How often should I hear from my boyfriend?

I have been with my boyfriend for about eight months now. We’re both pretty busy with work and school, so since the beginning of the relationship, neither of us has ever felt like we needed to talk to the other person every day. He’s fine with that, and I’m perfectly happy with it, too. I’m pretty independent and like having time to spend with my friends and myself.

The thing is, lately I’ve started to wonder if this is normal for a relationship. When we see each other, everything is great, but there are times when we will go five or six days without having any contact with each other at all, especially during the week. Usually I’ll text him once or twice during the week, and he will reply and everything will seem fine. But this week, I was pretty busy myself and never texted him. And I just realized I haven’t heard from him now since last Sunday. Now, I trust him and all, and this is NOT a red flag that he might be seeing someone else. I just don’t know if it’s normal for two people in a relationship to have so little contact with each other. And I’m starting to feel like I’m the only one who’s concerned about this.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can express my concerns to him? I’ve tried hinting to him that it seems weird we can go for almost a full week without having any contact with each other, but like I said, he seems to think that’s perfectly okay.

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8 thoughts on “How often should I hear from my boyfriend?

  1. Joanna says:

    [My boyfriend and I only see each other on weekends now because he’s so busy with work during the week and we don’t live together. Sometimes we’ll talk on the phone for like 5 minutes during the weekdays and sometimes we won’t.

    If you’re not happy with the frequency he calls/texts you then maybe you should take initiative and contact him.

  2. resullins says:

    [This is really not normal. Maybe at the very beginning of a relationship, but not when you’ve been together for the better part of a year. However, the bigger issue isn’t whether or not it’s normal, but it’s that you’re obviously not happy with the arrangement.

    I feel like taking the initiative here won’t solve your problem. If you ALWAYS have to take the initiative, you’re going to start to resent that, and it will become an issue. You have to bring this up with him, and you have to do it in a more aggressive way than what you’ve been doing.

  3. Matt Sanchelli says:

    [There’s definitely something not natural about the frequency you’re in contact, especially since you’ve been together for 8 months.

    That far into a relationship I’d want to be in contact with my SO almost every day, to every other day, even if it is just a quick text here, and a short 5 minute phone call there.

    Going a week without any contact is a bit…absurd. Particularly if that time frame elapsed largely because you didn’t take initiative to contact him first.

    Do you live in the same city? How often do you actually see each other?

    I understanding being busy with school, work, other friends etc.; but being in a relationship with someone essentially puts the understanding that you’ll always make time for that person. They should be that important to you. Even when I was away for work; after working a 10 hour day, and feeling sick, I still called my fiance to talk for 5 minutes before crashing for the night.

    It’s not really that hard.

    Take a step back and really look at all of the times you’re reaching out to him to begin conversation and contact.

    Tell him that it has begun to bother you that the two of you rarely have any contact during the week. If he doesn’t take you seriously, then maybe you should stop taking him seriously.

  4. Anna says:

    [I think normal is what you define for yourself.

    But with that being said, since you are questioning your communication it might not be normal for you. I would recommend coming up (for the lack of a better word) what your expectations are in relationships. These might be ones that you have already communicated, the ones that have changed over the past 8 months and the ones that you might not be actively aware of. I say that because at times people think that they want x, y and z in a relationship but things change and expectations change based on life circumstances, past experiences and the current situations, if that makes sense.

    But till you know what your expectations are, you might not be able to communicate them effectively. And once you know what you want to tell him, I would say have a conversation with him and go from there.
    All the best!

  5. Miriana Young says:

    [I definitely agree with Anna. Normal is what you consider it to be.

    The thing about trying to “Hint” at things with men is that they really need to have it spelled it out for them. I love my fiancee to no end but he can be pretty oblivious.

    Just talk to him without any nervousness, its just a concern you’re having. If you would like his input ask him right out like “What do you think about ….” or “Do you like….” if you ask yes or no questions you’ll end up having more questions then answers. Lol

    Overall, It seems you like the dynamic of your relationship. You know, being about to hang out with friends, not really being attached at the hip. Doing your thing while he’s busy. All that Jazz.
    You just want some more acknowledgement and communication from his end. It shouldn’t really be a difficult conversation to have. Hope the talk goes well!

  6. Dan says:

    [Normal is what you think it should be. Every relationship is different, sure. But bottom line, when I’m into a girl I find time to communicate with her. It’s important to me that she knows I’m thinking about her. If she doesn’t get that from me then I failed (this works both ways of course!). Unless my job requires 80 hours per week then I don’t see the excuse, but even then how hard is a quick “I miss you” text?! Everyone is being very kind, IMHO.

  7. MargieCharles says:

    [Are you okay with this arrangement or not? From what I gathered it seems like you’re okay with the frequency, but you’re just worried whether you’re abnormal and if this somehow means your relationship is lacking in love. From what I can tell, every time you text him he texts back, yes? And it seems like sometimes the long stretches of noncommunication are because you aren’t texting him either, correct?

    On the one hand, it kind of seems like you’re trying to find an issue where there is none. If this arrangement has worked this long for you guys so far and you’re both happy with it, there’s no reason to suddenly start second guessing whether this is normal, because you guys define what is normal within your relationship. On the other hand, how are you feeling in the relationship? Happy? Satisfied? Do you have doubts? Are you second guessing whether you want to be in the relationship? Because your sudden misgivings surrounding your frequency of communication could be because you are second guessing other aspects of your relationship, and this is your way of projecting.

    My advice would be to focus less on the frequency of your communication, and focus more on why you’re worried about it eight months into the relationship when you’ve both been fine with it previously.

    • jomamma says:

      [GREAT QUESTION!

      I’m trying to figure it out myself. Sounds like both of you are pretty independent and are a good match. And when you text him he’s there for you so I guess I wouldn’t worry if he doesn’t reach out first or can go longer. Though I think calling is a better – more intimate way to reconnect after a busy week.

      My sitch is that sometimes he’ll skip a day and not contact me and I feel neglected – but then I hear from him and everything is great so I don’t know if I want to confront this or make a big deal about it b/c it might be my thing — I had a boyfriend in the past get mad about this, “I don’t see why I have to call you every day!” and I said, “you don’t!” and broke up with him…. I don’t want to do that this time.

      Also, I’m not sure if I’m not the littlest bit co-dependent by nature and if it’s on me to do some work with being more secure and not needing the constant check ins. We’ve been together for 2 years and at one point we were texting all day long every day and that got to be a bit much for him – like he enjoyed it, we have hilarious convos but he needed more time to himself so I’m trying to pull back and not feel neglected. Make sense?

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