Asking for Affection

Ok, sorry guys for posting again so soon, but I’m trying to work through another communication hurdle, and would appreciate any help! So, as mentioned in the blurb before, I’m in an LDR. I’ve come to realize I have needs (I do!) but I am having troubles actually admitting I have them without feeling selfish.

I realize, in this LDR, I need affection. I don’t know if this is some self-esteem problem.. But, I come from a super affectionate family. Hugs, kisses, “I love you” after hanging up after any phone conversation. My boyfriend? Not so much. I don’t think I’ve seen his family members and him hug at all.. Or say I love you to each other. I’m very sure they love each other, just aren’t as physical with it, which is fine!

In person, I really feel very satisfied, as we can hand hold, kiss, hug, etc. But now with this distance, I feel I’m lacking.

Now, this isn’t a “fix it” question. I realize my boyfriend and I are different in how we express or need affection, and that’s perfectly great. I just don’t know how to ask for a little more…? Within a reasonable range? I don’t want to change him, I just want more…affection that manifests through the distance.

I’m trying to pinpoint what exactly I appreciate that he already does that is affectionate. The I love you’s are fine, but maybe hearing that he actually misses me? Or pet names? Or a good night text if we haven’t talked? I do that sometimes, and would love if he did that too.

I really just don’t know how to approach this, because I don’t want it to seem like I’m criticizing him! I also feel like asking for more affection is asking for too much sometimes, because I know how shy he can be with emotions. I know he loves me, but it’s nice to hear it expressed sometimes, you know? (Or maybe you don’t. Maybe this is just my self-esteem. GAH.) Many thanks for putting up with my neurotic self.

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11 thoughts on “Asking for Affection

  1. karlos says:

    [You don’t need to apologise for posting here, we’re happy to give advice, if you keep asking for it, if anything you’re just complimenting the people who post here. So, thank you.

    As for your question, asking for affection isn’t something you should feel bad about. A relationship is about fufilling each others needs, if you feel like you need affection, you should be able to ask for that.

    Failing that, next time your together just spam the shit out of physical affection to tide you over. Get so sick of affection that need you need to avoid it, then you don’t actually have to put any extra effort in.

    That might be the lazy person inside me speaking though.

  2. Solstice says:

    [If you say “I love you” during a phone convo, does he say he loves you too? Maybe you can just try “setting him up” more to say affectionate things, if he’s not saying it on his own. And I agree that it would be nice to hear that he misses you. Similarly, if you mention that you miss him, does he say it back, or does he just not say anything? Even if he is saying it in return, though, it would be nice if he said it first. But with someone who just naturally isn’t as open with affection, they might get offended if you tell them you wished they would be more affectionate, so you do have to tread carefully. Sorry I don’t have any actual advice!

  3. lilredbmw says:

    [I’m going to be honest, and you might not like it, but here goes…

    Long distance relationships are lacking a key element. Physical affection. If you aren’t with the person often, you must rely on the affection via phone, text, email, smoke signals, etc. You can talk with your bf about being more affectionate when you two aren’t together, and when you are as well. Some people just aren’t affectionate. I am one of those people. But I make an effort now that my hubby brought it up that I don’t show much affection. He probably just isn’t even aware of it.

    So here is where it gets real. It isn’t sounding like you are cut out for a long-distance relationship. I believe that you have the best of intentions for this, but the fact that you do seem very insecure, really doesn’t work well for this kind of relationship. A long distance relationship is so hard, but it is so much harder if you aren’t secure with who you are, who he is, and who you both are as a couple. I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be mean, or hurtful, but I think I think it might be time to re-evaluate your relationship.

  4. Happy Pants says:

    [Echoing what LRB said, it does sound like you’re going to have difficulty with the LDR. That said, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to ask for more from your SO, and I don’t think you’re automatically domed to fail. I do think, though, that it needs to be presented in a logical, somewhat objective way. Instead of “I don’t feel like you give me enough affection,” make it clear that you realize different people need different things, and this is something you need, not something that he’s not doing. No one’s at fault; you just need different things. Again, like LRB said, if you can take an objective look at things and understand exactly what it is that you need, be comfortable and secure with the person you are, I don’t think your SO will have a problem with it.

  5. Maracuya says:

    [Well, agree with LRB and Happy Pants but only because you’re not getting your needs met. You shouldn’t feel selfish asking for more! A relationship is about meeting halfway. If you present it here like you presented it to us (“I come from a very kissy/huggy/affectionate family. I know you don’t and that’s not bad, just *different.* But I’m feeling like I need that represented over our conversations) then that sounds very reasonable and not at all blaming.

