Oldest Friendships at Stake

Alright – this blurb isn’t about love and the opposite sex!! Surprising for me since joining on here, I know!

My oldest friends, 15 years of friendships here are in jeopardy – and I need some advice.

I am the only single person in my group of friends, and this causes some tension when it comes to outings. I’m never invited to ‘ticketed’ events – concerts, ball games, tennis matches, what have you because its easier for 6 people , three couples, to go, then eat the cost of the 6th ticket and invite me. I am also never invited to nights in ( games nights etc) because of the odd number it causes. I also have a different work schedule then they do, as I’m typically not Monday-Friday. I have always made time to go visit them in their new houses, and new neighborhoods, and made a conscious effort to show up for important events. They do not do the same for me. Plans that I make with them out my way are always cancelled, or opted for closer to the majority, and my birthday is always an event that I celebrate mostly on my own, save a few other friends that aren’t from back in the day.

I have made it known I don’t appreciate the feeling of being ‘left out’ when it comes to events, or outings or weekends away simply because I’m just one person, and not a couple. My best friend insured me it had nothing to do with being single, just simply worked out that way that the couples end up doing stuff together.

My conversation with this gf was brought up when I heard that two of the couples were planning a trip to one of the guys time shares in the Dominican Republic. I asked my best friend if this was something open to all the friends as a fun trip away, or if it was only limited to couples. She said she was going to ask what the capacity was for the condo and then she would get back to me.

Fast forward to last week, and I have the time booked off and the money saved for the flight, and I find out they are leaving Sunday, and its all couples going, and I wasn’t even asked. 8 of my closest friends were leaving on a trip to the Dominican, and my best friend didn’t even think to mention it to me – didn’t even bring it up. I assumed that there was no room for more people (aside from the original 4) so I didn’t press the issue.

I found out that the couples were going on the Wednesday, and didn’t even say anything to my best friends – no Bon Voyage, no have fun, no nothing. I was so unbelievably insulted by the whole thing.

These people tell me that I don’t need a significant other to be happy or fulfilled in my life, yet they are the very same people who discriminate me because I can’t bring an ‘even’ number to the group.

How do I go about this? Do I bring it up? Do I just leave it alone? Is it worth a fight with my oldest friends, and possibly losing the people I spend most of my life with?

I know this all sounds so juvenile, but when it comes down to it, these people mean the most to me out of any of my friends, and I can’t help but feel left out and completely hurt about the whole situation.

Thoughts?

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10 thoughts on “Oldest Friendships at Stake

  1. EricaSwagger says:

    [I don’t think it’s juvenile, your feelings are definitely valid. I’d certainly feel the same if I were in your shoes.

    However… we differ on one major point.

    I wouldn’t WANT to be the 3rd wheel. Or the 5th or the 7th or the 9th… It just doesn’t sound like fun to me. Maybe (maybe) during the day when everyone is out and about doing different things, I could convince myself that we’re all a big group rather than couples and odd-me-out. But most likely — and especially at night — I’d be painfully aware that everyone is in twos, and then we’d all head off to bed in twos, except me…

    It just doesn’t sound like any kind of good time.

    I think it’s more practical to call and make plans with your old friends one on one. Spend time with them individually. Get coffee, go shopping, whatever. Or, instead of worrying about why your old friends aren’t inviting you to stuff, plan more things with your new friends, the ones who actually cared enough to spend your birthday with you. That’s who I’d want to devote my time and friendship to. The people that have proven to be there for me. I wouldn’t worry about people who don’t seem to be making any effort to keep you in their lives.

    Sometimes friendships fizzle. It’s the same as with any relationship. You can’t force someone to care about you. You’ve tried but they’re not trying back. Might just be time to move on.

  2. Dennis Hong says:

    [Ugh. I’m sorry, but these sound like horrible friends.

    Actually… wait, that’s not true. They don’t sound like friends at all.

    Seriously, I understand that when you’re in a relationship, sometimes you just automatically fall into doing “couple-y” stuff. But, it’s really not that hard to be inclusive. And it sounds like your “friends” are not only not making the effort to include you, they’re in fact purposely excluding you. And that, to me, is pretty messed up.

    I agree with what Erica said above: People change, friendships come and go. Just because these people are your oldest friends doesn’t mean that they should still be your closest friends. Hell, some of my closest friends today are people I’ve only known for three or four years.

    I know it’s easier said than done, but I think it’s time to find some new friends. Are there any interests or hobbies that you have that you could join clubs and organizations for? I know that, for me, those have been a good source of making new friends with common interests….

  3. karlos says:

    [Yeah, these guys kind of sound like dicks.

