I am of the belief that people in a serious, long-term, committed relationship shouldn’t keep secrets from each other. I’m not talking about stupid gossip, or sharing everything you ever did before you met each other, that’s just dumb. But freaking out every time someone puts away the other’s laundry because that means they’re going through your drawers. Or needing to hang over your SO’s shoulder while they’re using your phone, even if you say you have nothing to hide.
I’m just curious where people draw the privacy boundary. And if your SO has strict boundaries, does that make you nervous? Does it make you want to break them down?
I guess the root of this question is how much do normal people trust their SO? Is it normal to have a little apprehension?
LemonVibe 
[First, define “normal people”…. 😉
[To tell the truth, I have never once felt the urge to check my husband’s email, texts, mail, etc. It’s his business. If he wants to share it, then he can tell me about it. And vice versa. He has never gone through my stuff, and I don’t think he would really care to. I think when you have a good relationship, you respect each other’s privacy. On the other hand, when you are in a great relationship, you generally share everything that’s private anyway. We have never set boundaries. If I really cared to read his stuff, I am sure he would say, “Go for it.” And then I would probably die of boredom reading basic conversations with friends and family. Your SO deserves the right to communicate with others with out feeling that they will be checked on. And you deserve the right to have the same.
I don’t think it is normal to be apprehensive about your SO. If you are apprehensive about your SO, then I think I would start to question why. Has something happened in the past to make you question them? Have you done something in the past that warrants you wanting to keep things private?
I believe in a good relationship, you are entitled to privacy, but I think most of the time you won’t really need it.
[I feel that you should trust your partner with just about everything. There are some things I’d still want him to not have access to, like my email or Facebook account, and I wouldn’t expect access to his. But otherwise, I feel you should be an open book. Openness and honesty are key to a good relationship. Granted, I’ve only had one serious post-college relationship, but I never felt like I couldn’t trust him, or wanted to snoop around in his things, and as far as I knew he felt the same way about me.
[My SO (and my 2nd ex-husband) have the password to my Amazon and Thinkgeek accounts. Why? For the kids. Plain and simple.
My email accounts? Mine. Nobody has the passwords to those suckers. My Skype account? I have it posted up on the damned bulletin board next to the family computer. Why? Again, the kids. If I’m not home, my SO can log in so the kids can talk to my 2nd ex-husband (their dad) and there’s no missed Skype call (or sad feelings).
Does my SO get into my drawers? My dresser drawers, yes. My unders? Well… to get me out of them, not to wear them.
Does he care who I’m talking to on the phone? Not particularly. Unless it sounds like something fun, or unless he’s being volunteered for something (he never is). Do I care who he’s on the phone with? Nope. He talks to his mom, his dad, his brother, his boss, or rarely a friend. Usually he keeps his friend interactions online because most of them are still in the military.
If there isn’t trust, what the hell is the point of being in the relationship? It’s a cornerstone of the relationship.
Occasionally, I’ll get irritated about his penchant for having to take a crap when I’m in the shower. We do have TWO bathrooms. And with four kids, it’s not like I get much time to myself anyways. And, to be perfectly honest – the boy could gag a donkey with his stench.
[I think you should be comfortable enough to share everything, but I don’t think think that means that the other person is entitled to their partner’s privacy.
If my SO had strict rules on what I could and couldn’t do, that might be a little weird. If they accused me of snooping because I was putting away their laundry, I think I would be hurt and kind of suspicious. But at the same time, why do they assume that I was snooping? Was it because I had ulterior motives while putting away their underthings? Because they have trust issues from previous relationships? Because they’re hiding something?
At the same time, I’m a fairly private person. I’ve given a previous boyfriend my password to pretty much everything. Not so that he could go through my email when he was bored and check up on me, but because it was pertinent at the time and I knew that he wouldn’t go through my things with ill intentions.
Basically, I think it’s a little give and take. I like to think that my SO doesn’t feel the need to hide things from me or be antsy if I’m tip toeing the line of their privacy, but at the same time I respect that just because we’re in a relationship doesn’t mean that I’m entitled to be a bystander and keep a watchful eye on every little thing in their lives.
And I think it should also be taken into consideration that it may not be *their* privacy they’re trying to protect. I would feel kind of violated if I knew my friend’s boyfriend was reading every text of mine over her shoulder.
[My motto is “don’t give me a reason to mistrust you, and I won’t mistrust you.” Strict boundaries are a red flag for me, unless it’s a control issue (like using his computer, messing up settings on something, etc.). But hiding things or strictly forbidding me from seeing something is a major red flag. If you don’t have anything to hide, why are you hiding it?
[If someone does not respect boundaries and tries to insinuate herself into (and wants to have a say in) every facet of my life… this is a serious red flag to me. Boundaries and space are VERY important in a mature adult relationship. You have to have your own lives separate from each other, this is healthy and in the end, strengthens the relationship. I do not accept, “You have nothing to worry about if you have nothing to hide” … so now I have to get strip searched getting into planes AND relationships?
One of my favorite quotes on love and marriage is this one from Khalil Gibran:
” But let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.”
[Every relationship needs boundaries. I prefer to have my own space. No one needs to know everything about me, and vice-versa. I don’t want to know everything about people. If I know, I’ll obsess about it. So just give the dude some space and enjoy yours, too.
[I think there are certain topics that are painful and hard to talk to anyone about, SO or not. You will know the time for these things to be brought up, and it will feel right. If that means that maybe the time is never right, it doesn`t mean that you don`t trust the individual, just means that YOU are not ready to share something that is important to you and that defines you, and that’s OK. If that is something you never tell your SO, well then yes, I would say perhaps you should think about your relationship with your SO and if this person is the one for you. There are things that I haven’t told SOs because of the fact that I don’t want to be looked upon differently, and that’s a personal issue. Isn’t to say that they wouldn’t have been open and understanding to everything I was saying, I just didn’t think it was right. As far as passwords and emails and what not, I think there is a line that needs to be drawn and you need to be able to have your lives separately and together as well. In the end, whatever makes you feel comfortable…