FWB Break Up

I’ve been hanging out with a guy for about six months, nothing serious but we saw each other every week. The last time we hung out, I started to feel a little bored. Once you know someone for a while, you either begin to like them more, or less. I was liking him less. Nobody’s feelings were going to get hurt, so I decided to sorta phase him out. Stop hanging out so much and just let it drift apart.

Well this week, he didn’t get in touch to hang out like he always does. One thing I can say about this guy, though he never owed me anything (nor I, him), he was always consistent. He always made plans a day or two beforehand, every single week, and I’d come to expect that because it was our routine.

I found myself wondering what happened so I texted him “Hey so, could you not hang out this week, or did you not want to?” I knew the answer before I even asked it. He apologized for not getting in touch and said he’d been busy, and asked if I had time to talk on the phone. I said “Just say it, it’s no big deal.” And he told me “I met a girl that lives around here [we’re about a 45 minute drive away] and we hit it off. I want to become more serious with her so I don’t think we should see each other anymore. I’m sorry.”

I told him he didn’t have to be sorry, it’s good! And I appreciate him wanting to tell me on the phone like an adult. We had fun while it lasted, and good luck with his new lady! He said thanks, he had fun too, etc., we exchanged “take care”s and that was it.

So why is my ego bruised?

I wanted to be the one to break things off. Instead, he got to do it. I guess it’s a power thing. He leaves the situation feeling like “I hope I didn’t hurt her too badly” and I hate that he gets to feel that way. I wanted to feel that way. I don’t like when people get to think they’ve hurt me.

I have this upset feeling, and it’s not about him, it’s about me. I’m glad to have broken it off cleanly and politely; But I’m jealous he found someone he likes and I haven’t yet. And for however casual the relationship was, butterflies or no butterflies, we had still gotten really comfortable with each other. I lost a pal, so there’s still a sense of loss.

What do you guys think? Anyone experienced this weird “I’m not hurt, but I’m feeling hurt” kind of thing?

6 thoughts on “FWB Break Up

  1. Joanna says:

    [Finding someone to pursue a regular relationship is not a race. Not everyone meets their significant other at the same time. Sometimes a person may luck out early on and sometimes it takes a while. I encourage you to just truly be single for a while as in no FWBs etc. I think when you have the “safety blanket” of a FWB it doesn’t allow you to fully engage yourself in meeting new people and experiencing what being your own person is all about. One has to learn to stand alone before he/she can be with someone.

    I also think if you’re willing to be FWB with someone, you are cheating yourself out of meeting someone who truly might be your boyfriend. I know this is a cliche saying but I find it very true. A guy won’t buy the cow if he can get the milk for free. So demand more (ie a relationship) of potential mates and you will find what you’re looking for.

  2. Anna says:

    [I feel you on this, itís very normal to feel that ego bruise thing, and that jealous feeling(kind of speaking from experience here ūüôā ) It might be because you were going to dump him and fade out but he did it first. Also the fact that he is seeing someone else adds to the ego bruising factor because you might have thought that you would be the first one to find someone. People think in complicated ways. It was also an abrupt stop and didnít phase out like you hoped, which put you out of control of that situation, most people like a sense of control Ö could be part of it.

    Even with FWBs there is still that connection, because you are intimate with someone, it is consistent and we humans like consistency and not too much change.

    But if I had to give you advise Iíd say, it is normal to feel that Ďhurt but I am not hurtí feeling even though you knew it wasnít going anywhere. Iíd say once you are done with those feelings of hurt and possibly disappointment, move on, find someone who you actually want to spend time with and who is not just a convenience. Itís not fair on both parties to end up in a relationship where there are no real feelings, because that is a start of a very unhappy marriage.

    While life happens and relationships are not a race, FWBs can be a lot of fun, but maybe evaluate what you want from relationships and run with that. All the best

  3. resullins says:

    [I have to say first, that I’ve been there, and I understand how you feel. However, that being said, I will give you the same advice I give myself: “Get over it.”

    You had a thing. It was a good thing. It was a thing that you both were happy with. It ended. It ended in a way you were also both happy with. You said it yourself. The only thing wrong with this situation is that he bruised your ego, and frankly, that’s a get-over-it moment if I’ve ever seen one. You’re not hurt, he wasn’t mean, he just left you with your cheese hanging out in the wind, so to speak. And frankly, that’s ok.

    I’m going to guess that he’s not that hung up on whether or not he hurt you. He’s thinking about this new girl, and that’s good for him. Just because you wanted the power doesn’t change the fact that this is NOT inherently a power play. If he had been a little bitch about it, I could justify your feelings.

