Hello everyone- I am new to this site and have a question. I think I already know what the right answer is, but I just need some advice before I make my choice.
Here’s my situation:
First, a little background- I’ve known the guy I’m dating for a while but we were just friends- because he was with someone. Well, they broke up and he was very assertive about wanting to hang out with me. He was on the rebound so I didn’t get my hopes up, but we did end up becoming romantically involved. Right before we became more than “just friends” he admitted that he had a bit of a fling with another woman when he was out of town for work.
Cut to 6 months later- things have been going so great with this guy. I don’t have any long term expectations with him, but I really enjoy the time we spend together. To be honest, the sex is great and I think I am really falling for him.
Well, he is about to go out of town on business again for 6 weeks. So I had to bite the bullet and have the “where do we stand” talk. I just need to know that he isn’t sleeping around, because at this point I am pretty invested in him and don’t want to get hurt.
He said that he hasn’t been dating anyone else while we have been together (yay!) but that he wanted us to both be able to date other people (boo!)
Long story somewhat short, he won’t make me any promises that he won’t sleep around when he is out of town.
So, here’s my dilemma:
Do I end things now with a guy who I have really fallen for because he might sleep with someone? Or is that like Minority Report? Am I arresting someone for a crime that they haven’t yet committed?
Or do I stay with him and see what happens? I am afraid that I am giving him permission to sleep around if I let things continue.
Before you all jump to answer, please consider what it feels like to be completely infatuated with someone who you find attractive, intelligent, and funny- someone who makes you feel attractive, intelligent and funny too! Imagine being with someone like that, and then tell me what you would really do.
Thanks!
LemonVibe 
[I think Solstice said it, “if you can handle him possibly sleeping with other people, go for it”.
For one, you don’t know that he will sleep around for sure. But can you deal with this possibility, or is it a deal breaker?
Either way, lay the cards out before he leaves. You don’t want him to be with anyone else, and you don’t plan to, you’re commited. But if he does you might not be able to continue with this relationship. You aren’t breaking up exactly, just being honest about how you feel about the situation.
He might not care or feel as serious as you. He might decide to stay commited. He might go and see what happens. But you aren’t giving him a free pass or an ultimatum. Just saying that there are possible consequences
[Would you be more devastated to end things with him now, or to hear that he slept with someone in a few weeks when he gets back? If you can handle him possibly sleeping with other people, then go for it, as long as he’s still making you happy. But it just sounds like if he doesn’t want to commit to you after 6 months, that he likely never will. People can change sometimes, but 6 months should be enough time to know whether or not you want an exclusive relationship with someone. You might be setting yourself up for some very hurt feelings, but I understand the high of being with someone you’re falling for. So if you want to let that continue for now, just be aware of the situation and try to keep in mind that he doesn’t feel the same way about you.
[Been there! I broke up with a guy under very similar circumstances. Be warned: when you break up with someone who you really like and there is nothing wrong with the relationship at hand- aka, breaking up over deal breakers- well, in my experience, those break ups are VERY hard to get over. Is it worth it? I think so. But is it easier to break up with and get over a guy you hate for breaking your heart? Definately.
[If I was infatuated with someone who said “I might sleep with other people when we’re not together” that would kind of put me off them. It doesn’t say a lot to how much they think of you when you lay your cards down and they say “hey I love us hanging out, but if I’m out of the city, I’m not going to not sleep with other people if I get the chance”.
It sounds like he’s trying to have his cake and eat it too, and no one should do that, because too much cake makes you sick. Really sick.
[I think you’re letting your feelings get in the way of seeing this objectively. Damn feelings, they do that sometimes.
You say that you’re falling for him, and he’s saying I want to be able to sleep with other people. I’m trying as hard as I can to be gentle, here… but this guy is Just Not That Into You. Period. End of story. You like him more than he likes you, and you’re going to get hurt. The only question in my mind is whether you go ahead and rip the band-aid off, or if you let him pound your little heart into the ground later with those boots you use to climb ice… you know, the ones with the ice picks on the toe.
He’s taking advantage of you because he knows how much you like him. I’m really sorry to tell you, but this is more than likely going nowhere. He may seriously have feelings for you, but as long as you let him do what he wants to do, this situation is never going to change.
Let him go. It is going to hurt a LOT less down the road if you don’t let him walk all over you now.
[Yeah, I’d do exactly with HP said. How do you read my mind?
I think after 6 months….it sounds like he’s hedging. He likes you, but not enough to say, “Well, I guess I’ll just quit seeing what’s out there.” I’d be hurt. And I’d probably lay my cards out: I like you, but not enough to invest my time in someone who is not invested in me.