    Especially because you seem to be on the road for a potentially long LDR, you should address this. Real talk is 100% okay (and pretty much required or you’re going to build up some resentment.) I tell my boyfriend I need to talk earlier or I’m going to be sleepy for work the next day; he tells me he’d rather not hear about my political facebook arguments, and we’re good.

  6. Heather says:

    [You two are different. You need more affection, and you should bring this up and see if he’s willing to give you more. If so, great. If not, realize he’s different and ask yourself if you’re willing to compromise. You might need to find more friends or do other things to occupy your time and get your mind off him. If you get attention from friends and family, then you won’t rely on it from your boyfriend so much. I don’t mean to cheat on him – just get that emotional connection elsewhere so you’re not so reliant on one person. That’s what I do – whether or not I have a boyfriend.

  7. Shery Henry says:

    [At last my happiness has been restored through Dr Okpodu of dr.okpoduspellhome@gmail.com , my heart is full of joy and testimonies but here is a little I can say out of the whole wondrous things Dr Okpodu has done for me I was in a great and the sweetest relationship with my man HENRY for three years and we were both in love and even planning of getting married November 2013 so when he traveled for on the a business trip to Australia he melt a lady there whom he dated for two months and when he returned back to home he began to behave strange and with not long he said he is tired of this relationship looking for ways to break our love life and he finally push me out and bring in the Australia lady with him .This time I was frustrated and devastated about my love life so I vow not to rest until I am able to get back the only man I have ever loved so I began to look for a solution to restore my love life . One day my friend THYNAYA came to me telling me about this man DR OKPODU saying this man has helped her restore her marriage life, so I said let me also try as I have no other choice in getting back HENRY. At first when I contacted him I thought nothing will work but it was like a dream and surprise when he told me he will help me out by bringing back my HENRY to me. Dr Okpodu of Dr.okpoduspellhome@gmail.com has done this for me and now am happily married so I want you all to join me to say thank you to this man, and if any one here is also passing through a similar problem I will advice you to contact him today and I know your problems will be solve. Contact him at Dr.okpoduspellhome@gmail.com

  8. Shery Henry says:

    [At last my happiness has been restored through Dr Okpodu of dr.okpoduspellhome@gmail.com , my heart is full of joy and testimonies but here is a little I can say out of the whole wondrous things Dr Okpodu has done for me I was in a great and the sweetest relationship with my man HENRY for three years and we were both in love and even planning of getting married November 2013 so when he traveled for on the a business trip to Australia he melt a lady there whom he dated for two months and when he returned back to home he began to behave strange and with not long he said he is tired of this relationship looking for ways to break our love life and he finally push me out and bring in the Australia lady with him .This time I was frustrated and devastated about my love life so I vow not to rest until I am able to get back the only man I have ever loved so I began to look for a solution to restore my love life . One day my friend THYNAYA came to me telling me about this man DR OKPODU saying this man has helped her restore her marriage life, so I said let me also try as I have no other choice in getting back HENRY. At first when I contacted him I thought nothing will work but it was like a dream and surprise when he told me he will help me out by bringing back my HENRY to me. Dr Okpodu of Dr.okpoduspellhome@gmail.com has done this for me and now am happily married so I want you all to join me to say thank you to this man, and if any one here is also passing through a similar problem I will advice you to contact him today and I know your problems will be solve. Contact him at Dr.okpoduspellhome@gmail.com

  9. Shery Henry says:

    [At last my happiness has been restored through Dr Okpodu of dr.okpoduspellhome@gmail.com , my heart is full of joy and testimonies but here is a little I can say out of the whole wondrous things Dr Okpodu has done for me I was in a great and the sweetest relationship with my man HENRY for three years and we were both in love and even planning of getting married November 2013 so when he traveled for on the a business trip to Australia he melt a lady there whom he dated for two months and when he returned back to home he began to behave strange and with not long he said he is tired of this relationship looking for ways to break our love life and he finally push me out and bring in the Australia lady with him .This time I was frustrated and devastated about my love life so I vow not to rest until I am able to get back the only man I have ever loved so I began to look
    for a solution to restore my love life . One day my friend THYNAYA came to me
    telling me about this man DR OKPODU saying this man has helped her restore her
    marriage life, so I said let me also try as I have no other choice in getting
    back HENRY. At first when I contacted him I thought nothing will work but it
    was like a dream and surprise when he told me he will help me out by bringing
    back my HENRY to me. Dr Okpodu of Dr.okpoduspellhome@gmail.com has done this for me and now am happily married so I want you all to join me to say thank youto this man, and if any one here is also passing through a similar problem I
    will advice you to contact him today and I know your problems will be solve.
    Contact him at Dr.okpoduspellhome@gmail.com

  10. clara Arnold says:

    [ MY TESTIMONIES!