    I guess what I’m trying to say (not very eloquently) is that this situation boils down to intent. There can be no power shift if there was never an intention to seize the power.

    Take what you learned from this “thing” and move on.

  4. EricaSwagger says:

    [I do appreciate advice from all three of you above, but I wasn’t necessarily looking for it. I posted the blurb in “relationship talk” in hopes that I’d be validated by other people’s experiences. I just needed to know that the way I’m feeling isn’t completely bonkers; that others understood the strange cocktail of emotion that comes with ending a casual relationship. I won’t have a problem getting over it or moving on, it’s not about that. It was just weird how it all ended so suddenly, and my own reaction was unexpected by me.

    Joanna, you’re certainly right that he was getting the milk without buying the cow, but that’s almost a sexist way to think about it. I, too, was getting the milk for free, and that’s not a bad thing.

    However, until this ended, I didn’t realize that I actually am ready for something more concrete and serious. My jealousy came from the fact that I guess I’ve kind of been expecting something “real” or someone “worth it” to just fall into my lap. He won’t, but at least now I know what I want.

  5. nightowl says:

    [I just thought I’d say yep I hear you on this one; I have had a kind of similar experience. I met a guy and we really clicked. After a month or so, he told me he had feelings for me but said we should just be friends as we both had stuff to sort out. Things carried on, we texted all the time, met up for coffee etc. It was fun. Then we had a few drinks and hooked up one night (nothing serious) but after that things got a bit weird. Although we both admitted we probably made a mistake and we should’ve just stayed friends, neither of us knew what we wanted. He went away the weekend after, and we were supposed to talk about it when he got back. However on his trip away he ended up meeting up with an ex and hooking up with her! I was really gutted that he could do that so easily after being with me the week before, especially when we hadnít sorted things out. Even more than that – he was pretty sure he only wanted to be friends with me – saying things like it’s not you it’s me, and then a week later he was really keen on another woman, so really itís not him at all it was me! I asked him to meet up with me to clear the air and he said no, that we needed a break. I said fine I won’t contact you again (I wasn’t as polite as you I couldn’t even bring myself to say I hope you are happy with her !) and deleted his numbers. He contacted me a few weeks ago (which was about two months after we stopped talking) to ask how my mud run went. We texted a bit about Tough Mudder and that was it. I am not sure if he is with the other woman or not.
    I know the situation is quite different to yours, but I just wanted to say you are not alone in feeling the way you do! No matter what Ė rejection hurts – in whatever shape or form, even if as in your situation it was all very amicable, and you had intended to break it off anyway. When you have been spending time with someone on whatever level and then you stop, of course there is a sense of loss. I felt really gutted; not only had I been rejected, but I lost a good friend. I think what really stood out for me is that you said ĎI donít like it when people get to think theyíve hurt meí. It would be worth thinking about why you feel this way, because itís not really about what he thinks or feels, itís about how YOU feel. What bothers you more Ė actually having a bruised ego and feeling hurt – or that he walks away thinking that he hurt you? Also, he seems like a nice guy, wanting to do the right thing etc, I would say that he probably doesnít feel great if he does think he hurt you.
    I did a lot of thinking about my situation because it really brought up a lot of stuff for me. I was pissed off that he told me he had feelings for me, and then when I possibly started to feel something back, he found someone else. I also hated the fact that he walked away thinking Ďoh poor her she wanted a relationship with me that I couldnít give herí. I am not sure what I wanted but I never got to find that out. And I hate the idea of them living in happy-new-relationshipland because it meant that basically he picked her not me, even if I wasnít sure I wanted to be with him anyway!! I think you have come to your own conclusions about the whole thing, but I just wanted to say yep I know how you feel!

    • bune says:

      [I’m dealing with a similar situation. I hit it off with a guy and we pretty much were inseparable for about 6 months. We messed around a few times but never became a “couple”. I was so used to his good morning texts and communicating/hanging out everyday that when he suddenly started drifting away, it hurt bad. I asked him about it and he said he’s been busy and that I shouldn’t be upset that he has a life to live. Ouch. It’s been about 2 weeks since we’ve had any communication. So ya, I definitely have been dealing with feeling rejected, bummed out, and confused. I miss him a lot but I know it doesn’t do any good trying to figure out what went wrong. Just gotta let it go and be glad that I have more time now to meet a guy who isn’t using me as a placeholder.

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