first move. Honestly, I think he’s saying that to put the idea out there, in the hopes that someone will say to him, “Why should it matter? If two mature adults are into each other, why can’t they pursue a relationship, regardless of their past history?”

      Could you be that someone?

      See, it’s a safe way for him to feel you out without putting himself in a vulnerable spot. If you laugh and/or make a squirmy face, he can brush it off as a joke. But if you seem like you might genuinely be open to the idea… woo hoo. I think that goes perfectly with Resullins’s suggestion that he might be feeling guilty, or even afraid.

      To that end, maybe it might be worth bringing this up with him. Go ahead and make plans with him (I think you should definitely extend the personal invite again), and if he does in fact come out to see you, that will certainly be a good sign. Maybe what you both need right now is mutual assurance that this is something you both want to pursue. And… well, that’s going to entail someone making the first move….

      As for your ex, I know I’m not like most people when it comes to this particular issue, but I really do believe there’s nothing wrong with dating a friend’s ex… or an ex’s friend. I mean, should anything come of this, I think you should definitely tell him. But hey, why not cross that bridge when you get there?

      Good luck, and please feel free to keep us updated on this!

  4. MargieCharles says:

    [I agree with everyone else, and it definitely sounds like he’s interested in you. What has your response been when he says you’re off limits? Because it sounds like he’s waiting for you to give the go ahead and tell him that you are not off limits.

    Would this potentially make things messy with your ex? Because he might feel like he needs the green light from your ex as well.

    • Paratruck says:

      [Thanks for explaining the “let’s get married” comments, Dennis, it makes sense. Things wouldn’t be messy between the ex and I, but I definitely feel like Chuck would need some kind of approval from him. All the comments have made me realize that this whole thing is in my court. I will invite him again and I’ll let you guys know if and when we get married. ; ). Thanks for all the insight!

    • Dennis Hong says:

      [Yes. Definitely many balls bouncing around in your court right now, I would say…. 🙂

      Good luck!

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