    Like Dennis said, it seems like they’re purposely trying to exclude you. Game nights aren’t exactly hard to do with 5 people, do they own Monopoly?

    Give them some space and see if they message you, if they don’t, well it speaks volumes about what they think of your friendship.

    Then poop in a bag and leave it on their doorsteps, because when you’re hurting, being childish is totally acceptable.

  4. Jacs77 says:

    [Sometimes I wonder if they feel that I ‘Just don’t understand’ how its like to be in a relationship, or they pass off their games night in’s , or cheap pub nights with the other couples as ‘boring’ just to not hurt my feelings.

    I guess perhaps, I haven’t really had the need to ‘grow up’ in the sense of knowing how to live with someone, or be co-dependant or in love and all that jazz…but I never really truly thought it would be this big of a divide.

    We all grew up in the same city, same high school, but fortunately for them, their time after high school was debt free and jobs were being thrown at them due to good ol’ nepotism….am I jealous of the lives they have now? A little. But I recognize that I don’t have these things yet for a reason.

    I always promised myself no matter how much money I had, or how far away I moved, I would keep in touch with those that meant allot to me. Perhaps as those things haven’t happened I don’t know if I would keep my word, and I would be friends with these people, but I am far too nice a person , and think far to highly of myself to think I would follow through.

    Oh well – time for a new group me thinks. *tear*

  5. Happy Pants says:

    [To me, the way I read this was basically, “These people treat me like crap because I don’t have a significant other.” It doesn’t matter that they feed you lines like “you don’t need someone to be happy,” because they’re excluding you from activities based on the fact that you’re single. Not telling you about the trip? LAME. You don’t need to be friends with people like that. If you insist on staying friends with these people and hanging out with them, why not plan a girls only night, for everyone? No couples, just the girls. The guys can do the same thing.

    Even in relationships or married, people should make time to hang out with their friends, namely you. I know it’s difficult when you’re essentially tethered to another person, but it is possible to leave your SO to hang out with someone else for a while. Unless you’re literally tethered to your SO, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention and make sure to get good money for the rights to your story that Grey’s Anatomy will inevitably buy.

  6. DavidIsGreat says:

    [Friendship comes in waves sometimes as you get older. These guys don’t sound amazing based on your description, but it doesn’t mean you can’t/won’t/shouldn’t be friends again down the line. Just saying, don’t get rid of them entirely, just find others, ya know?

  7. lilredbmw says:

    [With friends like these, who needs enemies?

    These kids aren’t your friends any more. Or, that is what I am taking from the whole thing. However, they don’t have the balls to just come out and say it, so they are pussy-footing around. No thanks, in my opinion. Sometimes friendships don’t stick. Maybe it is because they are in relationships and they only want to hang out with singles because they prefer to socialize with other co-dependents. Or whatever. But using excuses that things can only be done in couples is ridiculous. I know 15 years is a long time to have friendships. But at a certain point is it really worth saving something when it just hurts you? You can speak up, but it sounds like they might not be receptive. I tend to feel that people who use lame excuses will continue to use lame excuses.

  8. Maracuya says:

    [I would just … pull the fade on them. If they’re like, “Hey, Jacs77, where have you been?” then you know you’re important to them. Otherwise, move on. To me it sounds like they’re expressly avoiding inviting you to events. You know what, Jacs77’s friends? If there’s a ticketed event, just buy another ticket. I was pretty sure that in most places you don’t buy tickets by 2s. They suck.

  9. Solstice says:

    [I just saw this tonight, but I agree with everyone else. I’m also the only single one in my group of friends that live around here, and sometimes I feel I don’t get invited to things because people forget about me since I’m not part of a couple. There’s one friend who is very nice and I know he would never not invite me to things on purpose, but sometimes I get invited to things he organizes and sometimes I don’t. I think he just sometimes forgets about me because I’m not part of a couple, and therefore more difficult to remember.

    Anyway, I also need to make new single friends. It’s hard, but you deserve better! You deserve friends who value the time you spend together and don’t purposely leave you out.

  10. AKchic says:

    [People grow apart as they grow older (note: I didn’t say “grow up”).

    This is one of those times. Who cares if you all grew “up” together? Lived in the same city? Went to the same school? If I used that criteria to base my friendships on, I would not be friends with the majority of the people I associate with now, and I’d be downright miserable because dammit, I HATED the majority of the people I went to school with.

    You HAD connections. You all grew apart. There is no blame there. The blame is when they knew you knew about plans and they purposely left you out. They attempted a fade-out and it ended badly.

    Fade out yourself and see if anyone actually calls you. Bet you won’t see shit unless someone needs a back-up bridesmaid, a butt in a seat at the wedding, or looking for a gift at the baby shower.

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