    GOODDAY TO EVERY ONE OUT THERE,
    I AM CLARIA ARNOLD FROM UNITED STATE OF AMERICA[USA]AND AM SURVIVE BY THREE CHILDREN. I AM BEING THE HAPPIEST PERSON IN THE WHOLE WORLD TODAY AND I ALSO WANT TO USE THIS OPPORTIUNITY TO LET THE WORLD KNOW ABOUT THE GREAT SPELL CASTER WHO RESTORED MY MY LIFE AND SOUL BACK TO ME. i
    I WAS HAPPILY MARRIED TO JOVAINE WILLIAM IN THE YEAR 2009 AND WE WHERE BOTH LIVING HAPPILY UNTIL WE BOTH HAD AN MISSUNDERSTANDING WITH EACH OTHER WHICH LEADED HIM TO DIVORCE ME , AND AFTER JOVAINE LEFT HOME ON 6th OF MARCH 2015, SINCE THAT DAY I AM AND MY CHILDREN WHERE LIVING ALONE IN OUR HOUSE FOR THE PAST THREE MONTHS. UNTIL I CAME TO MEANT THIS GOOD AND CARING FRIEND OF MINE WHO TOLD ABOUT THE MYSTIC AND GREAT POWER OF A SPELL CASTER WHO WAS KNOW AS ”THE GREAT LORD JARAKATI” AND AFTER I WAS TOLD ABOUT THIS GREAT SPELL CASTER I NEVER HAD ANY INTEREST OF CONTACTING HIS EMAIL ADDRESS WHICH THAT FRIEND OF MINE GAVE TO ME, UNTILL I CONCLUDED MY MIND ONE DAY and I WENT INTO THE INTERNET AND I SEND A MESSAGE TO THE EMAIL ADDRESS WHICH WAS: LORDJARAKATI SPELL TEMPLE@GMAIL.COM AND AFTER THIS I DID, I WAS FIRST TOLD BY THE GREAT LORD JARAKATI TO HOLD MY SELF STILL
    THAT ALL MY PAINS AND WORRIES WILL BE GONE AS FACT THAT I HAVE CONTACTED HIS EMAIL ADDRESS AND I NEVER FULLY BELIEVE THAT MY EX LOVER JOVAINE WILL EVER COME BACK UNTIL I WAS TOLD BY THE GREAT LORDJARAKATI TO MAKE THE PAYMENT FOR THE SPELL ITEMS WHICH I DID. AND I WAS PROMISED BY THE GREAT LORD JARAKATI THAT AFTER TODAY WHICH I MADE THE PAYMENT FOR THE SPELL ITEMS THAT THE OTHER DAY MY EX HUSBAND WILL COME BACK HOME AND BEG ME FOR FORGIVENESS WHICH I NEVER STILL FULLY BELIEVE HIM UNTIL THE OTHER DAY CAME UP AND I WAS ON MY BED ROOM WITH MY CHILDREN WHEN I HEARD A RING AT MY DOOR HOPING IT WAS JUST A FRIEND OF MINE BUT NOT KNOWING IT WAS MY EX LOVER JOVAINE . I WENT TO THE DOOR TO TAKE A LOOK WHO THE PERSON WAS UNEXPECTEDLY THE PERSON I WAS SEEING WAS JOVAINE ON A SAD AND REGRETABLE MOOD WITH TEARS ON HIS FACE . AND AFTER ALL THIS I SAY JOVAINE CALLED MY NAME AND KNELL IN THE FRONT OF ME DEEPLY BEGGING FOR FORGIVENESS WHICH I TOLD HIM I HAD FORGIVIVING HIM, AND WE BOTH HOLD EACH OTHER HANDS AND HE KISS MY FORE HEAD AND MY LIP AND I ACCEPTED HIM BACK WITH THE WHOLE OF MY HEART. WE ARE NOW FULLY LIVING HAPPILY. ONCE AGAIN THANKS TO YOU LORD JARAKATI FOR I WILL EVER BE HONEST WITH YOU.THIS IS HIS EMAIL ADDRESS: LORDJARAKATISPELLTEMPLE@GMAIL.COM

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