Okay, and I’m just speculating here so people tell me if I’m off base but: If you do that, then ‘break up’ with him, he’ll at least respect you for doing so and that probably leaves the door open down the line (in some indeterminate amount of time.) But if you stay with him, he sleeps around since he didn’t SAY you guys were exclusive, your feelings are hurt…it’s not going to work out. How long was he with his last girlfriend? If you felt like you were a rebound, walk away. He might just need time to process getting over his last relationship.
[My instinctual reaction if I was in this situation—what I would do if I didn’t take a minute to think about it: I most likely would say, “Ok, then I can date other people too,” but probably never would. I would spend the time he was away at home, watching Netflix, wondering what he was doing, who he was seeing, how many more notches he was etching into his bedpost. And then when he came home, I’d throw my arms around him and pretend like nothing ever happened, and a few months later when he realized he wanted to date other people and not me, I’d be devastated for months and carry that baggage around for a long while after that.
Which is why you need to think about this objectively, like Res said. It’s not even a question of do you deserve more or not. Maybe you do, maybe you don’t, I have no idea. But you’ve made your wishes clear, and he doesn’t agree. If you go along with what he wants, make no mistake, you are going to get hurt, and badly. I know it hurts to let him go, but you need to do it. The sooner you do, the sooner you can get over him and find someone who wants what you want.
[Girl, you need to take a step back and think about this. What advice would you give your daughter? Your friend? If they asked you the question you posed. Would you tell them to stay with this guy when it seems that they are walking into a heartache? I doubt you would.
I know there are many sides to your story. I am sure this guy digs you. I do not doubt that there are sparks and the sex is great and you have wonderful conversations. But he doesn’t love you or respect you. And you two are on separate pages. You are falling for him, while he is willing to fall in to bed with someone else. Huh? Should you two stay together, you would only doubt him. Forever.
Respect yourself. It will hurt, but it will be temporary. Walk away with your head up and on your terms. If you stay this could end up very ugly, very sad and heartbreaking. Don’t take a risk on YOUR heart. It doesn’t matter if you think with your head or your heart…as long as you think about leaving this guy!
[a) Yes you are his rebound. b) Yes he is going to , or is already, fucking other girls. c) He told you this.
[Hello everyone. Thanks for all of the feedback. Just wanted you all to know that I found myself in tears the night he left. After all this time playing it cool it turns out I am just devestated with him gone and a self professed free agent. I talked to him the next day and ended things. He wants to remain friends, and we’ll see how that goes when he gets back in two months.
My heart is totally broken, but at least I didn’t knowingly allow him to string me along until he found someone better. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself.
[I have a friend that I’ve dated off and on for over 2 years, and we’re fine with the open relationship. We’re allowed to see other people when we want, but we hook up when we can. If either of us are in a relationship, we don’t cheat on that person with each other. It works for us! I love the guy with all my heart more than anyone else, and I enjoy our times together, no matter who else I’m seeing. He’s a really good friend I can talk to about anything, even if either of us are in a relationship. That’s important. It really can work if you are realistic and honest with each other. I wouldn’t trade our friendship for the world!
[Anon – Thank you for the update and I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had to go through this sort of thing. I do applaud you for being strong enough to end things with him for the time being. It may hurt like blazes right now but you’ll eventually see it needed to be done.
I do still want to make a few comments just to provide a bit of an opposite perspective from a lot of the comments already made above.
First, one thing I’ve learned is that the debate is not always necessarily just between your head and your heart. There can be a 3rd party; your gut (instinct, intuition) and yes I believe it is different than both head and heart. The head and heart “tell” us something. We can “hear” a message and even words from them. Our gut doesn’t really tell us anything…it’s just a feeling.
Where I have often sided with going with your heart, I am now more inclined to say just to following your gut and what feels right to you. Between your head and heart you knew that not only could you not continue in this relationship purgatory but you couldn’t continue with the possibility of him sleeping with someone else.
A lot of people above also said he was taking advantage of you and their comments seemed to imply this was an action done with malicious intent and he was fully aware of it. Whether it was intentional, or not, does not make it right; but I wanted to at least make it known that his lack of commitment to you may not have been anything other than a fear of commitment or something along those lines. It may have had nothing to do with the mentality of him thinking, “I have it made. I get to sleep with this girl, and any other girl may want to, because I know she’ll still be around because she’s that into me.”
Six months is a long time and he should have been able to make a commitment by that if he wanted to, so I’m not completely defending his actions. You made the right choice calling things off despite how you feel.
Please come back again, and in 2 month even update us on any new “developments” between the two of you.